They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab... And I Said "Yeah, That Sounds Like A Good Idea"

Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse... Shia LeMotherfuckingBeef (!)

All the cool kids are doing it--or at least, desperately needing it. And it's making me want to get in on this rehab action. To get that "sobering experience" LiLo talked so fondly of. (Ed: Can't you see my cry for help from within my fragments and dangling participles? If that does say "rock bottom," well then maybe I'm just a little more well-adjusted than I'd like to admit.)

I may not be famous or rich or actually perpetually wastyface enough to warrant rehab, but a girl can dream. And any dreaming girl with a good imagination and a digital camera with a swivel display that allows for easy self portraits can find herself in possession of her very own glamorous celebrity mugshot:

(Something in the eyes looks familiar, but I just can't place it...)

From the official police report of the events leading up to this fateful mugshot:

"Ms. Triggs narrowly escaped police custody after instigating a brawl at The Waffle House by egging on a debate between Kid Rock and a local man as to which was the more awesomer alien: ET or Alf. While Ms. Triggs and Rock sided with Alf, the local man disagreed, at which point Ms. Triggs encouraged Rock to "kungfu chop his ass" before fleeing the scene. Later that day she was spotted in a fancy restaurant passing a forged note to Fabio that read: "Dear Fabio, You are fat. Love, George Clooney." Again, Ms. Triggs managed to escape the scene before being placed into custody. Ms. Triggs was spotted for a third time much later that night making balloon animals with Shia LeBeouf in the back of a Walgreens. When the night manager asked them to leave, Ms. Triggs fashioned a balloon sword for LeBeouf and told him to "go get 'em, Champ!" before exiting the scene. Ms. Triggs was finally apprehended in the early hours of the morning when authorities found her napping inside the Statue of Liberty's torch. She has since been self-sentenced to 30 days sans-boozing. Prominent legal experts say that, although it is unorthodox for a defendant to also have the judicial power to sentence herself, it is like totally legally binding because she's like, just making this all up anyways."

30 days. Starting... er, yesterday. So from now until December 7th all poor choices in grammar, diction, general bizarro subject matter or dearth of posting cannot be blamed on the boozing. (Though I'm sure I'll come up with another suitable excuse soon enough.)

Here's to a happier liver and some extra cash to fund my alien trucker hat addition!