The Bonnaroo Schedule Is Up! [What I'm Seeing: Thursday Edition]

The Bonnaroo schedule is up! And I just got my ticket in the mail.

Time to get excited.

With nearly a bajillion bands playing (that's a scientific estimate) it's going to tricky picking what shows to check out.

So this is where I need your help DivMoians: I'll post my picks for each of the days and you check the schedule and let me know if I'm missing some hidden gem/my taste in music is crap.

Let's start with Thursday. (This all assumes, of course, that I don't get stuck in a 5 hour+ line to get in that prevents me seeing some of these early bands.)

Superdrag

Remember this gem? Who sucked out the feeeeeeeeeling?????



MGMT

You might recognize this track; I'm not too familiar with this band, but I definitely recognize that this song's been used as the background for some tv show or commercial or something:



Battles

Another band I've heard good buzz about but am not too familiar with.



The Sword

Because I need more fantasy metal in my life.



Vampire Weekend

I mean really what kind of blogger would I be if I didn't weigh in with my Vampire Weekend opinion like every other blogger in the 'sphere? Personally, I think they sound like lazy Paul Simon. But I do enjoy oxford commas, so not sure where that leaves us. Probably at a solid "meh."



Once I get tired of the cutesiness, I'm headed straight over to Lez Zeppelin to rock.

Look Ma! I'm On The YouTubes [Riding The Self-Promotional Wave]

A few months back a little sketch I wrote about the glories of made-for-tv-movies called "The Tiffani Martin Story" was committed to film by Downcellar Productions. It debuted at Improv Boston last Friday as part of their new film division and has now proudly found its way onto the internet. (The true home for all pervy and offensive things!)

YAYY!! Enjoy!



I would be totally remiss in my entertainment-providing duties if I did not also highlight the other hilarious commercial-parody sketches that came out of that day of shooting.

Hurley Brothers Home Furnishing



Connections: Daniel Plainview



Morelli Brothers Home Furnishing



And my personal favorite, Regal Osprey Blended Scotch Whiskey

It's DivMo's Birthday, Uh! Happy Birthday, Uh! And They Said It Wouldn't Last! [OK, They Didn't, But I Couldn't Resist The Michael Jackson Reference]

That's right, exactly 1 year ago today, Diverted Motion was born! Who knew the internet would even exist a year later, let alone that I would still be writing on it!? (In it? Ew.)

But here we are friends. And oh, what a year it's been! Who's surprised my top posts for the year are comprised of phallic weathermen, a lesson in making fake-ids, social network suicide, and lesbian Golden Girls? Or that my top 3 traffic-generating search terms are "lezby," "Jonas Brothers suck," and "how to make a fake id"? DivMo was founded on the principle of catering to sexual, musical, and legal deviants, so I consider these traffic findings a sign of a job well (deviantly)-done!

And to celebrate our 1st year together, I brought cake!

And 2 dogs fighting over a pinata!

And a Birthday Faery from the same Angelfire gif factory where FiHo was born.


And because no DivMo post could be complete without a really crappy YouTube video, here is the most pixeltastic tribute to birth I could find (and it only took me a two second-search! Thanks YouTube.)



You think DivMo's naughty now, wait 'til we hit the terrible twos!

The Office Spinoff! [Can Stanley's Pimp Ways And Connection To The Muffin Man Save Him From Dwight's Blood Feud?]

If Perez Hilton and his peen-dribbling, MS-Painty ways can be trusted, The Office is getting a spinoff!!

And a quick Google search confirms it: a backdoor pilot is in the works! (Wow, that sounds sketchy! And for once, I didn't even make it up!)

So, what will the show be about?

My fellow Office-lovah, Jeremy and I speculate:

me: word on the street: there will be a spinoff of the office
jeremy: so i heard!
me: who do you think is in it?
jeremy: i'm in it with stanley
me: fuck yeah
jeremy: we lose our jobs and end up moving in together and the series is about our hijinks trying to make ends meet
me: stanley becomes a pimp and a russian prostitute moves in
jeremy: in ep 3 yea
me: who turns out to be german and dwight's 7th cousin, so dwight makes cameos
jeremy: and he beats her to death. yea, we already shot that ep
me: and then dwight has to avenge his cousin so you and stanley go on the run
jeremy: yup and we run into cabo where we meet up with michael and george michael bluth
me: and hide in the attic but then the house gets fumigated and you and stanley go on an acid trip through a piece of swiss cheese and you meet the muffin man
jeremy: haha i can't believe all this leaked

Will Jeremy and Stanley be able to buy the Muffin Man off with a fistful of Stanley Nickels?

