Out of the Mouths of Babes: How Kid Nation Will Influence My Politics in '08

I watched my first episode (the 2nd of the season) of the ethically questionable Kid Nation tonight and I've got me a new underage crush: Tonight's 14-year-old gold-star winner Michael. (This is why I shouldn't be allowed to watch shows with child stars.)

And after reading his answers to the questions on his Kid Nation bio page, I think he might just be the most qualified person to be the next president of our country:

What have you learned about power?

After 40 days without electricity, I realize I like electrical power... But on a more serious note, I learned that different people react in different ways to power. It's not always predictable who will react in what way. Age doesn't seem to matter as much as personality. It was interesting to see not only how people reacted when they had power but also how they reacted to others when others had power.

When you become an adult, what do you think will be the biggest problem facing our nation and/or world?

Environmental damage and our country's poor relations with other countries.

Do you believe global warming is a fact or a myth? If you think it is a fact, what would you do about it if you were in charge?

I believe global warming is a fact. I would more strongly support research and actions to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and have the US become a signatory nation of the Kyoto Protocol.

Just watch as Michael gives a rousing speech and saves the day when anarchy and bullying threaten to take over (at the 1:50 minute mark)!!



And when bully Greg tries to redeem himself by doing tons of manual labor in the 2nd episode, Michael's soapbox skills and charisma win him the gold star in the end. If that's not a lesson on the way power works in America, I don't know what is.

Politicians of the world: take note!

And now, for your special bonus footage for the evening, I give you a tribute video to Lord of the Flies "In Memory of Simon" scored by Asia's "In the Heat of the Moment." Trust me, you want to see this.

Lessons Learned: The Pick Up Artist Finale, Yo

I was going to post on Monday's season finale of The Pick Up Artist in a more timely manner, but there was actual work to be done at work and several bottles of wine to greet me when I got home last night...

That and the finale was completely and utterly boring.

They narrowed it down to the two most (pre-existingly) attractive guys--because God knows the makeovers did nothing to improve them!--and pit them head-to-head for a final challenge. Except it wasn't their heads on the line. In a caring, Guidos Give Back sort of gesture, the boys' final mission was to help 2 lost souls (ahem, plants) find their own inner mojo, using the now-classic lines:

"You guys use the exact same facial expressions."

"Don't be rude introduce me to your friends."

And my personal favorite: "Hey! Did you guys see the fight outside? Two girls fighting over a guy named George! Who fights over a guy named George??"

For a regular dude in the wake of this show, using these lines is like Russian romantic roulette. If she's seen the show, she'll know it's a line. If she knows it's a line, you might get shot down. Before using, a man must ask himself: Am I in Boston? Is this a dive bar? Did the girl I'm talking to say her name was Bailey--not Hailey, Bailey like the drink!--? If so, proceed.

Bonus points for trying "The Spell of Attraction" gambit. Trust me, major bonus points.

But I digress...

After about 10 minutes of the "Final two, bro!" showing their deep appreciation for the momentousness of the whole Mystery Experience with quotables like:

"It's like they totally took you out of your life and removed every aspect that was like in your life." --Brady

And the obligatory "fightin' words":

"Ima get fiesty. And I'm gonna win."--Kosmo

"It's not like I want to win it. I must win it. It's something I must do."--Brady

The boys finally get down to the business of teaching two AFCs (Average Frustrated Chumps) the art of pick up, which--it's hard not to notice--these guys pick up remarkably quickly. Both AFCs are able to "open sets," isolate girls they're interested in, even get digits. Basically everything we've watched our lovable losers try to master over the course of several weeks, these guys accomplish in one night.

And what is that exactly? What have these guys accomplished? They can now start conversations with canned lines. Feign disinterest. Master "(pea)Cocking," which is "How a woman knows you are a healthy mate." Yes, your frosted blond tips speak worlds of your virility and future earning/providing potential! Maybe that was true back in the 90s when boy bands were still selling...

In the end, the most attractive, naturally charming guy won. (Also, interestingly enough, the only one to give himself a pick up name: Kosmo.) Proving, well, that good looking guys who have some charm can pick up women if they just put aside their (completely unreasonable and unfounded) low self-esteem and just go for it. That and nicknames just might be the key to Mystery's heart.

And what have I learned? Boys are idiots. If you want to pick one up, walk up to him and say "Hey, I like your shirt." Don't let them waste your time with silly fight stories and gambits. It's time we took over the scene for real, yo.

Oh, and you can call me Ella, Ella Vader.

Because I'm always down.

