Creepy Baby Video Will Make You Cry... uh... Like A Baby

Check out what's bouncing around the internets today yesterday (okay okay I've been a lazy blogger):

It's totally fucking creepy baby dolls! Called "Reborn Dolls" most likely because they most closely resemble back-from-the-dead zombies, these miniature wonders take hours and hours to make, cost hundreds of dollars, and will give you nightmares for months.

The song choice of the video alone is worth its weight in gold, if gold was the most terrifying substance on earth that made you feel really really uncomfortable every time it was around. And just when you think it's finally over, it pauses, restarts, and plays again.



Normal responses to watching this include: "10:52 of your life that you can't get back" and "these false children are making me furious like saw them in half furious. hi baby you want to get KARATE CHOPPED."

And then there is my response: Taking screen shots of all the most horrifically deformed "beautiful babies" and turning it into a zombie baby collage, complete with my own MS Paint annotation.

Click on the picture to see it in its full glory. Perfectly suitable* for printing and hanging up in your office!!!



*If you want your coworkers to think you're the next bus hacker.

Most Disturbingly Amazing Way to Spend Your Friday Afternoon [Let's Make Babies!]

There are no words to describe how excited I am about MakeMeBabies.com.

There are hours and hours and hours and hours of distressing amusement at your fingertips people!

Have you ever wondered what your baby would look like if you mated with yourself? What about the mating of an Emo Carebear and a Cross-Dressing Circus Man?

Make Me Babies can show you EXACTLY what that improbable union would look like!

Take Mommy Bear:

And add Circus Daddy:

And you get....

Could that be?! Is it actually...

Lesbian Lindsey Lohan lover Samantha Ronson?!?!!!

Seriously! The hair, those eyes, that nose! If I ever manage to impregnate myself with myself, I'll be able to create a lesbian gossip-mag juggernaut!

Needing relief from that terrifying discovery, I decided to have a baby with Paul Rudd:

Um, since when did babies come out with full heads of braided hair and looking at least 4 years old?! Friends voted Baby Awesomeous "smarmy and a bit condescending" with "creepily small features." But like wouldn't you be a bit condescending too if you had the most awesome parents in the world?

Feeling a bit rejected by my attempt to procreate attractively with Paul Rudd, I lowered my standards and popped one out for Teen Wolf:

Wolf Baby was voted "a smooth and pretty baby" but "the right eye is a little... suspicious." I mean come on guys, you can't expect perfection with an inter-species baby! No matter how smooth it comes out.

It was time to make one final try of it.

There was no one left to turn to except the villain of my new favorite movie (seriously guys, I saw The Dark Knight last night and it's even better than the hype, especially when you're sitting in IMAX vibrating chairs... and you wonder how I got pregnant?!): The Joker.

With little left to hope for, I pushed "Proceed" with all my might...

And the verdict.....?!

"um... that child is adorable... which is scary"

Who knew my dream genetic match would be a psychotic fictional character!? And here I've been wasting my time trying to find real (non-crazy) guys to date when all this time I should have been looking for fantasy homicidal maniacs!

Thanks MakeMeBabies.com!

Oh Yeah, That's Right: I'm Posting a Video of Pandas Riding Down a Slide [Cute Overload Better Watch Its Back]

Because its faux-Friday (at least for me as I'm taking tomorrow off--NYC here I come!)...

And because I'm sniffly (and still trying to pretend it's "allergies") and this makes me happy.



If this does not make you happy, you have no soul.*

*Interesting factoid: when you Google Image Search "no soul" this is what you get. <--NSFW if you work in a Borat-unfriendly environment.

And The Award For Most Appropriate Use of the Internet Goes To...[The Envelope Please]

I have been to many many webpages: Stuff on My Cat, Fat Chicks in Party Hats, Stuff on Christopher Walken, White Chicks and Gang Signs...

All are examples of appropriate uses of the internet, but they pale in comparison to my newest find:

Manbabies.com

If there was ever a more perfect use of Photoshop, I haven't seen it.

Bravo, Manbabies.com, bravo!

It's DivMo's Birthday, Uh! Happy Birthday, Uh! And They Said It Wouldn't Last! [OK, They Didn't, But I Couldn't Resist The Michael Jackson Reference]

That's right, exactly 1 year ago today, Diverted Motion was born! Who knew the internet would even exist a year later, let alone that I would still be writing on it!? (In it? Ew.)