Tune in to find out!!!!

Because You're Never Too Old For Your Daddy To Buy You A Pony [Oh, My! Little Pony]

Here's a little music from Ginuwine to get you in the mood for this post (and for a few other things, I'm sure)...

In honor of My Little Pony's 25th birthday and to congratulate me on my new job--because nothing says, "Congrats on your big-girl promotion" quite like a pink plastic pony to call my own--my father mailed me a My Little Pony Decorating Star Catcher pony!

I immediately decided my My Little Pony was a transvestite pony and I named her Lady, accordingly. I love her very much. And here is pictorial proof:

If the look in my eyes doesn't say, "I'm going to love you and take care of you forever," it's probably saying "I'm nothing but trouble and I'm going to do very bad things to you for my own amusement." I often get those sentiments confused. Woe be the man crazy enough to take on the challenge of being loved by me...

But back to Lady! She's not just your average My Little Pony... Lady's got magical heat-sensitive color changing powers!! Just check out this awesome description:

STAR CATCHER pony is the coolest way to make a pony your own! Special ice pens let you stamp or draw to reveal colors on STAR CATCHER pony’s body! Fill the ice pens with water and freeze. When frozen, apply the ice pens to the pony to reveal her colors! Use your warm fingers or a warm washcloth (not included) to turn the pony white again! Decorate her any way you want, as many times as you like.

I was thrilled to try out Lady's awesome color changing properties. But I was too impatient/didn't actually read the info on the box until doing "research" for this post, and did not fully freeze the "ice pens."

And since non-frozen ice is water and water drips on plastic, well...

My little Lady looked like a Pony Land Carrie reenactment:

So much blood! Blooooooooooooooooooooooooood!

The only way to rehabilitate Lady was to put her in the freezer to regulate her temperature!

I gave her a couple nips of the giant bottle of Jagger and tucked her in with the apple pie and frozen squash.

After a few minutes... Lady was magically transformed into a Pink Lady! (Ha...ha ha)

She loves being pink! Just look at her sass the camera!

Lady inspired me to want to take up some My Little Pony modeling myself!


If this picture doesn't scream "I'm fabulous!", it's probably screaming "I'm high on opium!":

More like high on my love for My Little Pony!

Eating White Castle Burgers May Make You A Terrorist [Harold and Kumar Return!]

Harold and Kumar are back!

And people mistake them for terrorists (because duh, pot heads are terrorists)! And they go to Guantanamo Bay! And escape! And Neil Patrick Harris will be there!

You'd think I'm joking, but we here at DivMo take pot humor very seriously. (*We* also morph from singular to plural mid-sentence to make ourselves more official sounding!)

Just check out the trailer for Harold & Kumar II: Escape from Guantanamo Bay a.ka., Exhibit A:

My only question: Why is President Bush's face melting?

And what does it say that Will Ferrell was probably too good to be their Bush?

Whatevs, I'm totes going to see this when it comes out. Lord knows I love me some good sequel.

The Timer In My Bio-Virtual Clock Just Went 'Ding!' [My Trip To The Magical Creature Adoption Agency]

Now that DivMo has been going strong with the internet for two months shy of a year, I think it's time to take the relationship to the next level. It's time to add a little magic to this happyfuzzybunny lovefest of a blog we have here.

And when it comes to the life-changing decision to build a virtual family, there is only place to go: Angel's Chimera Dreams.

I was a little timid at first to enter the site as I hadn't visited an angelfire-hosted website since the 90s, but once inside, I was overwhelmed by the amazing selection of Faeries, Mermaids, Angels, Goddesses, Unicorns, and Pixies I could choose from!

It was very hard for me to decide what to adopt! There was such a wide selection of goddesses including The Goth Goddess and The Goddess of Purple (I didn't even know there were goddesses of colors! How ignorant am, I?!)

Angel also offers a bountiful selection of Faeries (Dragon Faeries, Birthstone Faeries, Step Dancing Faeries, and a Faery Wedding!) and then there are the Faerie Accessories! Angel even advises on how you can best trick out your faery: "Maybe she'd like a lyre to make pretty music"; "She'll need some Flower Goblets with sweet nectar. That's what faeries live on!"; "How about a Floral Valance for her wall? Here's [sic] a few to choose from."