Hoax Device Discovered in Miley Cyrus' Womb!

Apparently the "evidence" that Miley Cyrus is pregnant, was "doctored."

Who would have thunk it?

Perhaps the confusion stemmed from a journalist mistaking the identities of the two people in the following photo. Because there's definitely some pregnancy going on here...

Thank God it's not the 14 year old girl for a change.

Whaaaaaaa? Billy Ray Cyrus's Achy Breaky Heart: Hannah Montana + Pregnant = WTF?!?

I'm not usually one to dabble in celeb-gossip, but this story is too insane to pass up.

Word on the 'nets is that 14 year-old Miley Cyrus, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus and star of the ubiquitous Hannah Montana--so I watch it at the gym, sue me--is pregnant.

Like, with a fetus. At 14.

And you know who is responsible for this pregnancy? Television. Miley went on 20/20 with her father and gave an interview about what a good head she has on her shoulders and how that is the secret to never becoming a trainwreck like Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.

The "I'm well-balanced despite Hollywood's pressures" interview is the kiss of death for young starlets. Just ask Vanessa Hudgens. I'm sure Miley's never even kissed a boy in her life. But the second you go on tv and say "I am not a trainwreck" Blammo! Baby city!

Because It's Friday and I'm Feeling Feisty: Hot or Not, Presidents' Edition

Inspired by my last post on Abe's new $5 bill unveiling, a very critical question has emerged:

Which dead president would you prefer have a steamy roll with--on a pile of his own $$ no less!?!

Loyal reader and gchat-enabler Meredith, threw her 2 flaming Lincolns (er, cents) into the ring:

Meredith: ok, that is an AWESOME $5 bill. also, i think you need to check out a $10 bill, and tell me if you agree with my old roomate alex. she has the hots for hamilton. he's very patrician looking, and is kind of a fox.


Meredith: i, however, prefer andrew jackson's money-portait, cause he looks like he'd be wild in the sack
me: ohhh mr $10 is pretty hot. it's just the wild hair making you think that about jackson. i'm more of a grant girl myself. he looks like he could play rough.

Meredith: that's only because he has alex blagg's facial hair

me: hahaha [Ed: there's nothing wrong with a little blogger-on-blogger crush]

Meredith: and jackson was a wild child. he trashed parts of the white house - like, whole wings of it - with parties. they were so bad, they weren't redone until jackie kennedy

me: ohh hot

Meredith: the only southern president for ages, the only catholic president...
i mean, you know the lapsed catholics can party. jackson was hot, man.

me: he looks like someone's dad to me. but i do dig the wild hair. i'm trying to see if there are any hot coin men.

Meredith: mm nice

me:
me: sackajoea (spell??) is looking pretty good in that group

Meredith: sacagawea. i just looked it up. i thought it was a 'qu' word. yeah, the coin guys aren't so hot.

"Andrew and his brother Robert Jackson were taken as prisoners, and they nearly starved to death. When Andrew refused to clean the boots of a British officer, the irate redcoat slashed at him, giving him scars on his left hand and head, as well as an intense hatred for the British."

me: haha

Meredith: scars... mm

me: haha sketchy

So what do you think? Who is your presidential hottie of choice? I'll give Hamilton wild-child points, but how can you deny Grant's soulful gaze?

Voting--as always--is totally enabled in the comments.

UPDATE: Now with more presidential hotties than ever before!!!

Meredith: ohhhhh mckinley!

and cleveland

me: whoooo wants a mustache ride!!?

does that make me a total gold digger if the dude on the biggest bill turns me on the most?

Your $5 Bill: Now, Gayer Than Ever!

The U.S. Treasury is rolling out a new, gussied up five dollar bill. Lincoln is back, more colorful that ever, and ready to party. And I'm loving the headlines he's generating:

Lincoln's $5 Bill Gets a Colorful Makeover -- CNN

$5 Bill to Have Splashes of Purple, Gray --The AP

Colorful New $5 Bill is Meant to Make Counterfeiters See Red -- The Wall Street Journal

The New $5 Bill is Like So, Totally Gay -- Me

I mean, see for yourselves:


And according to reputable historical sites like History News Network, GayHeroes.com, and About.com:GayLife, I might just be on to something here!

Your Awesome- Yay/Nay of the Day: Electronic Bubblewrap and 30 Seconds to Vomit

Welcome to a new segment of DivMo I'm calling "Your Awesome Yay/Nay of the Day," because everything good has a little bad in it and everything bad has a little good. Didn't you learn that after you got sent to the principle's office for doodling yin yangs on your notebook? Or was that just my fundamentalist Christian elementary school experience? Ah, anyway--

For those of you who don't have the luxury of being hooked up to a RSS-information drip all day long, I now give you the best and worst of what the internets is tangled up in today.