But here we are friends. And oh, what a year it's been! Who's surprised my top posts for the year are comprised of phallic weathermen, a lesson in making fake-ids, social network suicide, and lesbian Golden Girls? Or that my top 3 traffic-generating search terms are "lezby," "Jonas Brothers suck," and "how to make a fake id"? DivMo was founded on the principle of catering to sexual, musical, and legal deviants, so I consider these traffic findings a sign of a job well (deviantly)-done!

And to celebrate our 1st year together, I brought cake!

And 2 dogs fighting over a pinata!

And a Birthday Faery from the same Angelfire gif factory where FiHo was born.


And because no DivMo post could be complete without a really crappy YouTube video, here is the most pixeltastic tribute to birth I could find (and it only took me a two second-search! Thanks YouTube.)



You think DivMo's naughty now, wait 'til we hit the terrible twos!

The Timer In My Bio-Virtual Clock Just Went 'Ding!' [My Trip To The Magical Creature Adoption Agency]

Now that DivMo has been going strong with the internet for two months shy of a year, I think it's time to take the relationship to the next level. It's time to add a little magic to this happyfuzzybunny lovefest of a blog we have here.

And when it comes to the life-changing decision to build a virtual family, there is only place to go: Angel's Chimera Dreams.

I was a little timid at first to enter the site as I hadn't visited an angelfire-hosted website since the 90s, but once inside, I was overwhelmed by the amazing selection of Faeries, Mermaids, Angels, Goddesses, Unicorns, and Pixies I could choose from!

It was very hard for me to decide what to adopt! There was such a wide selection of goddesses including The Goth Goddess and The Goddess of Purple (I didn't even know there were goddesses of colors! How ignorant am, I?!)

Angel also offers a bountiful selection of Faeries (Dragon Faeries, Birthstone Faeries, Step Dancing Faeries, and a Faery Wedding!) and then there are the Faerie Accessories! Angel even advises on how you can best trick out your faery: "Maybe she'd like a lyre to make pretty music"; "She'll need some Flower Goblets with sweet nectar. That's what faeries live on!"; "How about a Floral Valance for her wall? Here's [sic] a few to choose from."

All of these were wonderful options, but I was hoping for a little more bang for my virtual adoptive buck. Perhaps a halfsy magical creature was in order, something like a Centaur but like, even more magical...

If only I could get all of the charm of a pony with the flash and sparkle of a mermaid...

And then I saw it, a link to adopt a Hippocampus. But, ah... Isn't the hippocampus a part of the brain? Why yes, it is a part of the brain. A part of the brain named after a creature with the charm of a pony and the flash and sparkle of a mermaid!!!

Meet the newest addition to the DivMo family: Prince Sparkly FishHorse (FiHo for short)!!!


Awww! Isn't he freakin dorbs!? FiHo even comes with his own official adoption papers:

Angel's adoption policies are nothing to sneeze at. And since I don't want to pull an Ellen and get my sweet little hippocampus revoked and placed on a more obedient blog, I am not only publishing the required certificate crediting her as the creator of little FiHo, but I'm also posting the link back to her site, so you all can go start virtual families of your own!

I can only hope you're half as happy as our little bloggy family is to have FiHo!

Why Give A Kid A Pony When They Can Just Ride Rover? [Three Days Later and I'm Still Laughing About Kids Riding Dogs]

For those of you out there who were thrilled by the informative Teaching a Kid to Ride a Dog website that I posted about last Friday, but thought "Man! That's a brilliant idea, but that could never happen in real life, right?" I have culled the depths of YouTube to bring you video proof (!) that kids can indeed ride dogs.

"Riding Rudy" (set to the soft musical stylings of "Forever Young")

"Justy and Jagger" (fluffy dog alert!)

"Madelyn Riding Dog" (this one is particularly nerve-wracking given the tininess of the baby)

"Girl Rides Dog" (not only is the dog in question a tiny dachshund, but the dad actually advises the baby to "Grab her by the ears!")

And the winner for the most oversized kid riding the most undersized dog while wearing 'super fly' early-90s gear and demonstrating both the clean and dirty connotations of the verb 'riding' goes to...

"Andrew Riding a Dog"

Hoax Device Discovered in Miley Cyrus' Womb!

Apparently the "evidence" that Miley Cyrus is pregnant, was "doctored."

Who would have thunk it?

Perhaps the confusion stemmed from a journalist mistaking the identities of the two people in the following photo. Because there's definitely some pregnancy going on here...

Thank God it's not the 14 year old girl for a change.

Whaaaaaaa? Billy Ray Cyrus's Achy Breaky Heart: Hannah Montana + Pregnant = WTF?!?

I'm not usually one to dabble in celeb-gossip, but this story is too insane to pass up.

