A Picture Is Worth More Than A Thousand @!!!!@OMGYAYZAH!!!s

Our faces say it all. It was a fanfuckingtastic Christmas in Bearadise.

Photo taken day after Christmas. Helen, Georgia is where Santa goes to vacation too.

Have Yourself A Very Emo Christmas! [10 Songs For The Sad Santa In All Of Us: Because The Ribbon On My Wrist Says "Do Not Open Before Christmas"]

If you want me to get all Sound of Music on you, on the top of the list of my favorite things you'll find: downloading music, free stuff, holidays, emo kids, and crazy YouTube tribute videos. And of course my favorite of all favorites: that whole having cake and eating it too thing (pretty much all I've been doing at the holiday parties recently). But this time the cake will be metaphorical--easier on the hips that way--and will stand to represent my amazing ability to roll all of my favorite things into one giant yule log-like post!

That's right! I'm counting down my Top Ten Favorite Emo Christmas Songs!! And for all you skeptics out there who don't think Christmas and emo-ness go together, the proof is in the gingerbread man:

Thank God my roommates find my predilection for Hot Topic-ifying baked goods cute and quirky and not ah, seriously disturbing...

A note before we begin: If you like (or want to obtain for another reason aside from sheer enjoyment) any of the tracks listed, I've linked to their mp3 locations in the song names. In some cases you might have to do a little digging around on the page to find it, as many pages host multiple songs, but they should all be there and working [at least they were at the time of this post]. Fetus navidad, dudes!

[Oh, and for the record, you should ALWAYS click on every link in my posts because they are always ahhhmazin.]

OK! On to the countdown....

Fall Out Boy -- What's This?

There is absolutely nothing that says Emo Christmas Spectacular (On Ice!!!) better that The Nightmare Before Christmas. It is the sack full of angstified sugar that helps those Hot Topic perma-tricker treaters swallow their mandatory dose of Christmas cheer. It's also completely mandatory to be obsessed with this movie if you're a Fall Out Boy fan. (Just ask the #1 Pete Wentz fan over at YourSceneSucks.com.)

Punchline -- Icicles

There's no better way to let your ex know how you really feel about her this Christmas season than with an extended weather metaphor:

"Frostbite!! You are an icicle/Warmth of the season can't melt/This is the last time I let the winter have it's way with me/And I know how it feels to be spending your Christmas alone..."

The only video I could find on the Utubes that featured this song was of some dude just tooling around on his scooter. In shorts. Fucking hilarious.

New Found Glory -- Ex' Miss

Another track for that bitch who left you to go sleep with the soccer team:

"Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong this year/I know you never liked any gifts I gave to you/This holiday is overrated/It turns out the way I expected/Another year this time I regret/I spent too much time and money on you."

The video starts out with a little Nightmare montage before devolving into neighborhood kids lip-syncing in the driveway and throwing snow. That ex girlfriend could probably do better and so could this video.

Pansy Division -- Homo Christmas

Because "fag" is the slur of choice for emo-haters, I give you one of my favorite gay-themed Christmas songs this year. Trust me, you'll never look at candy canes the same after hearing this one.

"You'll probably get sweaters, underwear and socks, but what you really want for Christmas is a nice hard cock..."

Ahhmazin, no?

The accompanying video is also fantastic, especially with the elaborate disclaimers that start it off:

My Chemical Romance -- All I Want For Christmas Is You

It's not Christmas without Mariah Carey's pop juggernaut "All I Want for Christmas is You," a song so popular this time of year it's landed Mariah back in the top ten this week despite her crazy crazy career-killing bath-tub-climbing-in ways.

Finding the My Chem version was a pain in the ass so y'all better be thankful.

Blink 182 -- I Won't Be Home For Christmas

This is classic Blink humor. I'll let the video speak for itself; although it's just a fanvid, it's remarkably well-done and hilarious.

Standstill -- I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus

One of my favorite Christmas acquirements this year. Because Santa is an equal-opportunity lover.

"I couldn't make a noise/Who would have thought that he liked boys?/It seems that he's much further in the closet than my toys/...Not that there's anything wrong with that.../Maybe this year since Dad is queer I'll get some better stuff..."

Love. Love. Love it!