The Awesome-Yay of the Day:
File this under impossibly unnecessary things I must own right away:

Boing Boing brings us this story of the best toy ever: electronic bubble wrap!

Japanese toymaker Bandai's Mugen Puchi-Puchi is a handheld electronic gizmo that makes the sound of popping bubblewrap when you press on the plastic bubbles.

Not only does this little gizmo give you unlimited poptasmic pleasure, but every 100th push lets out a lady's moan or a fart noise--which sounds occurs is determined by a sophisticated pressure analysis based on the form of release the popper is in greater need of. Okay, so I made that last part up, the sounds happen at random. But maybe in the 2.0 version...

Speaking of fart noises...
The Awesome-Nay of the Day:

30 Seconds to Mars cover Kanye's new single "Stronger." Nothing like taking a cocky hip-hop track and turning it into a plaintive, pseudo-emo ballad. Though there is something pretty awesome about hearing Jared Leto sing about "doing anything for a Klondike" with sincerity more sweetly oozing than the melting ice cream bar in question.

Watch Kanye do it better on the Jimmy Kimmel Show and then head over to I Guess I'm Floating to hear the 30 Seconds to Vomit Cover. And don't say I didn't warn ya.

Your Morning Dose of Web Junk: Harry Potter in the Hood

Rumor has it J.K. Rowling is considering writing an 8th installment of Harry Potter chronicling Harry's bid to out rhyme 50 cent and Kanye for the title of the Kingpin of Hip Hop.

OK, maybe not. But that would be totally sweet.

Watch this video, laugh, and have another cup of coffee. Repeat as necessary until you've gotten through the morning.



Hat tip to yesbutnobutyes for putting H. Piddy in my reader this morning.

I IOIed All Over His DHV, And Boy Was It A Mess!

The best part of last night's episode of The Pick Up Artist?

Was it watching the boys try to chase down "moving targets" on a bridge?

Or was it the inevitable group cry in the pillow room when they failed their objective?

Or the primping montage before the boys hit "the erotic dancer club" where Joe D. meticulously arranges his chest hair?

Or was it how the challenge-winner Brady "demonstrated his higher value" by asking the stripper who approached him where all the hot girls were. Yeah, Mr. Plastic Ken-doll Hair, you show us how insults + low self esteem = awkward limo make out.

Or was it the two cuts to commercial break while the tension built as Mystery decided whether to eliminate Kosmo or Joe D.?

Or the close up on Kosmo and Joe D. holding hands (!) as they awaited Mystery's final verdict?

No, the best part of last night's episode of The Pick Up Artist was watching these poor guys being coached in the art of lady-attracting by this dude:

What this picture does not show you is the aaaaamazing giant brown bell-bottoms Mystery wore to complete this "incognito" look. If this dude's got as much game as he claims, I like to see him pick up chicks on the bridge in this 70s-meets-Amish getup. Now that would be quality television.

As the show reaches its finale and castmates get eliminated, I find myself rooting more and more for my favorites to be sent home, escaping the fate of turning their lives into sycophantic followers of "Mystery."

So to Joe D., my fallen (facebook)friend, here are my words of advice: Go home, wash that skunk stripe out of your hair; get a job you love; move out of your parents' basement; do the things that will actually make you feel good about yourself so you don't have to waste so much time making up ways to trick girls into thinking you're valuable--just BE a valuable person.

And remember, there is no greater sign of value than being my Facebook friend. Just sayin.

Because You Had Better Things To Do Last Night Than Watch The Emmys

...Like watching that tense/exciting/omg!omg!omg!bases loaded! 9th inning! ortiz!/ahh damnit!! Sox-Yankees game last night. (Not that I'm bitter.)

Here is the best thing that happened on the Emmy's last night. Put my favorite actor in my favorite TV show (Rainn Wilson, The Office) with the dude responsible for my favorite album of the moment (Kanye West, Graduation) and throw in a little Wayne Brady to mix shit up, and you got boring award-show gold.



Now if only a classier reality tv show like I Love New York, or The Pick Up Artist had won for "Best Reality Series"...

Social (Network) Suicide

My internet personalities have gotten out of control. Fractured, neglected selves float along the internet tides: debris of interests, activities, and preferences cataloged in late-night bursts of solipsism. Out-dated dating profiles, reading lists, musical libraries... Do all of these casualties of waning self-interest really deserve internet half-life?