All of these were wonderful options, but I was hoping for a little more bang for my virtual adoptive buck. Perhaps a halfsy magical creature was in order, something like a Centaur but like, even more magical...

If only I could get all of the charm of a pony with the flash and sparkle of a mermaid...

And then I saw it, a link to adopt a Hippocampus. But, ah... Isn't the hippocampus a part of the brain? Why yes, it is a part of the brain. A part of the brain named after a creature with the charm of a pony and the flash and sparkle of a mermaid!!!

Meet the newest addition to the DivMo family: Prince Sparkly FishHorse (FiHo for short)!!!


Awww! Isn't he freakin dorbs!? FiHo even comes with his own official adoption papers:

Angel's adoption policies are nothing to sneeze at. And since I don't want to pull an Ellen and get my sweet little hippocampus revoked and placed on a more obedient blog, I am not only publishing the required certificate crediting her as the creator of little FiHo, but I'm also posting the link back to her site, so you all can go start virtual families of your own!

I can only hope you're half as happy as our little bloggy family is to have FiHo!

A Picture Is Worth More Than A Thousand @!!!!@OMGYAYZAH!!!s

Our faces say it all. It was a fanfuckingtastic Christmas in Bearadise.

Photo taken day after Christmas. Helen, Georgia is where Santa goes to vacation too.

5 Things That Make Me Feel Better About Blowing Over $100 On Doctor's Visits And Meds

1. John Krasinski's Gap ad.

I actually let out an audible gasp when I flipped the page of the In Style magazine in the doctor's office and saw this picture. Fuck cute animals, boys in scarves melt my heart. Correction: boys named John Krasinski in scarves make my heart melt. Dorbs^10th!!

2. The following interaction with the CVS pharmacist:

Me: {Hands pharmacist 2 prescriptions}

Pharmacist: {Looks them over, hits one key on his computer then proceeds to swear softly while mashing the keys for the next 5 minutes.} Shit! ... Dammit! ... Shit! ... Shit! ... I'm sorry, you're sick.

Me: It's okay, I've been sick for a long time. I'm used to it.

Pharmacist: {Continues key mashing, swearing softly} Shit! .... The center will not hold!

Me: {Trying as hard as hell not to burst out laughing.}

Pharmacist: {Walks over to bicker with coworker.} To me: At least you don't work here.

Me: True story. {Trying not to do any more internal damage by holding in the laughter}

3. Pretzels stuffed with peanut butter. And being sick enough to justify indulging in crap food as a method of "building up my strength." Haha.

4. The active ingredient in my Allegra-D is pseudoephedrine hydrochloride a.k.a baby speed. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (yup, exactly how my brain sounds right now. I'm impressed I can type at all.)

5. And to put me to sleep at night?

Robitussin. With Codeine. Nuff said.

Sufjan! Tonight!

Sufjan! Tonight! I'm pumped!

Review (OK, let's be honest: gushfest) forthcoming.

Happy Slutoween! The One Week Where More Fun Happens Off The Internet Than On!

I'm not dead. I've just been drinking.

A lot has happened this week: Ellsbury won us free tacos, I got in touch with my inner emo carebear for our annual Halloween extravaganza, the Red Sox won the World Series, the city of Boston went crazy for their victory rally yesterday (and my lunch break thankfully extended long enough for me to see it); Oh, and I'm going to the prom tonight. Dressed as Cleopatra.

God, I love October. (Rocktober, Soxtober, The Only Month Cool Enough to Get Spin-off Namestober)

And today is Halloween!

In it's its honor (ed: I told you I've been drinking), I give you my favorite Halloween-related links of the day:

BWE’s Top 10 Most Humiliating Pet Costumes (Judging By The Expressions of the Pet Models)

(my personal favorite)


And from my favorite advice columnist:

Since You Asked, Carry Tennis:

My girlfriend's daughter is dressing like a stripper for Halloween! I'm disturbed to see this 16-year-old girl pretending to be a slut!

Dear Concerned,
Dude, it's Halloween.
People wear costumes. It's pretend. It's I Think That's My Boss in the Bustier and Garters Ween. It's Hallo Hookers and Sluts Live in the Hearts of All Righteous and True Women Ween...

Bonus Links!
10 Halloween Costumes That Are Just Sick and Wrong [The MishMash]

Mommy, Can I Be A Whore-From-Hell For Halloween? [Jezebel]

Worst Halloween Costumes of All Time [Retrocrush]

(Pictures of the BoSox Rally and Halloween mayhem to come!)

Yay! I Was Born! Yay! Yay! Yay! Hearts!