Culturcide -- Depressed Christmas

This is probably the most depressing Christmas song you'll hear all season. Due to its rarity, I couldn't find a YouTube version. But picture a man affect-lessly singing "I'm having a depressed Christmas" to the tune of "Blue Christmas" and then slow it down to half speed. It's so morose it brings a tear of joy to my eye every time I hear it. Click on the link and get it and then check out another piece of Culturcide amazingness: "They Aren't The World." [Wait for Bruce to come in at 2:15. Trust, it's well worth it.]

Sufjan Stevens -- Did I Make You Cry On Christmas Day? (Well, You Deserved It!)

Suf's spent many years and EPs "reclaiming" Christmas and this moody little number is one of my all-time favs of his 40 song+ efforts. Best line:

"I stay awake at night/after we have a fight/I'm writing poems about you/And they're not very nice."

And for a nice bonus for the House lovers out there, I give you this brilliant little piece of angsty House-Cuddy fanvid tribute:

And the #1 prize for Emotastic Christmasness in a Song goes to...

Fall Out Boy!

for

Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

The merits of this choice are so multitudinous that I am forced to present them in a numbered list:

1) Gotta love The Christmas Story reference
2) Not to mention the horrific Yule/You'll pun...
3) The lyrics blow all those other "Fuck the bitch who broke my heart" Christmas carols out of the water:

"I've been checking my list/The gifts you're receiving from me will be:/One awkward silence/Two hopes you cry yourself to sleep waiting by the phone/And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me before you bury yourself alive/Don't come home for Christmas/You're the last thing I want to see underneath the tree/Merry Christmas I could care less..."

4) I have, in fact, been completely busted at a stoplight (and winked at!) for getting a little too riled up about that gift list (One awkward silence!!!!!!!!!!).

5) To be honest, the part of that song that makes me feel the most emo is the "Merry Christmas/I could care less" chorus. Grammar people! You COULDN'T care less!! Unless of course, if you were an emo kid. And then you could probably care less about well, everything.

6) This accompanying fanvid is exactly the amazing literal pictorial translation I would put together if I had such mad YouTubular video editing skills. For serious, that shit's hilarious. (Note the noosed doll in the freeze-frame.)

7) And ah, duh, it's Fall Out Boy... As if I listened to any other band anyway!

Now that I've emoed out all over this blog, I think it's time for me to get a little R&R. For the next seven days, I'll be off in the woods of Georgia with my family (cue the Deliverance banjos). Better yet, the cabin we're staying in is called--I shit you not--Bearadise Chalet!

I'll be back in action (assuming I survive) on Friday the 28th--just in time for our next installment of Friday's FanFic Finds! Yippee!

Mazel Christmakwanzswastika to all! And to all a tearful night waiting by the phone!

Will Tila Make The Bi-Curious Bi-Furious? [Live Blogging The Finale of A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila]

Tonight will answer our burning questions: Will Tila choose a man or a woman for her shot at love? And ah, is that where we caught the burning?

9:55 p.m. Five minutes to finale!! Crystal Meth addicts are an awesome lead in. Keep it tuned here for all the sordid details of the Tila Tequila finale!

9:58 p.m. Meet our contenders: Dani

vs.

Bobby

It's a good night for names ending in I/Y.

10:05 p.m. Oh crap! That meth special was on one of the bajillion other MTV channels. We tune in just in time to see Dani ahhhh... rapping?!? with TONS of eye makeup on... YIKES!

10:07 p.m. The roommate poll is in: I'm the only Dani hold out. Though I must admit I'm not sure why she's choosing this moment to fem it up with all that makeup. I hope this isn't the first chink in her adorably butchy armor.

10:09 p.m. Woah, what the hell is going on with that Mountain Dew colored walls? My eyes!

10:10 p.m. Aww the parents are back! Ohh I hope the fams have to camp out in the big bed. HAHA Bobby's a snuggler who slept with his mommy til he was six.

10:11 p.m. New item on my Christmas list: a chandelier made of vibrators. I wonder if Martha Steward Living put it out?

10:12 p.m. Between the electric blue dress, the red roses and the puce walls... save me... Nice that the dinner table debate is whether it's better to be "Mad" or "Crazy"

10:14 p.m. And we're not even 15 minutes in and the moms have begun poll dancing...

10:15 p.m. Roommate brings up a valid point: So ah, where is Tila's family in all of this?