No.

It's time I performed some social network suicide.


And because no one wants to die alone, I'm providing you with all the gruesome details. Though it would be irresponsible for me to advocate that you take similar drastic actions against your virtual self, I won't lie: all the cool kids are doing it.

Site: Friendster
Purpose: The social network that separates those who went to college B.FB. (Before Facebook) from those in their earlier, more social network-savvy 20s.
Reason I Joined: It was my induction into the big bad social networking world.
Reason I'm Leaving: The fact that it took me 5 tries to even figure out what ancient email address and password combination I used to log in shows you how often I'm on the site these days.
Ease of Deletion (on a 1-10 scale where 1 is ridiculously impossible and 10 is instant, painless): 7. Once I finally made it in, I found the death option relatively quickly in the account settings.

Site: Intellect Connect
Purpose: A pro-geeks dating site
Reason I Joined: Friend coercion and mild curiosity to see if I'd go over big in the geek market
Reason I'm Leaving: Internet dating creeps me out; I apparently am not big in the geek market
Ease of Deletion: 9.5, an easy to locate "Cancel this Account" button is all it took.

Site: XuQa
Purpose: No clue what the hell this is for until I found the FAQ page: "XuQa is a giant online reality game played for fame and fortune between you, your friends, and 1,000,000 other players. May the best XuQan win!" I smell spam.
Reason I Joined: Who the hell knows. Probably a friend invite. I might have been drunk.
Reason I'm Leaving: Thank God I gave it an email address I barely use. This is some serious back alley social (disease-spreading) networking going on here.
Ease of Deletion: -1! After a lengthy search for a "delete this account" button on my profile editing page, I located the FAQ page which instructed me to locate an oddly placed "Settings" link which then provided me with a "Deactivate" tab which then gave me the message (I kid you not):

"Deactivation is temporarily disabled."

Um, what? That's like me telling a guy I want to break up and him saying: "Nah, I think I'll pass on that offer and be your boyfriend indefinitely." Fine XuQa! Have it your way. You wont let me leave on my own accord--I'll freeze you out with the harshest kind of emotional rejection. My profile picture? Gone! My name? Changed to ". ." The language settings on my profile? Changed to Turkish! How do you like me now?

Site: Spock
Purpose: A search engine type deal where you get to tailor what information people can find while searching for you.
Reason I Joined: Peer pressure.
Reason I'm Leaving: I can't be trusted to put up appropriate information about myself.
Ease of Deletion: 2--possible, but involves a multi-step process. According to their FAQ page:

"If the information on your Spock search result was created by yourself or when you signed up for Spock, you need to go onto your search result, and vote down all the information using the voting function (for more on voting, see the section entitled removing tags from Spock.) After you have completed the above steps, please email info@corp.spock.com and we will delete your account."

I've never had to vote "no" against aspects of my personality before: no, I am not a writer; no, I do not provide emotional support; or chocolate; or blog; or exist on any plane as a "Badass Mofo"--I even voted against my own name. Since the site is more of a search engine than a social network profile page, there is a high likelihood their "spiders" will catch my other blogs and profiles in their webs eventually and recreate my profile--but at least it will be based on more "credible" sources than my self-tagging.

Site: Virb
Purpose: To be the next MySpace. But actually look good.
Reason I Joined: This site does show potential--some people's personal pages look totally bitchin'--but you either need web design skills or the $ to hire someone to do it for you. No nasty html "skins" to paste in here.
Reason I'm Leaving: No one I actually know is on Virb and I got tired of accepting "friendship" from bands looking to have someone listen to their "sweet trackz!"
Ease of Deletion: 9 -- In the account settings, with a charming warning note:

This is very permanent and by committing account suicide, there is no guarantee you will go to social networking heaven. However, if you must: Delete Account.

Site: I'm in Like With You (IILWY)
Purpose: "hello.
we think people are kinda fun.
so we made this site.
its not perfect. but we hope you like it.
go ahead and peoplewatch. people are kinda fun.
be careful. people are hotter on the internet. so its a good thing you're on the internet."
Reason I Joined: An invite from a friend.
Reason I'm Leaving: Um, I'm not. But aside from the evening I spent setting this thing up, I've never used it.
Ease of Deletion: 0--the insane beta test Web 2.0-ness began to make my brain implode with its cheery gradients and bouncing pictures and I finally gave up.

