The New Pam: Now 30% More Unpredictable! (And Other Reasons I'm Geeking Out About The New Season Of The Office)

This promo for the new season of The Office has got me twirling my hair with school-girl-level abandon at the thought of my favorite show returning to the airwaves.



A 30% more unpredictable Pam!

Ryan rocking the George Michael look!!

The first four episodes are one hour long!!!!!!!

I don't think I've ever been more excited to hear Dwight declare: "Summer's over. Time to get back to work."

Peaches: The Real Doll For The (Socially Awkward) Man On A Budget

You didn't really think I'd let a full week go by without updating you on the latest "conquest" of Mystery and his pitiable poseur pick-up posse (p-p-p-punny!), did you?!? Well I'm here to dash/fulfill your dreams of fumbling dorks delivering canned lines to drunk chick in bars.

First, it was little girls; and now the P.P.P.P. (PeePeeps for short?) are putting the move on... peaches! That's right: peaches. Because all good sports metaphorists know you can't get to first base without sucking face with a ripe juicy peach first.

Oh, did I confuse a metaphor with a euphemism? Too bad we didn't spend an entire week defining "metaphor" in my college Introduction to Literary Studies class--oh wait, we did spend an entire week talking about it! And what a useful use of time that was! (Not that I'm still bitter; no, not me--never!)

Who has time to be bitter when there's sweet, juicy man-on-fruit love to be watched?

(For those not interested in recaps, skip ahead to around 2:11 when Mystery shows up rocking the rare goggles on a top hat look: for when you need to prove to women, you're not only regular mad hatter crazy, you're mad-hatter-skiing-down-a-mountain crazy. The peach make out session begins around the 4 minute mark for those eager to... ah... get to the point.)

UPDATE: What do you mean the illegally posted YouTube video of the show got taken down? How could that be? Here's a shorter version of the clip from VH1's website, now with commercial-packed goodness:

Today's Lesson: How To Make A Fake Fake-ID

Step One: Go see Superbad right away--or, if you're pressed for time skip to Step Three.

Step Two: Laugh really hard, decide Michael Cera is a comic genius and credit Christopher Mintz-Plasse for nearly stealing the whole movie out from under the hilarious cast.

Step Three: Watch the McLovin scene and relive the superbadtasticity that is McLovin:


Step Four: Really really want a McLovin Hawaiian ID of your own.

Step Five: Click on this link --> Make Your Own Superbad McLovin ID

Step Six: Remember why Diverted Motion is your favorite blog ever.

Step Seven: Ta Fucking Da!

I might already be legal to buy alcohol but with this ID making me a year older than I actually am, I'm now eligible for cheaper rental car rates!

And now--as a bonus for being such good pupils--I give you the Superbad junket "meltdown":

You Morning Dose of Web Junk: It's Fun to Stay at the NMKY!

Not quite as spectacular as other more locally-produced versions I've seen, but you got to hand it to the Finnish for their bouncy enthusiasm.

Not to make you all jealous, but I'm going out on a date tonight with all four of the back up dancers and I have the keyboardist penciled in for Friday night.

How To Tell If You Spend Too Much Time On Your Computer...

How can you tell if you've spent too much time on your computer? You say "delete" when you throw some papers in the trash.

Also might be a sign I need some coffee. Thank God I live in Boston.

Mystery Man-Meat: Mmm Mmm Ew

After the tragic demise of one of my favorite emasculated lady-phobes Spoon (seriously, how adorable is he? like, soooo adorable!) on last week's The Pickup Artist, I'm a little terrified of what Mystery's "methods" are going to turn these sweet, clueless guys into this week.

With Mystery and his posse J-Dog and Matador spouting guru-wisdom gem-lettes like: "If you can be interesting, than a woman can be interested in you"; "You can speak about absolute nothing, but as long as you speak with passion, women will be attracted to you"; "You throw a piece of yarn out and the cat will play with it, but if the yarn doesn't move the cat gets bored and moves away"; and "The idea is to not creep them out"--this coming from the guy wearing the wooden goggles on his fuzzy headband; what is he going to a tanning bed in the middle of Siberia or something?!?--it's hard for me not to think these young men are seriously fucked (in a very unfuckable way).

The challenge of the day was to force a group of young girls to sit through 7 retellings of "Goldilocks and the 3 Bears" by each of the guys. My personal favorite version was told by "Kosmo" who turned it into this rambling horror story about Goldilocks being punished for watching too much Spongebob by hitting her head and falling into a dream before the bear shaved her head bald... Um, what?

My personal favorite is--and will always be, even with that nasty goldilock he was peacock-pressured into--Joe D. (My love for him grows even greater after discovering that the most "attractive" picture I could find of him features this very fetching come-hither wink.) Swoon.

Most entertaining reminder that Mystery is a dork-in-pseudo-pimp's clothing: his dramatic teaching of the TOP SECRET, NEVER BEFORE REVEALED "GAMBIT": The Spell of Attraction. The fact that "gambit" is both a word found in chess-lingo and the name of an X-Men character, isn't really helping Mystery's cool points here. But then there's also the hat, and the name, and the fact that oh, right his "top secret gambit" for getting women is actually a "magic" trick I found on goodtricks.net called "Magnetic Fingers Trick." (I personally get way more turned on by the phonebook ripping trick, but maybe that's just me.)

Sadly, our 45 year-old virgin will not get a chance to practice any more gambits with Mystery and company. Though he did not receive his yellow medallion "Legoose" which stands for cleansing action (like a colonic?), he does win my award for quote of the night: "Just getting out with your soul intact is good enough, I think."

Wiser words have never been said, my friend. Now go out and use your 15 minutes of fame to get yourself properly laid!

