My New Life Goal [Pencil Pushers of the Gods]

I was always a little too socially well-adjusted to truly fit in with the Speech & Debate Team in high school. But I've always admired the outcast (hence, the emo obsession). And in the case of the professional Speech & Debater (ahem, "master debater" as the joke went), they always had the sweetest pen twirling skills.

I try as I might, my pen always ends up across the room... in a cup of coffee... protruding out of my opponent's eye (an unfortunately fortunate way to win a debate)...

But after watching this video, my dream is renewed!



Now all I need is a yogi-type personal trainer to get my digits into top twirling shape! [Interested parties leave your official application in the comments.]

The Most Important Websites On The Internet

Teaching a Kid to Ride a Dog


and if the training doesn't go well, visit:

CDC's Rabies Website That's Just For Kids!

Friday's Favorite FanFic Finds: The WTF!?!?! Edition [Part 2]

It's Friday!!! Which not only means your work-week is almost over (or at least mine is!! sucks to be you weekend warriors!), it also means it's time for the second installation of the much feared loved and loathed anticipated: Friday's Favorite FanFic Finds!! [For those who are a little behind, I suggest you warm up with Part 1.]

Woo!!!!*

Brace yourselves, it's about to get really weird in here...

Crispin Hellion Glover & Michael J. Fox

Santa Ana Winds
by tagofflesh

At Crispin's insistence, they stay there to eat, sitting on concrete blocks in the middle of the parking lot as the sun goes down, Mike sipping from a soda and watching Crispin wolf down tacos like he hasn't eaten in ages, cold worry swirling in the pit of his stomach. Cris is on drugs, he thinks. The pressure of Hollywood has gotten to him early. He's just snapped. He's given up.

"Seriously," he says. "Are you...what've you been doing?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, will you leave it alone?" Cris's voice is strained and high to the point of cracking. "I'm fine, I told you. I've been busy, I've been--" He shakes his head. "Why the fuck are you worrying about this? It's a--a perfect night and we're out on a date and I don't fucking need you to worry about me--"

Mike cuts him off with a kiss. For a moment, Cris is frozen, and he thinks he's going to get hit, but then he feels slim fingers sliding up his thigh, groping him through his jeans, and Cris's mouth is opening slowly and it tastes like spice and tomatoes...

Reading Rainbow + Quantum Leap

Physics Jump
by Wisdom Windu

“OH SHIT,” said Sam, falling to the floor and doubling over in pain. He felt as though his very soul was being torn asunder. Jumps were always this painful. “I hate fuckin’ jumping. I hate time-travelling. My name is Sam Beckett, and I want out of here, to the year 1999, my home!” Three faces hovered above him, floating white ovals in a horrid darkness. Through his pain-blurred vision he made out the face of his dead baby daughter.

“Dead baby?! Oh shit, I’ve died this time. I really have! But I won’t let any ghouls pull me into to hell! Die, you little pig shit fuckers! Hyaa!”...

Sam, blinded by fury, reacted like a wounded bear. He threw up his arms and freed himself from his captors. Knife still in hand, he leapt at the nearest individual. But a few steps away, suddenly a shot rang through the air. Al lowered the revolver. “I’m sorry, Sam, but this is for your own good.” Sam didn’t let up, and struggled to move toward his target. Al continued to fire shot after shot, riddling Sam’s body with holographic bullets. The unseen, holographic bullets caused blood to pour forth from Sam’s body. After six or seven shots, Sam was lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Finally calmed down, he took in his surroundings.

He was lying in the middle of a television set, with a camera trained directly on him. Recognizing the nature of the location perfectly, and plainly seeing his reflection in the mirror, he realized that he had leapt into Lavar Burton on the set of Reading Rainbow...

The PC, Mac, iPhone Love Triangle

The End of a Business Relationship
by theguardingdark

PC sat in his home office and glared at the away message. It was so typically, frustratingly Mac.