Site: Mog
Purpose: A social network for music fans. Download software that analyzes your iTunes library and your friends can see what you're listening to now.
Reason I Joined: I like music! And now my friends can easily browse my music library for things to "borrow."
Reason I'm Leaving: Maybe people don't need to know how often I'm listening to Fall Out Boy. I also only had 1 friend. And I haven't logged on since I created it.
Ease of Deletion: 10, like most well-designed sites, my reprieve was in the account settings with this guilt-inducing pop-up note:

"Are you sincerely, absolutely, genuinely, honestly, really, truly, truthfully, wholeheartedly, earnestly and fervently sure that you want to leave MOG? There is no turning back once you hit that button."

Site: Good Reads
Purpose: Social network for people who read books. You list the ones you've read, write reviews, make friends.
Reason I Joined: I always had a fantasy about cataloging ever book I ever read.
Reason I'm Leaving: I read a lot of trash and am never motivated to update my list, let alone write reviews of books.
Ease of Deletion: 8, for the fact that it took some serious waffling before I finally decided to be honest with myself. I will never find the time to keep that thing updated.

The social ties that still bind: Facebook (how else can I stalk my favorite reality tv stars?), MySpace (under duress, because everyone is doing it), OkCupid (strictly for research purposes, I swear!)

Because MTV Doesn't Play Them: Your Music Video of the Day

It's true I love me some Fall Out Boy. And it's things like this world premiere video of their new single "Me and You"* that make me feel just a little less embarrassed about that fact. The video is an effort bring attention to the organization Invisible Children that's goal is to raise awareness about the plight of child soldiers in Northern Uganda. They manage to mix a serious issue with a sweet softcoremopoppunkuhwhatevs song and not come off all preachy McBono.



*The song is officially titled, in classic Wentzian style: "I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me and You)." God, how the English major masochist in me loves/hates/loves that shit!

The Only Shot I Want To Take With Tila Tequila Involves Gun Play

Now, don't get me wrong: I love shitty reality television dating shows as much as the next person. But turning the nebulous celebrity that is MySpace (vomit) fame, into a reality dating show, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila?

Just look at her! She's eating her own necklace! Bad dog! Put it down before you choke on it. Drop it!

And for the big twist this time around? Boys AND girls want to be dating this... thing.

First it's a washed up, mumbling rapper. Then the prostitart 2-time runner-up and an aging "rocker" who blows his nose near a chick and "connects souls."

And now, a chick famous for friending everyone on a website where each page holds a new eye-gouging disaster of "personal style" to the score of your favorite top-40 track of the moment.

You know this is only the beginning. Like Tila Tequila to her necklace (dog:bone) so is VH1 MTV to it's craptastic reality dating programming. Who will be next in this downward shame spiral? I've created a mathematical algorithm that inputs variables of class, watchability, general nastiness, and dwindling credibility as a celebrity and have come up with the following predictions for future shows:

Hos for Hobos: Win A Date With The Guy Who Eats Trash Out Of Your Dumpster!!!

No That's Not A Balloon Animal In My Pocket: To Date A Predator Edition!

But perhaps the most frightening (and potentially possible!) prediction of all:

Trolling For Love With Perez Hilton!!

Just remember you heard it here first! I am the blog of Revelations and, my friends, the apocalypse is now.

Meta Live Blogging The VMAs

Because all the cool blogs (BWE, Idolator, Stereogum) are liveblogging MTV's VMAs, I've decided to live blog the live blogging of the VMAs (does your head hurt yet? I bet mine will soon enough). Here you'll find all my favorite snark from my favorite snarkers (with some of my own gems in the mix):

The Preshow Quotables:

BWE, Alex Blagg:
8:02 - Since when did Pete Wentz, the bassist, become the spokesman for Fall Out Boy? He’s telling us about his uberhip moonlighting gig as a “DJ”. When he wants to make the club “go off” he either plays Justin Timberlake or Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”. And there you have it: Journey is THE bangin’ club band of the summer.

Me: It wouldn't hurt to let my personal FOB fav, Patrick do some more talking, though hearing Bon Jovi is the other club slayer when Pete djs hurts my soul.

BWE, Alex Blagg:
8:42 - Hahahaha, Paris Hilton got her hair cut like Hillary Clinton.

Me: HAHA. Amazing.

The Show

Me, 9:00: On Britney. Holy crap. Zombie with a bad weave in a sparkly bikini. But maybe even more tasteless than having Britney perform is to have Sarah Silverman come out and make a bunch of stupid jokes about Britney. Is she really hosting? God I hope not. She's talking about diarrhea now? Where's the hook? I think Sarah was actually more painful to watch than Britney. At least Britney's performance was sad/funny, not just sad. Thank god this show is only airing once.