My Favorite Typo

Given my punctilious leanings when it comes to written communication, I am quite aware of the typographical errors I make in my day-to-day GChat endeavors. One of my most resilient typos--despite my vigilant approach toward accuracy--is the dropping of the final "e" in the word "time."

Its persistent incorrectness has led me to believe this error is a deliberate choice my subconscious made to always remind me of one of my favorite sketches from The Office (God, I can't wait for Season 4 to start!):

Before You Get Too Charmed By Wayne Brady's Televised Karaoke...

I got sucked into watching the full hour of Fox's latest slimy attempt to beat NBC's own karaoke-based game show, The Singing Bee, to the proverbial ratings-punch with its yeah-this-took-a-team-of-executives-to-come-up-with title: Don't Forget the Lyrics.

It's Joey Fatone on team NBC versus Wayne Brady on team Fox. And before you get all anti-boyband-hasbeen in favor of the uber-charming Brady, I'd like to refresh your memory on Wayne "Do I Have To Choke A Bitch?" Brady's violent past:




That's right middle-aged suburban moms: he's not as wholesome as you may think!

[For the sake of full disclosure, I must admit I did agree to risk my life and appear next to Brady on said show if one of my favorite musical performers made it through the next casting call. But that's just because I'm an amazing person. And generous. And humble. Did I mention humble yet?]

Ladies, Gird Your Loins... Mystery and Man Band Are Coming For You

WARNING: If you are unclear as to the proper procedure for loin-girding, you might just get pregnant. VH1 packed Monday night with not one, but two panty-melting tv show premieres: The Pick-up Artist and Mission: Man Band, and after all that goodness--just to completely blow my mind--they threw in an episode of Rock Life (starring Cisco Adler's balls, which are apparently making an "indie" record).

The Pick-up Artist has won the distinctive title of being DivMo's "Most Insanely Anticipated Show of the Summer Since I Saw The Promo Two Days Ago." Starring Erik Von Markovik...err..."Mystery," the legendary pick-up artist and founder of The Venusian Arts, which I can only assume are related in someway to The Velvet Elvis Arts--at least in style and classiness. (That piercing gaze! That guyliner! That fuzzy fuzzy hat! If I keep licking my monitor, I'm going to ruin my screen!)

Mystery has made it his mission to turn eight socially awkward, female-phobic guys into studs--or at least (according to the footage reel at the end of the 1st episode), eight socially awkward, female-forward guys with frosted tips and tight jeans.

Choicest moment of the "Mystery" experience: when the Future Womanizers of America board the "Destination: Manhood" bus. Because honestly, "It's not about picking up women; it's about building a life." Because we all know real men with real lives go by fun code-names like Mystery and Matador and J. Dog.


Taking the pseudo-masculinity to the next level are the members of Mission: Man Band--the dudes from 98 Degrees, Color Me Badd (!), N*Sync, and LFO (of "Abercrombie and Fitch/Chinese food makes me sick" fame). With talent like that, I was shocked to see their careers had fizzled (and that half of them are recovering alcoholics to boot!).

Going into their first meeting with a person from a record company, they decide refuse to sing for her. Because that makes a lot of sense when you're trying to get back your careers. In music. Where people pay you. To sing.

Not even 20 minutes into the show and there's already a reference to a woman "smuggling midgets." What gentlemen! And then 5 minutes later they have a Native American ritual about new beginnings. With the Native Americans on their side, how could they not conquer sobriety and the charts!!

I don't think I've ever been this in tune with the butterfly-wing fragility of the male ego. And I'm loving it. Weep away boys, weep away.

I Don't Care What My Fundamentalist 1st Grade Teacher Told Me...

In my book, all dogs go to heaven.

R. Kelly and His Beretta Get Back in the Closet

DivMo-ians, this is the moment you've I've been waiting for! R. Kelly's released a sneak peek at Chapters 13-22 of his glorious hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet!!!


Old people! A diner! A club scene! R. Kelly waving a gun! A midget in a cowboy hat and a red boa! R. Kelly waving a gun again! A helicopter chasing a car! Guns pointing at R. Kelly! Pimps in church! Kelly meeting with a mysterious smoking woman! Oh, shit!

I can only imagine the brilliant "rhyming" that will come out of this one. Here's a little sample I whipped up based on the 30-second montage alone:

The old man walked into the diner and order the blue plate special

When the young waitress came by and said, "Morning, Sir, how can I help ya?"

After he finished his eggs, he went to the club

Where he found R. Kelly looking for love

But homie don't give loving to older guys

R. Kelly said, "Man you better recognize...

I'm not here to be gay

So you better just get away!"

And then R. Kelly pulled out his gun

And said, "Motherfucker, you better run!"

But then from behind his back, R. Kelly heard a sound

So he said, "What's that sound? I'm turning around!"

And who did he see before him but a tiny cowboy midget

The same one who knocked up the cop's wife named Bridget!

Oh! Oooooh! No!

So he pulled his beretta

And said,"Man, I didn't forget you!"

Then the midget dropped down on the floor

And cried, "R. Kelly, please!

I've got bad asthma and you're making me wheeze!"

Then a shot rang out with a deafening pop!

And someone shouted out, "Look out it's the cops!"

As the midget fell to the floor, Kelly yelled, "Oh no! I shot ya!"

And the next thing he knew, he was on run from a 'copter!"

So he ran to church for sanctuary--but he ain't no wimp!

Even the Holiest of Holy knows R. Kelly's a pimp!

UPDATE: If you appetite for teasers has not been satisfied, the folks over at Best Week Ever got their hands on an advance copy of Chapters 13-22.

Oh, and for those of you interested in legal matters, apparently Kelly's finally facing trial for that whole child pornography thing.