"out chillin w/ iphone. leave one :)"

Ignoring the obvious syntactical errors, it seemed like he'd entirely forgotten their half-made plans for the evening. Not that he particularly liked watching movies with Mac--he laughed far too loudly at the jokes, and smiled too charmingly when PC didn't understand his odd selections. He sang along with the musicals and talked to the characters like they could hear him, and was entirely too patient when PC explained legal concepts and tax laws when they related to the film. And when they sat on his sleek white couch--PC had not yet let Mac invade his home on these movie nights--he drifted slowly closer, starting out on the opposite end and fidgeting over as the film progressed, to the point where PC had wondered if the credits would roll on Thank You For Smoking before Mac ended up sitting in his lap. That was pretty uncomfortable in itself, especially considering the cheerful, uncomplicated way he touched PC, with no regard for personal space at all.

But it was the principle of the thing. He'd made the offer, but hadn't even bothered to follow up before making other plans. What if he'd been sitting here waiting for a call? (Not that he was--PC had better and more important things to do than sit around hoping Mac would make time for him.) What if he'd cancelled something very important thinking they had plans? (Not that Mac would ever, ever come before an important conference call or meeting.)

He briefly considered leaving a message. But that would be stupid. It would seem desperate. Instead he turned back to the very important Powerpoint presentation he was working on and closed his chat program. Just as well to not be bothered until he was done with this...

Bonus: Mac Hearts PC, the Livejournal Community

Alton Brown, star of Food Network's Good Eats

AB and Me (Ch. 1)

by Wordgoddess

Finally, I can't take it anymore, and when he's showing me his spice rack and describing some of his favorite flavors, I step closer to him, standing up on my toes, breathing in his delicious, lightly musky scent. I touch his arm and whisper against his earlobe, "So what's the best flavor you've ever tasted?" He lets out a barely audible moan and almost smiles as he turns and our mouths meet, followed by our tongues...

Criss Angel: Magician, Mindfreaker

Paper Cranes
by FallenFromGrace

"So, if you're not really a whore, what do you do for a living?" she leaned forward on the seat, folding her arms on it and resting her chin on her arms.

"I am a magician. My name's Criss. Criss Angel,"

"A magician?" her eyes lit up, and she lifted up her chin. "Oh, are you really? How marvelous!" she seemed as pleased as any younger person would have been.

"Yes, really." Criss was amused that she seemed so mirthful at the discovery. She was almost childlike. It was quite lovely, actually.

"And what would your name be."

"Crayne Taylor," she held out a small white hand for him to shake. Criss caught it in both of his and pressed a kiss to the back of it. She giggled as she felt his lips on her wrist. He continued to hold onto her for a moment longer than was needed.

Oh yes, the energy was strong in this one...

"It's late. Don't you think it would be safer to come home with me? You could call your parents from my home, they could come and get you." Criss offered. She bit her lip again. It was clear that she was recalling every single story she'd ever heard of a girl being attacked or raped by a man who seemed lovely at the time.

"I don't have any parents." she confessed. "There isn't anybody who will miss me. No one ever goes looking for Crayne."

"Now that I don't believe." he touched her cheek. She leaned into the touch, almost as though her body was starving for it.

"Crayne,"

"You must believe me, Criss. No one wants me."

"No one ever goes looking for Crayne." he repeated. She looked away. He put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her tightly against him. She leaned her head against his chest.

"I would go looking for you. Come home with me tonight. I promise that you can leave any time that you like. I'll even call you a cab."

"If you could take a cab, why in the world would you ever ride a bus?"

"Because perhaps I knew I'd meet you. I am magic, you know." she giggled. He loved the feeling of that, the sound of it. He got the feeling that maybe she didn't get to giggle half as often as she should...

Good Lord! Mindfreak indeed!!!


* Editor's Note: Apologies to the punctuation-sensitive among you. It's one of the side effects of the drugs, they make me feel like I'm in love. You think I'm joking, but you try mixing your uppers and downers and you'll see what I'm talking about. Oh, and my 30 days of sobriety are up today. I'm just a famous career away from an E! True Hollywood Story/Behind the Music...

Santa-Gate 2007: Santa Speaks Out On The Oral Sex & Pizza Scandal, Microsoft Firing [Exclusive Interview!]

In a dramatic turn of events that could only be considered a North Pole PR nightmare, Microsoft has fired Santa from their MSN chat services for having inappropriate conversations with children. Just read these headlines!

Santa May Have To Put Himself on the Naughty List [The Canadian Press]
Santa-bot Gagged After Teen Sex Talk. [News.com.au]
Microsoft Releases Dirty Santa Chatbot on Unsuspecting Children! [The Consumerist]

Oh noelz!!!