Word on the 'nets is that 14 year-old Miley Cyrus, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus and star of the ubiquitous Hannah Montana--so I watch it at the gym, sue me--is pregnant.

Like, with a fetus. At 14.

And you know who is responsible for this pregnancy? Television. Miley went on 20/20 with her father and gave an interview about what a good head she has on her shoulders and how that is the secret to never becoming a trainwreck like Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.

The "I'm well-balanced despite Hollywood's pressures" interview is the kiss of death for young starlets. Just ask Vanessa Hudgens. I'm sure Miley's never even kissed a boy in her life. But the second you go on tv and say "I am not a trainwreck" Blammo! Baby city!

Because It's Friday...

...And I'm in a good mood. Here is a video clip of my husband Jon Stewart interviewing my other husband Paul Rudd. Hearts, sighs, stars.



I saw a pre-screening of his latest movie Knocked Up a month or so ago, and unless some major reediting happened between when I saw it and when it was popularly released, I'm sorry to say, as much as I love Judd Apatow et al, it really wasn't all that funny. Much like the unrated extended version of the 40-Year-Old Virgin, it is clear that Apatow benefits from a good editor (which Knocked Up apparently lacked). Also made me terrified to have babies, which at 23 is probably for the best.

Though seeing Paul Rudd in a crown at a child's birthday party opened my tentative womb right back up. (Ew, I just grossed myself out again. No babies!)

Most Intelligent Message Board Debate I've Seen All Day

Location: IMDB page for Sanjaya Malakar (I was researching a rumored reality show he's piloting...for the record)

Poster: Fireballag06
Subject: Sanjaya has a child

Yup that's right. He has a child!! He is a proud parent. It says so on his official myspace page. He's 17 and he has a child. I don't blame him for that. But what I do think is wierd is that he never mentioned it on the show. Kinda sketchy huh? All of you little girls still think the same of him??? God I'm so glad he's gone.
______________________
Poster: Rachel-may
Subject: RE:Sanjaya has a child

HOW.......CAN....YOU..BE..SO...*THINKING OF A WORD STRONGER THAN STUPID AND IDIOT*

PLZ....for the sake of your brain and ours tell me you are joking!
______________________

Poster: Amy723
Subject: RE:Sanjaya has a child

He could have been joking. People don't always tell the truth on their Myspace pages. He also said his income was $250,000! It may be close to that soon, but he made that page while he was still going to school. And if he does have a kid, it wouldn't change anything. After all, Lakisha has a kid. You're right about one thing, he never mentioned it. Meaning that it's probably not true.
______________________

Poster: VictoriaMalakar
Subject: RE:Sanjaya has a child

Exactly Amy,

I know many people who put fake ages on their myspace page. They'll have that they are 99 or 100. I don't know why people do that.

______________________

Poster: dmer-l
Subject: RE:Sanjaya has a child

How could he get a man pregnant?
______________________

Poster: blackraven030
Subject:RE:Sanjaya has a child

OMG LOL how can he get a man pregnant OMG LOL that is so funny! LOL i laughed for like 5 minutes and i started crying lol
______________________

And the blue ribbon for totally missing the point goes to...

Poster: kitkat-26
Subject: RE:Sanjaya has a child

Um? How can a man be pregant? Are you f ucking serious?!

Try- he knocked up a girl and she had a kid. Men are unable to be actually pregant. That's why I hate the saying "We're pregnant!" because the man does *not* have a baby growing in their body. God.

Feminists of the World, Take Note

It might be a little early for this, but I've repealed my caffeine ban (which lasted all of 2 days) and have been listening to Prince all morning (and an AMAZING cover of SexyBack by Rock Plaza Central) so I'm feeling up for writing about duck genitals this morning. That's right: duck genitals. They exist apparently (who knew!) but the interesting fact is not only that they exist, but how they've changed. According to the Cosmos Magazine article (with a fantastically punny title), "Duck Genitals Locked in Arms Race":

Female ducks have evolved "maze-like" genitals with many twists, pouches and dead ends, in a bid to prevent rape and retain control of who fathers their offspring...

Apparently rape is a big issue for mallards, with 40% of all matings being forced. The female mallards are often injured or drown during these attacks. But evolution is helping them fight back! As they evolve, their genitals become more complicated and difficult for these aggressive males to successfully reproduce with them. The female duck genitalia are described as having: "oviducts with many folds, pouches and dead ends, which were spiralled in the totally opposite direction to the male phallus." (This article comes with a picture, which I guess could be considered NSFW if you work with a bunch of ducks.)

Crazy. I think I'll stick with my insane kickboxing skills and deadly stare to keep the aggressive males at bay. But good for those lady mallards.