This is my first time playing with the beta version of Storify, a platform that lets you search various social media streams like Facebook, Twitter, Google, Flickr, YouTube, etc to find snippets of info to build your own stories.
Gotta say, I'm already kind of in love with the creative potential here.
It all started with the story of the cancellation of Philippine game show "Willing Willie" for coercing a crying child to slow grind to Snoop Dogg (while still crying) in front of a cheering audience. To wit:
Now I am no crying dancing child apologist, but there is a certain hilarity to the ridiculous juxtapositional layers of crying + dancing + child + overtly sexual hip grinding. It has the taste level of 7 layer refried bean dip: so wrong and yet so so enjoyable.
Out of curiosity I conducted a cursory YouTube search to see if crying while dancing was a THING (could it possibly be the new crying while eating??). To my surprise, not only is crying while dancing an emerging thing, but apparently crying while dancing while also being an asian child is a thing. In fact, I was hard pressed to find any video of any child who was crying their heart out while also dancing their heart out that didn't also happen to be asian.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C (crying starts around 1:40):
Exhibit D (Christmasy!)
I have no clue what this is all about, nor do I have any clue when child dancrying will catch on in the States. (Though with the popularity of shows like Toddlers in Tiaras it shouldn't take too much longer!) All I do know is that in the case of "Willing Willie," there were certain indicators that they should have pulled the plug A LOT sooner that forcing a weeping kid to gyrate to Snoop:
"This isn't the show's first brush with infamy: in 2006, 74 people were killed in a stampede at a taping of "Willing Willie." But it's this little boy who may spell its end." (Jezebel)
Yikes! Let's hope game show stampeding doesn't catch on like crying dancing asian child syndrome!
It's going to be a limp Christmas at my house this season. :(
------------- Begin message -------------
Hi Bailey,
This is Lisa Stone from Prima Products and I am emailing you, unfortunately, to tell you that we will have to cancel your order for the STIFF PACKAGE. There have been a lot of issues with listing errors with Amazon, and we actually do not have this product. I am terribly sorry for this frustrating inconvenience. I have already refunded you for the charges on your credit card.
I'd like to do everything I can to make this up to you and would like to offer you 10% off any other item we carry.
Thank you for your patience and understanding with this annoying inconvenience. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to keep you as a satisfied customer.
This premise makes a lot more sense to me than the original Fight Club. OK, Producer People let's get this movie made!*
*If I could have one superhero super power, it would be that when I said that phrase, a movie would actually get made. Knowing my taste level and penchant for glorying in terrible ideas, that power would pretty much turn me into a super villain immediately.
Oh that's right... DivMo is back! And for what better reason than to demand gifts from all the loyal readers spammers who have been blowing up the comment sections of this blog for the past few months. I never learned so much about "Risible in love snow chainmail gloves" and "последние новинки" and "sexy alud coupon cards." Wow guys! So much valuable info!
It's not even Thanksgiving yet, which means it's time to start saving up to buy me presents! I'm sure all of your successful spamming efforts have you sitting on a neat little pile of Nigerian prince-funded cash that you'd be happy to blow on your favorite blogger.
So first up on my wish list, forget the creepy "Love's Embrace" holiday necklace campaign; I don't want my jewelry to say "You will always be surrounded by the strength of my love." I want it to say "Though we're both hermaphrodites, I've still evolved into wanting spermatic exchange with you."
Best YouTube genre to date--better than 9 year-old karaoke wannabes and zit popping--is hands down "Literal" music videos where the song's lyrics are swapped out for a narration of what's literally occurring in the music video.
Since 99.9% of all music video happenings are certifiably insane, the results are hilarious. To prove my hypothesis, I've spent countless hours of scientific research--YouTubery, if you will--to bring you some of the internet's greatest examples of the genre. To wit:
Bonnie Tyler 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' (Literal Version)
Meatloaf 'Anything for Love' (Literal Version)
Journey 'Separate Ways' (Literal Version)
Tears for Fears 'Head Over Heels' (Literal Version)
...Nor for people who want to be protected from children making creepy YouTube music videos of popular hit songs...
To wit, little 9 year-old Lauren T's take on Lady Gaga's 'Pokerface':
OK, confession time. I started out terrified of 9 year-old Lauren T, but the more YouTube videos I watch of her, the more obsessed I get. It's like that YouTube zit popping fetish video genre...
In this one 9 year-old Lauren T sings in front of doggy pictures!
And the "advice" comments she gets are priceless (emphasis mine):
you have the same [i don't wanna say problem, but...] problem as a lot of aspiring singers that i know. they put too much of their talent in the song and strain their voice. i'm sure if you got lessons you'd be really great. your voice is a little shaky and pitchy, so be sure to work on that as well. also, some of the notes are off. you'd be real good if your voice was...polished...xD -ScribblexCookie :]
slow down and relax! and while you're at it, smoothen your voice. And you were wrong at some lyrics. But if you take my advice you MIGHT just be top 20 of American Idol. You have a good voice just... get music lessons. :) -EeeFae
OMG, then there's her "Debut Original Single Release: Why Can't You Come Back (To Me)." God, I love it when songs end (with parenthetical asides (for no real reason)). This one is just a still shot of little 9 year-old Lauren T but the melisma is beautiful enough to peel dry paint off the wall (read: her notes are wobblier than a kid on the first day without the training wheels).
This comment really sold this song to me:
im sorry i hate it!!!!!!especiallt 3:54 to the end.you kept like screaming! -darlenehernandez123
I don't care what the commenters say, little 9 year-old Lauren T, scream your lungs out all you want! The internet has plenty of room for you and all your dangerously misguided, one day mortifying music videos.
Bailey Triggs is the premiere Awfsome-ologist of her generation. She spends her free time culling the internets for the most frightening, discomforting, and hilarious things she can find. Her (unhealthy) obsessions include fanfiction, emo kids, and reality tv dating shows.
DivMo: Bloggy style since 2007.
FEED ME!
Meet Prince Sparkly FishHorse:
Hi, my name is FiHo! I'm so happy DivMo adopted me and rescued me from that Angelfire site! I love to blink and wiggle my tail! And watch trashy reality TV!
I love comments, fan mail, and handmade declarations of undying devotion to diverted motion. (Also enjoy rhyming and horrific puns. You have been forewarned.)