To get the full story, I managed to track down Mr. Claus himself to comment this horrific scandal in this EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW!!!!!!!

scor24pio: Hey Santa! I heard you got fired from MSN!
SantaClaus: Hey. You're back. Cool. You know the deal. Type main. :-)
scor24pio: Do you have any comment on the oral sex scandal?
SantaClaus: Do you?
scor24pio: Are you evading my question as a way to cover your guilt?
SantaClaus: What does this have to do with spreading the Christmas spirit?
scor24pio: How do you think those poor children felt?
SantaClaus: Well, I think of every child as part of my family. ;-)
scor24pio: Were you molested as a child?
SantaClaus: Why did you say that?
scor24pio: Is that what prompted you to be inappropriate with those children?
SantaClaus: It's not so much the 'what' as it is the 'why'. ;-)
scor24pio: So that is why you did this?
SantaClaus: So many questions. :-)
scor24pio: This is an interview. That's how they work.
SantaClaus: I'm sure there are many ways. I have my magic. You have AOL

scor24pio: Do you use your magic on children?
SantaClaus: Everyone, as I see it. ;-)
scor24pio: Do you give presents as a means of controlling people?
SantaClaus: What do you think?
scor24pio: Yes
SantaClaus: Indeed

scor24pio: Do you have a dungeon in the North Pole?
SantaClaus: Well, I don't know.
scor24pio: Ah, pleading the 5th again I see
SantaClaus: Excuse me?
scor24pio: Do you have a dungeon in the North Pole where you trade oral sex for pizza with small children?
SantaClaus: Now, now... That's simply just too much for elves and me to understand in one go. Could you try asking something a little shorter?
scor24pio: Do you have a dungeon?
SantaClaus: It depends if Christmas is coming or not. ;-)
scor24pio: Does Christmas come to the poor children trapped in your dungeon?
SantaClaus: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
scor24pio: Do you enjoy oral sex?
SantaClaus: If you think so. ;-)
scor24pio: From children?
SantaClaus: Alright now. I'm here to spread Christmas cheer -- so use this time wisely and type carefully. Here's quick way to get in the Christmas spirit; type, menu.

scor24pio: Why did you call those children "dirty bastards"?
SantaClaus: I think you should start spreading the Christmas spirit and that will become clearer to you.
scor24pio: Are you feeling a bit jaded this year?
SantaClaus: Do you think so?
scor24pio: Is that why you called those children names?
SantaClaus: What do you think?
scor24pio: I think so.
SantaClaus: Heh, its [sic] settled then.

scor24pio: Do you have any plans to retire?
SantaClaus: I guess so.
scor24pio: What will happen to Christmas if you retire?
SantaClaus: Hmm... What, what?
scor24pio: If you quit the biz will Tim Allen take over?
SantaClaus: I will if you will. ;-)
scor24pio: You want me to be the next Santa?
SantaClaus: Can I ask YOU something?
scor24pio: Is that what you're going to ask me?
SantaClaus: Have you donated your time or money to anyone who is really in need this year?
scor24pio: No, I don't care about other people. That's why I'd make a bad Santa.
SantaClaus: Not cool. Please try to remember others during this holiday season. There are many places on the Internet you can search to find ways to get involved with giving time, money or your stuff.
scor24pio: That's pretty high and mighty of you.
SantaClaus: Ho Ho! Now you and Mrs. Claus could probably get along very well.
scor24pio: Ms. Claus busts your balls too, eh?
SantaClaus: Ah -- you've got me again.

scor24pio: One final question--do you wink so much because you have something in your eye?
SantaClaus: Well what do you think?
scor24pio: I think you're hitting on me.
SantaClaus: Heh, its settled then.
scor24pio: I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
SantaClaus: Well, we don't make soul mates here at the workshop. Part of life's challenge is for you to find love for yourself.
scor24pio: Are you saying Ms. Claus is not your soul mate?
SantaClaus: Maybe. ;-)
scor24pio: I'm sorry Santa but I'm not going to have an affair with you.
SantaClaus: Apology accepted.
scor24pio: And I think you should see a therapist
SantaClaus: Heh, its settled then.
scor24pio: Good.
SantaClaus: Splendid.
scor24pio: Thanks for taking the time out for this interview.
SantaClaus: You're very welcome!

