It all started back in high school with an internet connection, an enabling best friend, and an embarrassing love for the band Hanson. (And parents worry their children will be peer pressured into drugs! They'd do better worrying about their child being pressured into loving teenybop pop!)
I have never been so emotionally traumatized reading a piece of fiction (with the plausible exception of that Tom Wolfe piece of shit I am Charlotte Simmons) than when reading the workings of the demented minds of the uberfans.
And now, I'm pleased to pass along that traumatic experience to you! (Because what is DivMo good for if not scarring its readers!?!)
I give you my favorite fanfic finds of the day:
Feels Like a Lie
Jon stepped back, releasing Stephen from the strange but not unpleasant pressure of his body. “I just… I started to realize that all this bullshit – the pizza, and the playing footsie, and the back and forth—I was really putting something into it. I wanted,” he corrected himself, “I want it to be real. As for why… how can you doubt yourself? That eyebrow is too sexy.” He grinned but it didn’t reach his eyes. All this had hit too close to home for Stephen to know what to say. After a moment, Jon’s shoulders slumped and he turned away. “I knew this was a bad idea.”
Miss Piggy & SnapeSeverus Snape and the Muppetational Horcrux
"Kissy, kissy!" Piggy pressed herself more firmly against him, cuddling, and her hands slid down to the top of his buttocks. She was almost as agile as that Heffalump... well. The less said about that the better. Snape nearly reached for his wand but stopped short as he remembered the Potter brat's final ultimatum. Even though he'd proven even to the most vociferous of his detractors that Albus' killing had been on Albus' own orders, Potter had irrationally refused to cut him any slack whatsoever...
Bonus: Five Bizarrely Plausible Harry Potter/Muppets Crossover Romances
Justin TimberlakeThe Nightmare that was... Justin Timberlake!
I looked up at this man and saw that it was to my horror Justin Timberlake! I screamed and started to run onto the jetty (now that I think about it was not a good idea), he followed closely behind me singing and dancing and what made it worse he was doing the worst dance moves ever! I ran all the way down the jetty screaming for help, but no one was there. I was alone, on a jetty and being chased by Justin Timberlake, my life couldnt get any worse, but to my surprise it did, it started to rain, how cliche.
HansonBreakthrough or Breakdown
The present day is set in New York City, 2007. Taylor's a prostitute/drug addict/fucked up idiot and Zac's trying to find him. We're slowly finding out what happened to make Taylor run away while seeing what he has to deal with at present day. Expect drugs, sex, annorexia, self injury, and any other thing you would expect from one of my fics.
The BeatlesA Hard Days Night Of The Living Dead
“You’ve been ill John,” George said gently “out of your head for days. Don‘t you remember?”
“Remember what?” John snapped “the last thing I remember is going to bed last night, and you,” he said pointing at Ringo “were already there, but when I woke up this morning you were gone and I was in a different room and Christ is this a different bloody suite?!” he cried suddenly realizing that he didn’t recognize this room either. “What the hell is going on?!” he demanded “And where in the hell are my clothes?!” ...
“In the incinerator along with the bed linens and sheets,” Paul said “and the mattress too I think. Why do you think you’re in a new room, they had to disinfect the other.”
“Disinfect,” John said distastefully “Christ, what the hell did I have? Bloody Black Plague?!”
Paul sighed. “Well, yeah” he said softly “now that you mention it.”
And that’s when they told him about the virus.
It's OK John Lennon, I have the virus too!
I'm going to make this Friday FanFic Funtime a regular feature so leave your requests in the comments. I like a challenge.
(NB: "Please make it stop!" is not a valid request. I believe there's random-ass fanfic about every celeb on this earth. And I will make it my mission to discover the randomest of them all!)