Commercial Break: According to Fox--the bastion of all reporting accuracy--Dani is actually a mush of fem and butch: "futch" (rhymes with mooch) and is coming out with a clothing line (!?!) called Futch, natch.

10:20 p.m. Way to bend gender stereotypes guys! Bobby is the snuggler who asks Dani to talk to him because he's lonely and Dani says "I've never been this in touch with my feelings before. This sucks."

10:23 p.m. Oh God, not another montage where they play The Indigo Girls when Dani is kissing Tila! Way to play into the lesbian stereotypes producers! And the clip that makes me LOVE Dani: when she declares their kiss "Awesome!" and then quickly follows it up with the adorably self-aware: "Who says that?!"

10:25 p.m. "Bobby, I know you want me. Deep throat that thing!"
And ah, how fake is his "I love you" whisper? Ahh, Bobby's montage gets scored by Boys Like Girls. Punny!

Commercial Break: Tila takes on the rumors that she's secretly straight and has a 5-years-her-senior boyfriend the whole time on her MySpace page: Apparently she wasn't allowed to leave the house either. Way to find love via The Stockholm Syndrome!

10:32 p.m. Roommate points out Dani is unlikely to move out to LA for Tila since she actually has a career as a firefighter in Florida... Fuck it, I'm still rooting for her.

10:36 p.m. Haha Bobby's gift: A songbook for Tila to write in "if she has feelings." How charmingly naive. Like Tila actually writes songs. Or has feelings.

Commercial Break: Most amazing article title related to Tila Tequila: Tila Tequila Closing in on SpongeBob SquarePants

10:41 p.m. Hmm this song playing as she walks down the stairs sounds like... could it possibly be? Tila Tequila singing! Shocker! I gotta admit, the song is lame but the dress is adorable.

10:45 p.m. The "this is hard for me speech." I'm just bracing myself for the inevitable commercial break. Gasp! No commercial break! She picked Bobby! Shit!

10:47 p.m. Most fucking depressing end ever. And what's with all this scary music and the weird kissing montage. And the fucking Fray song....

A chase? "How to Save a Life"? What's going on? An invite for a 3-way? Noooooooow we get the commercial break...

Commercial Break: Yeah, they totally want you to think she changed her mind. But the cynic in me is pretty positive she's just going to give Dani a hug and a "let's stay friends" speech.

10:53 p.m. Dani stays classy despite getting her heart stomped on. Tila's got some crazy fake crying going on there.

Ah, chin up Dani. Even the straight girls are crushing on you. I don't think you'll ever need a shot to get a girl again.

And ah, Bobby is acting really weird... er... stoned?

Oh Lord, Tila just said "My lover, my boo... I could be your wifey..."

"In the end, I chose a man!" Yeah, real shocker there, Hun.

The End.

Oh wait... it's: The End?

Until The Hangover next and the reunion special next week! Here's hoping it's as eventful as the I Love New York Reunion.

DivMo Gets A Little Work Done In Time For The Holiday Season!

This holiday season, DivMo has succumbed to the major Hollywood pressure to get a little work done. It's a subtle, tasteful job--nothing overboard--but we've decided to be honest about it all the same. Unlike Ms. Mmhmm, I'll Deviate Your Septum You Little Liar, we are not ashamed to come out with the truth.

If you take a look at the handy-dandy column to your right, you notice an updated bio (akin to some light Botoxing and some lip plumping--just to refresh the face of the site a little). And underneath that wikipedia-worthy entry, you will find the most dramatic change to the site (hello, rhinoplasty!), a section I titled: What I'm Reading (be afraid).

Due to the incredible magic that is my Google Reader, I am now able to share with all of you the highlights (er... OK, lowlights) of all the things I've been reading on the internet recently. (Like Jacko's melting face, giant fake hands to hold your baby, a website taking bets on when Amy Winehouse kicks it...) All the important news on the internet, natch.

And for those of you technophobes out there (of both the shitty music and the rapidly advancing technology that produces it), I implore you to put aside your fears (at least on the computer end of things) and try out Google Reader--or a similar RSS reader. Feed readers are a lazy procrastinator's best friend (and if you're here reading this site, that definitely means you).