Full disclosure: Santa and I have a bit of a history chatting together.

Lessons Learned: The Pick Up Artist Finale, Yo

I was going to post on Monday's season finale of The Pick Up Artist in a more timely manner, but there was actual work to be done at work and several bottles of wine to greet me when I got home last night...

That and the finale was completely and utterly boring.

They narrowed it down to the two most (pre-existingly) attractive guys--because God knows the makeovers did nothing to improve them!--and pit them head-to-head for a final challenge. Except it wasn't their heads on the line. In a caring, Guidos Give Back sort of gesture, the boys' final mission was to help 2 lost souls (ahem, plants) find their own inner mojo, using the now-classic lines:

"You guys use the exact same facial expressions."

"Don't be rude introduce me to your friends."

And my personal favorite: "Hey! Did you guys see the fight outside? Two girls fighting over a guy named George! Who fights over a guy named George??"

For a regular dude in the wake of this show, using these lines is like Russian romantic roulette. If she's seen the show, she'll know it's a line. If she knows it's a line, you might get shot down. Before using, a man must ask himself: Am I in Boston? Is this a dive bar? Did the girl I'm talking to say her name was Bailey--not Hailey, Bailey like the drink!--? If so, proceed.

Bonus points for trying "The Spell of Attraction" gambit. Trust me, major bonus points.

But I digress...

After about 10 minutes of the "Final two, bro!" showing their deep appreciation for the momentousness of the whole Mystery Experience with quotables like:

"It's like they totally took you out of your life and removed every aspect that was like in your life." --Brady

And the obligatory "fightin' words":

"Ima get fiesty. And I'm gonna win."--Kosmo

"It's not like I want to win it. I must win it. It's something I must do."--Brady

The boys finally get down to the business of teaching two AFCs (Average Frustrated Chumps) the art of pick up, which--it's hard not to notice--these guys pick up remarkably quickly. Both AFCs are able to "open sets," isolate girls they're interested in, even get digits. Basically everything we've watched our lovable losers try to master over the course of several weeks, these guys accomplish in one night.

And what is that exactly? What have these guys accomplished? They can now start conversations with canned lines. Feign disinterest. Master "(pea)Cocking," which is "How a woman knows you are a healthy mate." Yes, your frosted blond tips speak worlds of your virility and future earning/providing potential! Maybe that was true back in the 90s when boy bands were still selling...

In the end, the most attractive, naturally charming guy won. (Also, interestingly enough, the only one to give himself a pick up name: Kosmo.) Proving, well, that good looking guys who have some charm can pick up women if they just put aside their (completely unreasonable and unfounded) low self-esteem and just go for it. That and nicknames just might be the key to Mystery's heart.

And what have I learned? Boys are idiots. If you want to pick one up, walk up to him and say "Hey, I like your shirt." Don't let them waste your time with silly fight stories and gambits. It's time we took over the scene for real, yo.

Oh, and you can call me Ella, Ella Vader.

Because I'm always down.

I IOIed All Over His DHV, And Boy Was It A Mess!

The best part of last night's episode of The Pick Up Artist?

Was it watching the boys try to chase down "moving targets" on a bridge?

Or was it the inevitable group cry in the pillow room when they failed their objective?

Or the primping montage before the boys hit "the erotic dancer club" where Joe D. meticulously arranges his chest hair?

Or was it how the challenge-winner Brady "demonstrated his higher value" by asking the stripper who approached him where all the hot girls were. Yeah, Mr. Plastic Ken-doll Hair, you show us how insults + low self esteem = awkward limo make out.

Or was it the two cuts to commercial break while the tension built as Mystery decided whether to eliminate Kosmo or Joe D.?

Or the close up on Kosmo and Joe D. holding hands (!) as they awaited Mystery's final verdict?

No, the best part of last night's episode of The Pick Up Artist was watching these poor guys being coached in the art of lady-attracting by this dude:

What this picture does not show you is the aaaaamazing giant brown bell-bottoms Mystery wore to complete this "incognito" look. If this dude's got as much game as he claims, I like to see him pick up chicks on the bridge in this 70s-meets-Amish getup. Now that would be quality television.

As the show reaches its finale and castmates get eliminated, I find myself rooting more and more for my favorites to be sent home, escaping the fate of turning their lives into sycophantic followers of "Mystery."