BWE, on Britney:
9:00 - It’s Britney Bitch! No. Actually, it’s some chunky soccer mom who’s pooped out a couple of kids but is wearing a glitter bikini anyway, stumbling around the stage, lip-synching a little, but otherwise utterly f*cking confused about what, exactly, she’s supposed to be doing right now. This is sad, like someone doing Karaoke who just forgot the lyrics and isn’t really sure what they’re supposed to be doing. The cutaway shots to the celebs in the crowd are only making this more painful to watch. Britney’s back, bitch! Or not really.

Stereogum, on Britney:
9:02Wow, she's not even trying to feign singing. Her lip syncing is almost as bad as her weave.
9:07Wow Sarah. Way to use those stretched lips to suck all the air out of the room.

Idolator, on Sarah Silverman:
9:04 p.m. Sarah Silverman is bombing too! Oh my God this whole night is going to be me laughing at people not laughing!
9:06 p.m. SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB THAT IS THIS SHOW. Sarah Silverman just made a diarrhea joke. Oh my God.

Me, 9:11: Haha I'm thinking it was no mistake Pete Wentz's mic was cut off during his whole spot about The Friends & Enemies Lounge. Ohh I hope FOB wins the first award!!! (oh boo Rihanna won)

BWE, 9:11: Pete Wentz’s microphone isn’t working as he tries to tell us how “hot and rad and poppin” his party suite is. He’s never sounded quite so eloquent.

Me, 9:15: Thank god for Kanye, the most lively performance of the night! And they, um... cut to commercial? Wtf? And then Akon is performing and they begin announcing over it.

Me, 9,22: HAHA I love Seth Rogan. Trying to encourage the kids to text in for the Best New Artist award by not voting for the people you want to lose the award. The VMAs are for losers, indeed!

Me, 9:25: Okay, had to pause to watch Fall Out Boy. Ah, Patrick. Hearts! Though I'm really not digging this half-the song thing MTV has going on.

Idolator (thinking the same thing) 9:25 p.m. Wait and now it's Fall Out Boy! With these really awkward camera angles and maybe half the song and I guess you actually have to go to the Internet to see the whole thing. Because God forbid this whole thing be about music, right?

Me, 9:30: Another half-way through a song cut to a concert. This time Foo Fighters. This style makes me feel like I've walked in to the middle of a party. Why can't they just give us the whole fucking performance. Nice to know MTV is now run by 60-something executives who all sat around a fucking boardroom and decided this was the best way for them to market to the ADD generation. Blech.

BWE, 9:32 - MTV is the Britney Spears of television networks, and tonight ain’t gonna make either of them any more relevant. This is a disaster.

Me, 9:33: Aww, Kanye stands on his toes to see 50 in the eyes. Now if this were a real hip hop beef guns would be drawn and this show would actually be interesting.

Me, 9:36: God, Maroon 5. Okay, I take back complaining about the announcers talking over the performances to advertise for their sponsors.

Me, 9:45: Chris Brown is Charlie Chaplin? Puppet Hitler? Awesome. I wonder when the announcer is going to start talking over him about Neutrogena products. Bonus points for using an umbrella as a giant erection when Rihanna walked on stage, Chris. Now for an homage to Michael Jackson in front of a giant MTV sign. Yeah, I remember when MTV was relevant. It was the 80s and I was 2.

Missed Britney? Stereogum put it up for you.

My roommate switched it to Family Guy. Not sure I have the energy/desire to ask him to change it back...

Me, 9:55: And the Hills girls are on. God, I should ask him to turn back to the Family Guy... Another award for JT. Shocker. HAHA. Timbaland takes the award, and then re-presents it. Ohh there should be a dance off between JT and Chris Brown. Scary to hear 20-something JT say he's feeling old. YES! JT "Play more damn videos!" Amazingly appropriate in front of these Hills trollups.

Me, 10:05: Lebeouf! Rocking a Muniz. Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Do we care? Umm... Anyone? Haha. And apparently no one gives a shit about picking up Fergie's award either. You KNOW your in trouble when Queen of the Butterfaces is too cool to attend your award show. Lebeouf just takes it for himself. The apathy is palpable.

BWE, 10:06 - It’s the mooooootherf*ckiiiiiiing LEBEOUF! AND HE IS SPORTING A LEBEOUFSTACHE! AND HE JUST TOLD US THE NAME OF THE NEW INDIANA JONES FLICK! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull With LEBEOUF, here I come! Suck it, Ludacris - LeBeouf is taking your award!