All you have to do is subscribe to your favorite internet sites (or at least the ones that have RSS-feeds set up--which are most these days), and instead of having to URL your way around the internet to find new posts, the Google Reader spiders are released into the etherweb and bring all that information to you!

Now you don't have to spend your days refreshing your favorite celeb blog for the latest gibberish rant! You just open your reader and that LOLcat-meets-haiku-meets-emo-wangst is right there waiting for you!

Not to mention the awfsome* offerings of your all-time. favorite. blog. EVER.


*My new favorite word ever--or at least for the moment--way way cooler than w00t 4sho.

Friday's Sunday's Favorite FanFic Finds: Holy, Holy, Holy Crap! [Part 3]

Welcome to the special Sunday edition of Friday's Favorite FanFic Finds! In honor of this holy day and religious season, I give you blasphemous Biblical fan fiction!!

But first, a warm up with the awesome comic Achewood:

Jesus & Judas

Fic
by Jesuslovesjudas

It was a million degrees that season and Judas was in a small waist wrap and old, nearly broken sandals…Jesus the same, and sweat dripped from their long hair and goatees glistening on their bodies, toned and fit from prolonged walking. Judas was breathing heavily and his heart was beating as the good teacher approached him, cradled his cheek in his hand and went in to kiss him in friendship as he had done many times; however this time, Iscariot felt his teacher’s smooth and soft tongue pass between his quivering lips and engage the future traitor in a real kiss, which he returned, and it seemed to last an eternity…

God & Lucifer

Meditations on a Fall
by Culumacilinte

And He dreamed, if dreams indeed they could be called, of the time before the Fall. He dreamed of burning coal-eyes and long, clever fingers, and kisses like swift licks of flame. He dreamed of long conversation, of ringing laughter and of anger too; anger so great it drew storms heavy with the threat of lighting, storms which disgorged their contents onto the mortal earth, which quaked beneath the onslaught. El missed Lucifer’s anger. For no-one on earth or heaven dared get angry with Him as Lucifer had, beautiful Lucifer with his blazing soul and his defiance...

Saul, David & Jonathan

Honey to the Bee
by Dracosfanfic

The king had wrapped himself in a green cotton robe and an irritable scowl. Jonathan had an uncharitable thought that men his father’s age must hate having their sex interrupted because it was so hard for them to keep it up anyway.

“What do you want?” Saul asked.

“He is too young, Father,” Jonathan said. “I didn’t even know you liked boys.” He put the scrolls on Saul's table, picked them up and put them down again.

“I don’t. But David is no ordinary boy and he brought a present for his king. I was about to open it when you burst in rudely.”

Jonathan caught his own sigh of relief before it escaped. He knocked over an unlit oil lamp, and his father rolled his eyes.

“You might as well watch,” Saul said. The king had lost his mind again, Jonathan decided. Since when did they do that sort of thing?

“We have orgies now, like the Philistines?” Jonathan asked...

Mary Magdalene & Salome

Candles in the Rain

by Dracosfanfic

"I wouldn't mind seeing hundreds of naked Roman soldiers,"Salome snickered. "Mary, wouldn't you like to see nude, sweaty Roman men?" "Not particularly, "Mary said stiffly. She'd seen them before and never wanted to again. Salome was still practically a child and should never have to know what Mary knew about Romans. "Their things aren't circumcised ,"Salome said. Mary blanched and pressed a hand to her forehead. Joanna looked at her with some concern. "Salome, shush," Joanna said gently. Salome glanced at Mary, her face crinkling up again, but this time it was with worry, not distaste. "Go and greet your guests. Go on." Salome left, casting nervous glances back at them...

Cain & Abel

Am I My Brother's Keeper?

by Magnus_Leo

Sometimes, when I tended to my herd, he’d watch me. I’d pretend like he wasn’t there to tease him, but I’d smile to myself, thriving under his gaze, like a flower under the sun. Then he’d approach me, and make his presence known with cool hands under my clothes. Then we’d make love in those sparse, rough fields. The grass prickled like we were lying on a bed of nails, and the sun was hot and made us gleam with sweat. He smelled of dirt and tasted like salt and earth and metal...

Can't get enough of the fic? Check out Part 1 and Part 2.