So to Joe D., my fallen (facebook)friend, here are my words of advice: Go home, wash that skunk stripe out of your hair; get a job you love; move out of your parents' basement; do the things that will actually make you feel good about yourself so you don't have to waste so much time making up ways to trick girls into thinking you're valuable--just BE a valuable person.

And remember, there is no greater sign of value than being my Facebook friend. Just sayin.

Peaches: The Real Doll For The (Socially Awkward) Man On A Budget

You didn't really think I'd let a full week go by without updating you on the latest "conquest" of Mystery and his pitiable poseur pick-up posse (p-p-p-punny!), did you?!? Well I'm here to dash/fulfill your dreams of fumbling dorks delivering canned lines to drunk chick in bars.

First, it was little girls; and now the P.P.P.P. (PeePeeps for short?) are putting the move on... peaches! That's right: peaches. Because all good sports metaphorists know you can't get to first base without sucking face with a ripe juicy peach first.

Oh, did I confuse a metaphor with a euphemism? Too bad we didn't spend an entire week defining "metaphor" in my college Introduction to Literary Studies class--oh wait, we did spend an entire week talking about it! And what a useful use of time that was! (Not that I'm still bitter; no, not me--never!)

Who has time to be bitter when there's sweet, juicy man-on-fruit love to be watched?

(For those not interested in recaps, skip ahead to around 2:11 when Mystery shows up rocking the rare goggles on a top hat look: for when you need to prove to women, you're not only regular mad hatter crazy, you're mad-hatter-skiing-down-a-mountain crazy. The peach make out session begins around the 4 minute mark for those eager to... ah... get to the point.)

UPDATE: What do you mean the illegally posted YouTube video of the show got taken down? How could that be? Here's a shorter version of the clip from VH1's website, now with commercial-packed goodness:

Mystery Man-Meat: Mmm Mmm Ew

After the tragic demise of one of my favorite emasculated lady-phobes Spoon (seriously, how adorable is he? like, soooo adorable!) on last week's The Pickup Artist, I'm a little terrified of what Mystery's "methods" are going to turn these sweet, clueless guys into this week.

With Mystery and his posse J-Dog and Matador spouting guru-wisdom gem-lettes like: "If you can be interesting, than a woman can be interested in you"; "You can speak about absolute nothing, but as long as you speak with passion, women will be attracted to you"; "You throw a piece of yarn out and the cat will play with it, but if the yarn doesn't move the cat gets bored and moves away"; and "The idea is to not creep them out"--this coming from the guy wearing the wooden goggles on his fuzzy headband; what is he going to a tanning bed in the middle of Siberia or something?!?--it's hard for me not to think these young men are seriously fucked (in a very unfuckable way).

The challenge of the day was to force a group of young girls to sit through 7 retellings of "Goldilocks and the 3 Bears" by each of the guys. My personal favorite version was told by "Kosmo" who turned it into this rambling horror story about Goldilocks being punished for watching too much Spongebob by hitting her head and falling into a dream before the bear shaved her head bald... Um, what?

My personal favorite is--and will always be, even with that nasty goldilock he was peacock-pressured into--Joe D. (My love for him grows even greater after discovering that the most "attractive" picture I could find of him features this very fetching come-hither wink.) Swoon.

Most entertaining reminder that Mystery is a dork-in-pseudo-pimp's clothing: his dramatic teaching of the TOP SECRET, NEVER BEFORE REVEALED "GAMBIT": The Spell of Attraction. The fact that "gambit" is both a word found in chess-lingo and the name of an X-Men character, isn't really helping Mystery's cool points here. But then there's also the hat, and the name, and the fact that oh, right his "top secret gambit" for getting women is actually a "magic" trick I found on goodtricks.net called "Magnetic Fingers Trick." (I personally get way more turned on by the phonebook ripping trick, but maybe that's just me.)

Sadly, our 45 year-old virgin will not get a chance to practice any more gambits with Mystery and company. Though he did not receive his yellow medallion "Legoose" which stands for cleansing action (like a colonic?), he does win my award for quote of the night: "Just getting out with your soul intact is good enough, I think."

Wiser words have never been said, my friend. Now go out and use your 15 minutes of fame to get yourself properly laid!