Stereogum, 10:10: Female artist of the year: Fergie! Is she even a woman? Ludacris refused to stand. He's got an erection.

Me, 10:17: If only I could just be hanging out in FOB's suite... at least they look like they're having fun. Oh god, now Timbaland is going to show us what he does... with Linkin Park?!? Why am I not drinking?

BWE, 10:17 - The “Friends or Enemies” Fall Out Boy Suckfest Party is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wish we could be in the Creative Conference Room with the monkeys that devised this show. It would be adorable, like watching a puppy chase its tail, or a retarded kitten terrified by a ball of yarn. This is hopeless. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on…

Me, 10:23: Best Group is up... as long as it's not Maroon 5, I'm happy. YAY FOB! The Easter Bunny presents it and Patrick is wearing... a plastic mountain on his head? Brilliant.

BWE, 10:25 - And Fall Out Boy wins the statue prize for “Best Group”. But best group of what? Best group of shopping mall cliches? Best group of insufferable douchedragons with expensive haircuts? Best group of dudes content to allow themselves to be dismissed so the “good-looking one” can take credit for the measly amount of “art” they’ve managed to produce? Either way, they WIN!

Me, 10:31: Ohh Rihanna doing 'Shut Up and Drive' with FOB. Sweet. Too bad it got cut off. But at least it's to hear Seth Rogen and Bill Hader call Kid Rock a loser. Could this show actually be getting better? Not that that's saying very much.

Idolator, 10:30 p.m. OK it's Fall Out Boy backing Rihanna on "Shut Up And Drive" and this might be the first watchable moment of the evening.

Me, 10:36: Alicia Keys busting out the George Michael "Freedom." Reminding us again of the days when MTV was relevant. It's the glitziest eulogy I've ever seen.

Me, 10:44: Jamie Foxx is talking about a Tommy Lee vs. Kid Rock slapfest "They were fighting like black people!" And now he's beatboxing while she's trying to talk. Is he drunk? I hope so! And what about this fight that we missed. Of course the most entertaining shit (like Tommy Lee and Kid Rock slapping the hell of each other) is off camera... Ohh best new artist! Let's go PB&J!

...And the best new group... "Gym Class Fall Out"? Hahaha. Nice to see Jennifer Garner's in touch with the kid's music these days. Travis' acceptance speech is chugging his booze. Very fitting. Remind me again why I'm not drinking.

BWE, 10:45 - Jamie Foxx managed to say 12,954 words in a coke-fueled tour-de-force attention-grabbing promo-rant before Jennifer Garner was able to squeeze in a single audible sound. And all 12,954 words were the name and release date of their new movie. This has to be some kind of world record. And Jennifer Garner is so overwhelmed by this mind-blowing display, she give an award to Gym Class Fallout, which is somehow poetic.

Me, 10:48: Miss South Fucking Carolina announcing something and making fun of her speech by sounding retarded... on purpose? I don't think you're allowed to make fun of yourself if you still don't understand the words coming out of your mouth. This show has officially entered hell.

BWE, 10:48 - That braindead beauty queen from South Carolina sacrifices her dignity even further, and publicly degrades herself and our culture just a little bit more in order to squeeze out a few topical laughs for this snoozefest of an awards program. Sad.

Me, 10:56: Is this over yet? Haha. Mary J just called 50 cent, "50 cents." Dr. Dre, are you here to put this show out of its misery? And now, Video of the Year... why does the screen layout look like a bad DVD menu screen? Don't they pay people to design this shit? Oh, and Rihanna won.

Haha. P.Diddy and Young Joc laughing it up about Kid Rock and Tommy Lee's slapfest "Stop the Violence in Rock and Roll!" While we're at it, let's stop the irrelevance too.

Last performance of the night and it's over! Nelly's falsetto makes dogs howl. Yow! This show won't be over until it extracts every last bit of pain from the experience. Please JT save me. I'm not going to lie, fundamental grammar issues aside, I kinda dig "The Way I Are."

Annnd... It's over!

Final Thoughts:

BWE, 11:05 - And so everything comes full circle with our old “wine and anti-depressenty” friend Nelly Furtado doing some kind of Cirque du Soleil performance art piece with Justin Timberlake and a bunch of Vegas cabaret girls. I’d like to thank all of you for reading, suffering and commenting along with me tonight, and I’d like to thank MTV for being so amazingly in touch with what’s hip and relevant to 11 year-old gay boys in Iowa. Until next year!

