Greetings From Florida! Where One Diner's Bomb Threat is Another Diner's Work of Art

Hello from Florida!

Fay the Rainmaker is putting the smack down on the Sunshine State, but we managed to brave the misting rain and flooded retention ponds long enough to enjoy breakfast at our favorite local diner The Townhouse.

The Townhouse is a great local joint: simple, cheap, delicious diner food with wild chickens running free in the parking lot and children's art work hanging from the walls.

Cute, right?

But let's take a closer look at one of the drawings prominently displayed above the bar, keeping in mind the tiny script above the door reads "The Townhouse":

Did a disgruntled child leave this in lieu of a tip? Should the police be notified?

Either way, it's genius.

Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From PSAs and Batman

Things I love:

Public Service Announcements
Awkward Sexual Tension
My Bicycle
Awkward Man-on-Man Sexual Tension
Lifting Things
The Dark Knight, specifically the husky Batman voice
Shirtless white dudes
Best Summers Ever!

Because the internet loves me, it's given me all of my favorite things in these glorious Dark Knight PSA spots:

Bike Safety!


Heavy Lifting!


UV Protection!


Best summer ever, indeed!!

Font Jokes and Pynchon Illustrations [Uh Bailey, I Think Your Dork is Showing]

First, this pretty hilarious video about fonts courtesy of the College Humor gang. Despite my strong feelings about Comic Sans, this was pretty great:

And second, this artist named Zak Smith has made an illustration for every page of Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow.

For example, here's Page 1's illustration for "Beyond the Zero."

You can find the rest of the illustrations on Zach's site. They were part of the Whitney Museum's 2004 Biennial and are now part of the Walker Art Center's collection in Minneapolis.

For those unfamiliar, Gravity's Rainbow is the book you trot out at parties when playing the How Pretentious is My Dickishness Game. (I've read it twice since I'm totes pretentious and have a Biggish Dickish. I just write in LOL-internets speak to reach my wikipedia-mushed-minded readership out there! Hi Guys!)

Hat tips go out to the gang at Videogum and Mike for the links.

I promise I have something way less dorky and more low-brow in store for you tomorrow!

Most Disturbingly Amazing Way to Spend Your Friday Afternoon [Let's Make Babies!]

There are no words to describe how excited I am about MakeMeBabies.com.

There are hours and hours and hours and hours of distressing amusement at your fingertips people!

Have you ever wondered what your baby would look like if you mated with yourself? What about the mating of an Emo Carebear and a Cross-Dressing Circus Man?

Make Me Babies can show you EXACTLY what that improbable union would look like!

Take Mommy Bear:

And add Circus Daddy:

And you get....

Could that be?! Is it actually...

Lesbian Lindsey Lohan lover Samantha Ronson?!?!!!

Seriously! The hair, those eyes, that nose! If I ever manage to impregnate myself with myself, I'll be able to create a lesbian gossip-mag juggernaut!

Needing relief from that terrifying discovery, I decided to have a baby with Paul Rudd:

Um, since when did babies come out with full heads of braided hair and looking at least 4 years old?! Friends voted Baby Awesomeous "smarmy and a bit condescending" with "creepily small features." But like wouldn't you be a bit condescending too if you had the most awesome parents in the world?

Feeling a bit rejected by my attempt to procreate attractively with Paul Rudd, I lowered my standards and popped one out for Teen Wolf:

Wolf Baby was voted "a smooth and pretty baby" but "the right eye is a little... suspicious." I mean come on guys, you can't expect perfection with an inter-species baby! No matter how smooth it comes out.

It was time to make one final try of it.

There was no one left to turn to except the villain of my new favorite movie (seriously guys, I saw The Dark Knight last night and it's even better than the hype, especially when you're sitting in IMAX vibrating chairs... and you wonder how I got pregnant?!): The Joker.

With little left to hope for, I pushed "Proceed" with all my might...

And the verdict.....?!

"um... that child is adorable... which is scary"

Who knew my dream genetic match would be a psychotic fictional character!? And here I've been wasting my time trying to find real (non-crazy) guys to date when all this time I should have been looking for fantasy homicidal maniacs!

Thanks MakeMeBabies.com!

Nic Cage Needs A Bear Suit Like That Woman Needed A Punch To the Face [YouTube, Will You Marry Me?]

When there is nooooobody in the office, this is how you end up spending your work-day.

Discovering the joys of The Wicker Man. Or, more accurately, Wicker Man tribute videos on YouTube.



First of all, how the hell have I not discovered the greatness of this movie before? I blame Josh Hartnett and Wicker Park for totally confusing me. That and all those white kids in 7th grade who were pretending to be black. OK, those are wiggers, but I blame them anyway!