In honor of today being my Golden Birthday (24 on the 24th baby!), I now present you with the most awesome "Bailey Birthday" related videos on YouTube:

This high school awkward Bailey not only loves her Korean boy band DBSK, but she knows how to work that lollipop (a trait all Baileys possess, particularly the dog Baileys)



Bailey Unwrapping Presents



"Baileys Birthday" Silent Chicken Dance!



*Squee!!!!* Chaos with the 6 year olds at Bailey's B-day Party!



Bailey Eats a Cupcake



"Happy Birthday Bailey" Sweet 16 Silent Rock Out:



The Emily & Emily Show (Part 5) at Bailey's Birthday Party--Jessica Simpson never sounded so good



Bailey Downs A Dirty Pint



A Birthday Message to Bailey From Cove (Duuuuuuuude!)



And because I always get totally emo the day before my birthday (and apparently so does this Bailey), I present to you:

"Happy Ass Day"

this is pretty much a video of self destruct.
Nothings sadder then remanising on the past.

[If you're only going to watch one of these videos, this is the one to watch.]




Bonus (Minus?) NSFW/traumatizing Bailey Birthday related footage: Matthew baileys birthday stripper part two

Because One Blog Isn't Enough, I Now Present: Doodles From A Meeting

Momma's got a brand-new blog!

Doodles From A Meeting

After going through several sheets of paper ah, "taking notes" during a never-ending lunch meeting, inspiration struck:

If blogging is the best way to entertain yourself while stuck in the office and doodling is the best way to entertain yourself when stuck in a meeting, then blogging about doodling has to be the most entertaining thing you could do (while still being completely bored)!!!

It's brilliant; I know.

And it will be more brilliant when you start submitting your doodles and make all your friends submit theirs as well.

Because you know what a blog full of my doodles is going to start looking like:

Your Awesome- Yay/Nay of the Day: Electronic Bubblewrap and 30 Seconds to Vomit

Welcome to a new segment of DivMo I'm calling "Your Awesome Yay/Nay of the Day," because everything good has a little bad in it and everything bad has a little good. Didn't you learn that after you got sent to the principle's office for doodling yin yangs on your notebook? Or was that just my fundamentalist Christian elementary school experience? Ah, anyway--

For those of you who don't have the luxury of being hooked up to a RSS-information drip all day long, I now give you the best and worst of what the internets is tangled up in today.

The Awesome-Yay of the Day:
File this under impossibly unnecessary things I must own right away:

Boing Boing brings us this story of the best toy ever: electronic bubble wrap!

Japanese toymaker Bandai's Mugen Puchi-Puchi is a handheld electronic gizmo that makes the sound of popping bubblewrap when you press on the plastic bubbles.

Not only does this little gizmo give you unlimited poptasmic pleasure, but every 100th push lets out a lady's moan or a fart noise--which sounds occurs is determined by a sophisticated pressure analysis based on the form of release the popper is in greater need of. Okay, so I made that last part up, the sounds happen at random. But maybe in the 2.0 version...

Speaking of fart noises...
The Awesome-Nay of the Day:

30 Seconds to Mars cover Kanye's new single "Stronger." Nothing like taking a cocky hip-hop track and turning it into a plaintive, pseudo-emo ballad. Though there is something pretty awesome about hearing Jared Leto sing about "doing anything for a Klondike" with sincerity more sweetly oozing than the melting ice cream bar in question.

Watch Kanye do it better on the Jimmy Kimmel Show and then head over to I Guess I'm Floating to hear the 30 Seconds to Vomit Cover. And don't say I didn't warn ya.

The New Pam: Now 30% More Unpredictable! (And Other Reasons I'm Geeking Out About The New Season Of The Office)

This promo for the new season of The Office has got me twirling my hair with school-girl-level abandon at the thought of my favorite show returning to the airwaves.



A 30% more unpredictable Pam!

Ryan rocking the George Michael look!!

The first four episodes are one hour long!!!!!!!

I don't think I've ever been more excited to hear Dwight declare: "Summer's over. Time to get back to work."

R. Kelly and His Beretta Get Back in the Closet

DivMo-ians, this is the moment you've I've been waiting for! R. Kelly's released a sneak peek at Chapters 13-22 of his glorious hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet!!!


Old people! A diner! A club scene! R. Kelly waving a gun! A midget in a cowboy hat and a red boa! R. Kelly waving a gun again! A helicopter chasing a car! Guns pointing at R. Kelly! Pimps in church! Kelly meeting with a mysterious smoking woman! Oh, shit!