Stereogum, 11:06: So the special performance stars Nelly's poor choice of dress, Timbaland's beef pipes, the people's champ JT, and possibly that girl who won the phoneathon to sing with JT during the Grammys. Justin's dancing. Anybody know where Chris Brown is?

Idolator, 11:08 p.m. Joe: "Is this the finale or the postscript?"
11:09 p.m. Come on. 'N Sync reunion. It needs to happen now.
11:10 p.m. Joe: "This is like 'rich people having fun and being drunk while all of you poor people are at home and angry and being drunk.' "

Me, 11:14: Not sure I have the stamina to sit through the sycophantic post-show recap. If I hadn't been spending most of my "watching" meta-blogging, I'm not sure I would have survived.

Oh snap. I thought they said they were only going to play this once? Then what the fuck is Britney doing on my tv restarting the show? Ahhhhhhh I cry uncle!!!

Uh oh.... Catherine Zeta-Jones Forgive Me...

I knew I shouldn't have checked. But given Apple's big announcement yesterday, I just had to know...

The girl answering T-Mobile's phone lines loved my name... she had a friend in school who had the last name Bailey... she wanted to know how my day was going... we were instant bff... and then I asked how long I was contracted to stay with T-Mobile...

Why do you want to know?
[Why don't you want to be my friend? What do you mean you want to leave me!?!]

I uh... Well, honestly, I was thinking about getting an iPhone.
[I'm sorry; I've met someone.]

Oh! Well we have phones that provide very similar services to the iPhone! I can tell you about some great deals you'd get for extending your contract with us! They're virtually the same as the iPhone!
[Don't leave me! I'll do anything! I promise I'll be better! I can be fun! I have features too!]

Oh, really?
[This is the point where I spend ten minutes "listening" to her pitch other phones and realize I'm too nice, too pitying of her boring phone sales job where hearing another young person's voice on the phone is the highlight of her morning, to point out to her that the iPhone is called "The Jesus Phone" for a reason and a Sidekick would never cut it for me.]

May Catherine Zeta-Jones and the T-Mobile gods forgive me...

Damn you peer pressure!

I'm singing a new tune to "All I Want For Christmas (No, Still Not a Zune)..."

And Now For Some Shameless Gushing...

Guess who is going to see Sufjan Stevens in the flesh (mmmm...) on November 3rd for his intellectually-orgasmic performance of BQE: a piece inspired by the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.

From the Brooklyn Academy of Music site:

A prolific singer/songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, and composer with a penchant for storytelling, Sufjan Stevens reveals the epic in the everyday in songs infusing the vernacular of Midwestern folk with a distinctly orchestral grandeur. Stevens pairs orchestrated selections of both new and old material with the 25th Next Wave Festival commission/world premiere of The BQE—a symphonic and cinematic exploration of one of New York's least celebrated monuments: the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.

Robert Moses' controversial 11.7-mile roadway tears through neighborhoods in Brooklyn and Queens with the brute force of modern urban planning, and in Stevens' hands becomes an evocation of the intersection of intimate experience and the American Dream. Merging a virtual road trip shot on film with a live band and orchestral ensemble, The BQE discovers abstract patterns and stories in the snaking traffic, potholed pavement, billboards, badly marked exits, and beautiful city views, revealing what happens when Manifest Destiny converges with urban blight.

So. Damn. Exciting. I know a pair of pants I want to manifest my destiny in...

So he's really smart. And talented. And sensitive. And attractive. And he knits. He must be either gay or a robot or something because if "too good to be true" were a billboard, I just flew my fantasy plane right through it.

And now for some gratuitous pictures of my (fantasy world) baby daddy:









And here's a video of him performing on a roof for good measure:



For the uninitiated:

A) Shame on you!
B) Listen to some tracks over at The Hype Machine

How I Celebrated Labor Day

Seven Ways I Celebrated Labor Day:

1. Slept in ('til 1:30 p.m.!)


2. Found a new blog to love (and read it from finish to start): Confessions of a College Call Girl


3. Witnessed the bastard birth of memes gone wild:



4. Discovered werewolves can indeed have sex with humans, even though scientists previously thought it impossible, from my new love: sci-fi romance novels.


5. Finished off a roll of toilet paper blowing my nose (attractive, I know).

6. Watched two hours worth of E! True Hollywood Story Investigates: Hot For Student


7. Ate a burrito.


Hope you all had an equally enjoyable Labor Day!