Not only do I give you video of Nic Cage in a bear suit punching out a chick, but I also give you Nic Cage in various forms of dress punching out several chicks, stealing a bike, and "The bees! The bees! My eyes!":



And now again, set to the 90s classic "Scatman":



And to save the best for last: Nic Cage + "OH NOEZ THE BEES!" + Dance Remix = Bailey rides the rocketship to hyperbole planet to collect the right adjectives to describe this video's greatness. Until she gets back, you'll just have to watch it and be in awe:



Do I treat you guys right or what?

Modern Dance Meets R. Kelly Meets Outter Space [The Best Thing On the Internet You'll See All Day]

...We now interrupt your previously scheduled 'Roo Recap to bring you this nugget of internet joy...

Those familiar with DivMo--or me--know of my great love of the collected works of R. Kelly. I don't have much to say about his recent acquittal except I didn't really follow it and sex with children is bad. I don't really care for R. Kelly the man as much as I care for R. Kelly's body of work. I am happy that future chapters of Trapped in the Closet will be made and I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that they will include space travel and aliens. Because really, Kelly has nowhere to go from this series but up and deeper into the black hole of his own brilliance.

As great as TitC is (lol "tit-see"), there is one Kelly song that eclipses it in my heart: Sex Planet. I loved it so much, DivMo used to have it's own "Sex Planet" tag, until in a fit of tidiness it got jettisoned. I even designed my first tattoo based on its themes.

Given my love, you can imagine the sheer head exploding joy I experienced upon finding the following clip of a modern dance troupe's interpretation of this lyrical masterpiece.



They might not win any dancing awards, but they have won a place in my heart. (And seats on my rocketship to planet Uranus.)

Glad To See I'm Not The Only One With The Dirty Mind

Biggest laugh of the day.

Thanks Google.

And The Award For Most Appropriate Use of the Internet Goes To...[The Envelope Please]

I have been to many many webpages: Stuff on My Cat, Fat Chicks in Party Hats, Stuff on Christopher Walken, White Chicks and Gang Signs...

All are examples of appropriate uses of the internet, but they pale in comparison to my newest find:

Manbabies.com

If there was ever a more perfect use of Photoshop, I haven't seen it.

Bravo, Manbabies.com, bravo!

Hot New Blog to Watch: Rageoline and Company [Your Daily Diversion]

Every five seconds a new blog is born. It's a fact. (Just count to twenty and then go look it up on Wikipedia; I'm still editing the entry about it now.)

But how do you decide what to read? How will you know what's worth your while!?!?!

First off, I'd say calm down drama queen. You're cut off from any more coffee this morning.

And second off, I'd say I'll tell you what to read! You are on my blog and therefore, I get to tell you what to do. And I'm telling you to read Rageoline & Company. It's a new blog written by some very angry and very funny Boston-based folk.* And it's soon to be all the rage! (Zing!!!)

I mean just look at this picture of rage. Hilarious, no?

Hilarious, yes!

So what did Rageoline decide to focus her snark-beams on for her first target of derision?

Flan! 'Natch.

Flan is so dumb, it doesn't even have a page on Wikipedia. Take that, flan. I don't really even understand what it is, and I've eaten it. It's a strange color and the texture is disgusting. If you've ever eaten flan, you will know that it also has an oozing liquid, which leaks out of the side of it. This reminds me of fruit on the bottom yogurt, where you have that extra yogurt juice, which isn't quite yogurt, and doesn't really resemble any of the fruit from the bottom. I know you know which juice I'm referring to...

How can you argue with mystery juices? You just can't!

So speaketh me: "Read it. Love it. Rage on party dudes!"


*Myself potentially included on that list. Identities changed to protect the snarky.

Look Ma! I'm On The YouTubes [Riding The Self-Promotional Wave]

A few months back a little sketch I wrote about the glories of made-for-tv-movies called "The Tiffani Martin Story" was committed to film by Downcellar Productions. It debuted at Improv Boston last Friday as part of their new film division and has now proudly found its way onto the internet. (The true home for all pervy and offensive things!)

YAYY!! Enjoy!



I would be totally remiss in my entertainment-providing duties if I did not also highlight the other hilarious commercial-parody sketches that came out of that day of shooting.

Hurley Brothers Home Furnishing



Connections: Daniel Plainview



Morelli Brothers Home Furnishing



And my personal favorite, Regal Osprey Blended Scotch Whiskey

Life Without Garfield Is Totes Postmodern, Tragic [Like My Constant Usage Of The "Word" "Totes" In Sentences]

This is not the first encounter DivMo's had with Garfield the cat (and no I'm not talking of the fat, Italian variety). There is something about the World's Most Syndicated Comic Strip that makes it infinitely more entertaining when set to live-action video-reenactment or, in the case of my new favorite internet find Garfield Minus Garfield, when Garfield is removed from the strip entirely:

Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb.

Um, genius! Here are 3 of my favorites, though the whole site is full of these hilaritragic gems:

Everyone's Got Ayds! [Reason Number One Ninety Eight I'm A Bad Person]

Best unintentionally worst product name ever. (This one's for you, Caroline.)