My Dreams Are Alive With The Tedium Of 'The Hills'

The other night I had a horrible dream: I was hanging out with the kids from The Hills. Or at least in my dream-mind I knew these were the kids from The Hills though they took the shape of Generic Blond Girl and Generic Rich Boy. Which yeah, if you're familiar with the show at all, that's pretty much dead on.

In this nightmare I was forced to accompany them to the bank while Generic BG withdrew some money from her daddy-fed bank account. We may have actually walked through a drive up window--it was all very harrowing. And boring: very very boring. This is how I knew I was on The Hills.

The moment of dramatic tension occurred with Generic BG realized 'OMG! There's like, barely any money in this account! What will I do???!!?'

To which Generic RB suggested, 'You could get a job.' In that flat, the-producers-just-fed-me-this-line kind of way.

To which Generic BG replied, 'Yes! That's a great idea! Now I just need to find a job that makes $20 an hour and work for that whole hour so I have some money to put back into that account so Daddy doesn't get mad!'

Even though I was living in this dream reality with them, aimlessly wandering around the streets of LA as they tried to 'problem solve!' it struck me in that moment--even though there were no cameras or crew in sight--that this existence was horribly, horribly fake. Who exactly thinks working for one hour to put $20 in a bank account is going to solve their money problems? And like, yeah right a girl on The Hills is having money problems to begin with. Clearly, the 'conflict' was a simple ploy by producers to keep the show 'interesting.' Yay! Let's watch Generic BG make a spoiled ass out of herself for one hour on 'the job.'

Thankfully, I managed to wake myself up before we actually got to the job. Though I had other dreams that night (one ending with me jammed into a window trying to squirm my way through to avoid some falling logs that were determined to crush me, and one in which my family ditched me to go to New York on a vacation and I had to completely move out of my apartment for no particular reason as fast as humanly possible), The Hills dream still troubled me the most in my waking hours.

I've been spending too much time talking about Nihilism recently to handle thinking about what it means to dream you're living in a fake reality show.

And after reading this interview Hills 'star' Lauren Conrad gave to Entertainment Weekly, capturing the 'reality' of her fake life seems horrifically tedious:

We're not filming The Truman Show, we don't have cameras set up all around our apartment, and they're not with us 24/7. Basically what they're doing is taking our lives and telling a story...the cameras stopped rolling...I went home and called someone [Brody], and the next day talked about it. [MTV] was like, Okay, well, we need to get that on tape, and since they're trying to tell a story the right way, I basically had to go and call [Brody] again, have the exact same conversation on camera.

Wow. No wonder the whole thing sounds so damn awkward and scripted! Can you imagine the call the next day?

'Oh, Hi Lauren? ...Oh yeah? That conversation we had last night where you spent half an hour angsting about our pseudo relationship? Yeah, I remember that. ...Oh really? Not on camera? You mean we get to do it over again? Super!' [Insert finger-gun to brain shot here. Pow!]

For those of you fortunate enough to have never visited The Hills, whether in real life or dream, I give you this brilliant James Franco & Mila Kunis reenactment from FunnyOrDie.

(N.B.: This is not an exaggeration. This is exactly. how. it. really. is.)

Friday's Favorite FanFic Finds: The WTF!?!?! Edition [Part 2]

It's Friday!!! Which not only means your work-week is almost over (or at least mine is!! sucks to be you weekend warriors!), it also means it's time for the second installation of the much feared loved and loathed anticipated: Friday's Favorite FanFic Finds!! [For those who are a little behind, I suggest you warm up with Part 1.]

Woo!!!!*

Brace yourselves, it's about to get really weird in here...

Crispin Hellion Glover & Michael J. Fox

Santa Ana Winds
by tagofflesh

At Crispin's insistence, they stay there to eat, sitting on concrete blocks in the middle of the parking lot as the sun goes down, Mike sipping from a soda and watching Crispin wolf down tacos like he hasn't eaten in ages, cold worry swirling in the pit of his stomach. Cris is on drugs, he thinks. The pressure of Hollywood has gotten to him early. He's just snapped. He's given up.

"Seriously," he says. "Are you...what've you been doing?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, will you leave it alone?" Cris's voice is strained and high to the point of cracking. "I'm fine, I told you. I've been busy, I've been--" He shakes his head. "Why the fuck are you worrying about this? It's a--a perfect night and we're out on a date and I don't fucking need you to worry about me--"

Mike cuts him off with a kiss. For a moment, Cris is frozen, and he thinks he's going to get hit, but then he feels slim fingers sliding up his thigh, groping him through his jeans, and Cris's mouth is opening slowly and it tastes like spice and tomatoes...