I can only imagine the brilliant "rhyming" that will come out of this one. Here's a little sample I whipped up based on the 30-second montage alone:

The old man walked into the diner and order the blue plate special

When the young waitress came by and said, "Morning, Sir, how can I help ya?"

After he finished his eggs, he went to the club

Where he found R. Kelly looking for love

But homie don't give loving to older guys

R. Kelly said, "Man you better recognize...

I'm not here to be gay

So you better just get away!"

And then R. Kelly pulled out his gun

And said, "Motherfucker, you better run!"

But then from behind his back, R. Kelly heard a sound

So he said, "What's that sound? I'm turning around!"

And who did he see before him but a tiny cowboy midget

The same one who knocked up the cop's wife named Bridget!

Oh! Oooooh! No!

So he pulled his beretta

And said,"Man, I didn't forget you!"

Then the midget dropped down on the floor

And cried, "R. Kelly, please!

I've got bad asthma and you're making me wheeze!"

Then a shot rang out with a deafening pop!

And someone shouted out, "Look out it's the cops!"

As the midget fell to the floor, Kelly yelled, "Oh no! I shot ya!"

And the next thing he knew, he was on run from a 'copter!"

So he ran to church for sanctuary--but he ain't no wimp!

Even the Holiest of Holy knows R. Kelly's a pimp!

UPDATE: If you appetite for teasers has not been satisfied, the folks over at Best Week Ever got their hands on an advance copy of Chapters 13-22.

Oh, and for those of you interested in legal matters, apparently Kelly's finally facing trial for that whole child pornography thing.

Your Daily Diversion: Or Why I <3 The Internets

From the Filipino prison that brought you the much-forwarded Thriller (a must-click if you haven't seen it), I now present you their dramatic recreation of Sister Act:



All I can say is amazing. Who wants to try to get busted smuggling drugs into the Philippines with me? I bet we could do a pretty hot rendition of A Chorus Line.

Because I--and The Hoff--Love You

Here, my friends, is the most important link you'll click on today:

The I *Heart* The Hoff Super Fantastic Activity Fun Book


I can't imagine a better use of the company printer than having these 12 pages for your very own. My personal favorite page (though they're all gems): The one where you get to poke his eyes out.

If your office has a laminator, you might want to spring for the pretty sweet "Don't Hassel The Hoff" doorknob hanger on Page 9. I bet The Hoff would look mighty sweet tacked up to the outside of your cubicle wall.

Hat tip to Ms. Liz Welsh for forwarding this one along. :-)

Toooooomorrow, Tomorrow, I Can't Wait Til Tomorrow... (damn, that song will be in my head all day now)

It is, as it always is the day before I go on vacation: The Shitteth Hitteth the Fan Day (a.k.a. Bailey's day of pre-paying for her vacation relaxation in stress.)

Below is my last year's South Park depiction of me at Bonnaroo (that is Bonnaroo mud on my face! not poo!). Remember when you spent hours making South Park versions of all your friends? Or was that just me?


Well this year--you lucky dogs!--I am bringing my digital camera and will be able to reward you with real photos upon my return to the blogosphere on Monday.

Until then, I'll be running around cavorting with hippies, getting in trouble with my mom (she will be helping with the creation of trouble, not the punishment of it, since she's going to be my "sister" this time around), oh and seeing some awesome bands too--and probably getting totally burnt.

It will be awesome.

Have a good 4 days folks. Don't miss me too hard.

Bonnaroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Just one more day of work and I'm off to the 'ROOOOOOO!

Here is my planned itinerary over those 4 glorious days. Shows I'm planning on attending are (very artistically) circled in red, though really I'm planning on going wherever the adventure takes me, so who knows. If you're a fan of a band I have neglected to circle, please educate me in the comments.

Thursday:


Friday:

Saturday: The greatest tragedy of Saturday is that The Flaming Lips and Girl Talk are playing overlapping sets (!!!). The plan of the moment is to see the Lips open up, run over to Girl Talk and dance my face off, then run back for the last hour and a half of the Lips.


Sunday: (Can you tell that I'm more than a little excited to see The White Stripes?)


If you're interested in hearing Icky Thump before you can buy it (which you should be), head on over to MTV.com to check out their live streaming of the album. (Who knew MTV still had something to do with music?)

In other music "news": that heckler that got beat up at last night's Fall Out Boy show totally had it coming. Who's emo now, bitch?