Side effects may include: Drops in white blood cell count, pneumonia, lesions, and death.

Because We're All About The Charity This Week On DivMo [The McLovin' Fund]

As McLovin' and his fake ID making-ways have brought a lot of traffic to DivMo over the year--or so says my Google Analytics--it is only fair that we in turn reach out to him in his hour of need.

It's not easy being a one-note comic hero. Forget those starving families, let's unite to pay some therapy bills!



Hat tip to Best Week Ever.

The Most Important Websites On The Internet

Teaching a Kid to Ride a Dog


and if the training doesn't go well, visit:

CDC's Rabies Website That's Just For Kids!

"Imma Gonna Love You And Miss You": Your Diversion For A Monday When Mother Nature Tried To Give You The Day Off, But Your Boss Missed That Memo

As my weekend consisted of hanging out under bridges with giant asparagus (asparagii?), getting thrown out of a bowling alley for illegal snow angels on the lane, and joining up with the banditos, having a snow day right around now would have been mighty nice.

But alas, I had a date with Word's track changes that I couldn't miss...

For all of you out there in a similar I'd-rather-be-making-a-snowman position, I give you the best online sketch I've seen in a good long while: Drunk History, featuring Michael Cera. Because while you might physically have to be at work today, that doesn't prevent your brain from taking a snow day. [This goes doubly for all you southerners out there: I'm still making up for all the snow days I missed while growing up in Florida!]

Though back in September during the great DivMo Hot or Not? Presidential Debate I expressed a predilection toward Grant's soulful, bearded gaze on the $50, Cera's sensitive portrayal of Hamilton's duel with Burr has melted my heart and swung my vote (among other things... lady-schwing!).

Grant's larger denomination be damned! It's not how much you're worth, but how you spend your money--right?!

At least I know Cera/Hamilton would call me.

Want more Cera goodness? Check out: Impossible is the Opposite of Possible

Your Morning Dose of Web Junk: Harry Potter in the Hood

Rumor has it J.K. Rowling is considering writing an 8th installment of Harry Potter chronicling Harry's bid to out rhyme 50 cent and Kanye for the title of the Kingpin of Hip Hop.

OK, maybe not. But that would be totally sweet.

Watch this video, laugh, and have another cup of coffee. Repeat as necessary until you've gotten through the morning.



Hat tip to yesbutnobutyes for putting H. Piddy in my reader this morning.

The New Pam: Now 30% More Unpredictable! (And Other Reasons I'm Geeking Out About The New Season Of The Office)

This promo for the new season of The Office has got me twirling my hair with school-girl-level abandon at the thought of my favorite show returning to the airwaves.



A 30% more unpredictable Pam!

Ryan rocking the George Michael look!!

The first four episodes are one hour long!!!!!!!

I don't think I've ever been more excited to hear Dwight declare: "Summer's over. Time to get back to work."

Peaches: The Real Doll For The (Socially Awkward) Man On A Budget

You didn't really think I'd let a full week go by without updating you on the latest "conquest" of Mystery and his pitiable poseur pick-up posse (p-p-p-punny!), did you?!? Well I'm here to dash/fulfill your dreams of fumbling dorks delivering canned lines to drunk chick in bars.

First, it was little girls; and now the P.P.P.P. (PeePeeps for short?) are putting the move on... peaches! That's right: peaches. Because all good sports metaphorists know you can't get to first base without sucking face with a ripe juicy peach first.

Oh, did I confuse a metaphor with a euphemism? Too bad we didn't spend an entire week defining "metaphor" in my college Introduction to Literary Studies class--oh wait, we did spend an entire week talking about it! And what a useful use of time that was! (Not that I'm still bitter; no, not me--never!)

Who has time to be bitter when there's sweet, juicy man-on-fruit love to be watched?

(For those not interested in recaps, skip ahead to around 2:11 when Mystery shows up rocking the rare goggles on a top hat look: for when you need to prove to women, you're not only regular mad hatter crazy, you're mad-hatter-skiing-down-a-mountain crazy. The peach make out session begins around the 4 minute mark for those eager to... ah... get to the point.)

UPDATE: What do you mean the illegally posted YouTube video of the show got taken down? How could that be? Here's a shorter version of the clip from VH1's website, now with commercial-packed goodness:

Because It's 2 A.M on a Sunday Night

Best quote from an article read at two a.m. while eating (organic mint) oreos and celebrating the fact it's Memorial Day weekend and I don't have to go to work tomorrow:

Gone are the days when children who wanted to learn the meaning of a naughty word or slang term had to find a dictionary or a more worldly pal. Today, Wikipedia can explain in a matter of seconds that badonkadonk is a term for a woman’s buttocks.

From the NY Times article Grade School Girls, Grown Up Gossip.

Oh, and Lindsay finally got herself a DUI. Here's hoping she can bunk with Ms. Hilton.