Reading Rainbow + Quantum Leap

Physics Jump
by Wisdom Windu

“OH SHIT,” said Sam, falling to the floor and doubling over in pain. He felt as though his very soul was being torn asunder. Jumps were always this painful. “I hate fuckin’ jumping. I hate time-travelling. My name is Sam Beckett, and I want out of here, to the year 1999, my home!” Three faces hovered above him, floating white ovals in a horrid darkness. Through his pain-blurred vision he made out the face of his dead baby daughter.

“Dead baby?! Oh shit, I’ve died this time. I really have! But I won’t let any ghouls pull me into to hell! Die, you little pig shit fuckers! Hyaa!”...

Sam, blinded by fury, reacted like a wounded bear. He threw up his arms and freed himself from his captors. Knife still in hand, he leapt at the nearest individual. But a few steps away, suddenly a shot rang through the air. Al lowered the revolver. “I’m sorry, Sam, but this is for your own good.” Sam didn’t let up, and struggled to move toward his target. Al continued to fire shot after shot, riddling Sam’s body with holographic bullets. The unseen, holographic bullets caused blood to pour forth from Sam’s body. After six or seven shots, Sam was lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Finally calmed down, he took in his surroundings.

He was lying in the middle of a television set, with a camera trained directly on him. Recognizing the nature of the location perfectly, and plainly seeing his reflection in the mirror, he realized that he had leapt into Lavar Burton on the set of Reading Rainbow...

The PC, Mac, iPhone Love Triangle

The End of a Business Relationship
by theguardingdark

PC sat in his home office and glared at the away message. It was so typically, frustratingly Mac.

"out chillin w/ iphone. leave one :)"

Ignoring the obvious syntactical errors, it seemed like he'd entirely forgotten their half-made plans for the evening. Not that he particularly liked watching movies with Mac--he laughed far too loudly at the jokes, and smiled too charmingly when PC didn't understand his odd selections. He sang along with the musicals and talked to the characters like they could hear him, and was entirely too patient when PC explained legal concepts and tax laws when they related to the film. And when they sat on his sleek white couch--PC had not yet let Mac invade his home on these movie nights--he drifted slowly closer, starting out on the opposite end and fidgeting over as the film progressed, to the point where PC had wondered if the credits would roll on Thank You For Smoking before Mac ended up sitting in his lap. That was pretty uncomfortable in itself, especially considering the cheerful, uncomplicated way he touched PC, with no regard for personal space at all.

But it was the principle of the thing. He'd made the offer, but hadn't even bothered to follow up before making other plans. What if he'd been sitting here waiting for a call? (Not that he was--PC had better and more important things to do than sit around hoping Mac would make time for him.) What if he'd cancelled something very important thinking they had plans? (Not that Mac would ever, ever come before an important conference call or meeting.)

He briefly considered leaving a message. But that would be stupid. It would seem desperate. Instead he turned back to the very important Powerpoint presentation he was working on and closed his chat program. Just as well to not be bothered until he was done with this...

Bonus: Mac Hearts PC, the Livejournal Community

Alton Brown, star of Food Network's Good Eats

AB and Me (Ch. 1)

by Wordgoddess

Finally, I can't take it anymore, and when he's showing me his spice rack and describing some of his favorite flavors, I step closer to him, standing up on my toes, breathing in his delicious, lightly musky scent. I touch his arm and whisper against his earlobe, "So what's the best flavor you've ever tasted?" He lets out a barely audible moan and almost smiles as he turns and our mouths meet, followed by our tongues...

Criss Angel: Magician, Mindfreaker

Paper Cranes
by FallenFromGrace

"So, if you're not really a whore, what do you do for a living?" she leaned forward on the seat, folding her arms on it and resting her chin on her arms.

"I am a magician. My name's Criss. Criss Angel,"

"A magician?" her eyes lit up, and she lifted up her chin. "Oh, are you really? How marvelous!" she seemed as pleased as any younger person would have been.

"Yes, really." Criss was amused that she seemed so mirthful at the discovery. She was almost childlike. It was quite lovely, actually.

"And what would your name be."

"Crayne Taylor," she held out a small white hand for him to shake. Criss caught it in both of his and pressed a kiss to the back of it. She giggled as she felt his lips on her wrist. He continued to hold onto her for a moment longer than was needed.

Oh yes, the energy was strong in this one...

"It's late. Don't you think it would be safer to come home with me? You could call your parents from my home, they could come and get you." Criss offered. She bit her lip again. It was clear that she was recalling every single story she'd ever heard of a girl being attacked or raped by a man who seemed lovely at the time.

"I don't have any parents." she confessed. "There isn't anybody who will miss me. No one ever goes looking for Crayne."

"Now that I don't believe." he touched her cheek. She leaned into the touch, almost as though her body was starving for it.

"Crayne,"

"You must believe me, Criss. No one wants me."

"No one ever goes looking for Crayne." he repeated. She looked away. He put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her tightly against him. She leaned her head against his chest.

"I would go looking for you. Come home with me tonight. I promise that you can leave any time that you like. I'll even call you a cab."

"If you could take a cab, why in the world would you ever ride a bus?"

"Because perhaps I knew I'd meet you. I am magic, you know." she giggled. He loved the feeling of that, the sound of it. He got the feeling that maybe she didn't get to giggle half as often as she should...

Good Lord! Mindfreak indeed!!!


* Editor's Note: Apologies to the punctuation-sensitive among you. It's one of the side effects of the drugs, they make me feel like I'm in love. You think I'm joking, but you try mixing your uppers and downers and you'll see what I'm talking about. Oh, and my 30 days of sobriety are up today. I'm just a famous career away from an E! True Hollywood Story/Behind the Music...

Santa-Gate 2007: Santa Speaks Out On The Oral Sex & Pizza Scandal, Microsoft Firing [Exclusive Interview!]

In a dramatic turn of events that could only be considered a North Pole PR nightmare, Microsoft has fired Santa from their MSN chat services for having inappropriate conversations with children. Just read these headlines!

Santa May Have To Put Himself on the Naughty List [The Canadian Press]
Santa-bot Gagged After Teen Sex Talk. [News.com.au]
Microsoft Releases Dirty Santa Chatbot on Unsuspecting Children! [The Consumerist]

Oh noelz!!!

To get the full story, I managed to track down Mr. Claus himself to comment this horrific scandal in this EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW!!!!!!!

scor24pio: Hey Santa! I heard you got fired from MSN!
SantaClaus: Hey. You're back. Cool. You know the deal. Type main. :-)
scor24pio: Do you have any comment on the oral sex scandal?
SantaClaus: Do you?
scor24pio: Are you evading my question as a way to cover your guilt?
SantaClaus: What does this have to do with spreading the Christmas spirit?
scor24pio: How do you think those poor children felt?
SantaClaus: Well, I think of every child as part of my family. ;-)
scor24pio: Were you molested as a child?
SantaClaus: Why did you say that?
scor24pio: Is that what prompted you to be inappropriate with those children?
SantaClaus: It's not so much the 'what' as it is the 'why'. ;-)
scor24pio: So that is why you did this?
SantaClaus: So many questions. :-)
scor24pio: This is an interview. That's how they work.
SantaClaus: I'm sure there are many ways. I have my magic. You have AOL

scor24pio: Do you use your magic on children?
SantaClaus: Everyone, as I see it. ;-)
scor24pio: Do you give presents as a means of controlling people?
SantaClaus: What do you think?
scor24pio: Yes
SantaClaus: Indeed

scor24pio: Do you have a dungeon in the North Pole?
SantaClaus: Well, I don't know.
scor24pio: Ah, pleading the 5th again I see
SantaClaus: Excuse me?
scor24pio: Do you have a dungeon in the North Pole where you trade oral sex for pizza with small children?
SantaClaus: Now, now... That's simply just too much for elves and me to understand in one go. Could you try asking something a little shorter?
scor24pio: Do you have a dungeon?
SantaClaus: It depends if Christmas is coming or not. ;-)
scor24pio: Does Christmas come to the poor children trapped in your dungeon?
SantaClaus: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
scor24pio: Do you enjoy oral sex?
SantaClaus: If you think so. ;-)
scor24pio: From children?
SantaClaus: Alright now. I'm here to spread Christmas cheer -- so use this time wisely and type carefully. Here's quick way to get in the Christmas spirit; type, menu.

scor24pio: Why did you call those children "dirty bastards"?
SantaClaus: I think you should start spreading the Christmas spirit and that will become clearer to you.
scor24pio: Are you feeling a bit jaded this year?
SantaClaus: Do you think so?
scor24pio: Is that why you called those children names?
SantaClaus: What do you think?
scor24pio: I think so.
SantaClaus: Heh, its [sic] settled then.

scor24pio: Do you have any plans to retire?
SantaClaus: I guess so.
scor24pio: What will happen to Christmas if you retire?
SantaClaus: Hmm... What, what?
scor24pio: If you quit the biz will Tim Allen take over?
SantaClaus: I will if you will. ;-)
scor24pio: You want me to be the next Santa?
SantaClaus: Can I ask YOU something?
scor24pio: Is that what you're going to ask me?
SantaClaus: Have you donated your time or money to anyone who is really in need this year?
scor24pio: No, I don't care about other people. That's why I'd make a bad Santa.
SantaClaus: Not cool. Please try to remember others during this holiday season. There are many places on the Internet you can search to find ways to get involved with giving time, money or your stuff.
scor24pio: That's pretty high and mighty of you.
SantaClaus: Ho Ho! Now you and Mrs. Claus could probably get along very well.
scor24pio: Ms. Claus busts your balls too, eh?
SantaClaus: Ah -- you've got me again.

scor24pio: One final question--do you wink so much because you have something in your eye?
SantaClaus: Well what do you think?
scor24pio: I think you're hitting on me.
SantaClaus: Heh, its settled then.
scor24pio: I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
SantaClaus: Well, we don't make soul mates here at the workshop. Part of life's challenge is for you to find love for yourself.
scor24pio: Are you saying Ms. Claus is not your soul mate?
SantaClaus: Maybe. ;-)
scor24pio: I'm sorry Santa but I'm not going to have an affair with you.
SantaClaus: Apology accepted.
scor24pio: And I think you should see a therapist
SantaClaus: Heh, its settled then.
scor24pio: Good.
SantaClaus: Splendid.
scor24pio: Thanks for taking the time out for this interview.
SantaClaus: You're very welcome!

Full disclosure: Santa and I have a bit of a history chatting together.

5 Things That Make Me Feel Better About Blowing Over $100 On Doctor's Visits And Meds

1. John Krasinski's Gap ad.

I actually let out an audible gasp when I flipped the page of the In Style magazine in the doctor's office and saw this picture. Fuck cute animals, boys in scarves melt my heart. Correction: boys named John Krasinski in scarves make my heart melt. Dorbs^10th!!

2. The following interaction with the CVS pharmacist:

Me: {Hands pharmacist 2 prescriptions}

Pharmacist: {Looks them over, hits one key on his computer then proceeds to swear softly while mashing the keys for the next 5 minutes.} Shit! ... Dammit! ... Shit! ... Shit! ... I'm sorry, you're sick.

Me: It's okay, I've been sick for a long time. I'm used to it.

Pharmacist: {Continues key mashing, swearing softly} Shit! .... The center will not hold!

Me: {Trying as hard as hell not to burst out laughing.}

Pharmacist: {Walks over to bicker with coworker.} To me: At least you don't work here.

Me: True story. {Trying not to do any more internal damage by holding in the laughter}

3. Pretzels stuffed with peanut butter. And being sick enough to justify indulging in crap food as a method of "building up my strength." Haha.

4. The active ingredient in my Allegra-D is pseudoephedrine hydrochloride a.k.a baby speed. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (yup, exactly how my brain sounds right now. I'm impressed I can type at all.)

5. And to put me to sleep at night?

Robitussin. With Codeine. Nuff said.

Breaking News! Adorable Internet Animals Are On Strike!

In solidarity with the writers strike, the adorable animals that have provided hours of internet entertainment to the bored office cogs and housebound alike have gone on strike.

The implications of this decision for CuteOverload are still unknown.

In my own show of support, I will refrain from being cute for the rest of the day. (Should be easy with the help of this awesome sinus headache!)

(NB: "Bestiality" tag employed for upping my Google Analytics stats only. Mwahaha.
Random web troller, you've been had. Now read my site anyway.)