Creepy Baby Video Will Make You Cry... uh... Like A Baby

Check out what's bouncing around the internets today yesterday (okay okay I've been a lazy blogger):

It's totally fucking creepy baby dolls! Called "Reborn Dolls" most likely because they most closely resemble back-from-the-dead zombies, these miniature wonders take hours and hours to make, cost hundreds of dollars, and will give you nightmares for months.

The song choice of the video alone is worth its weight in gold, if gold was the most terrifying substance on earth that made you feel really really uncomfortable every time it was around. And just when you think it's finally over, it pauses, restarts, and plays again.



Normal responses to watching this include: "10:52 of your life that you can't get back" and "these false children are making me furious like saw them in half furious. hi baby you want to get KARATE CHOPPED."

And then there is my response: Taking screen shots of all the most horrifically deformed "beautiful babies" and turning it into a zombie baby collage, complete with my own MS Paint annotation.

Click on the picture to see it in its full glory. Perfectly suitable* for printing and hanging up in your office!!!



*If you want your coworkers to think you're the next bus hacker.

Most Disturbingly Amazing Way to Spend Your Friday Afternoon [Let's Make Babies!]

There are no words to describe how excited I am about MakeMeBabies.com.

There are hours and hours and hours and hours of distressing amusement at your fingertips people!

Have you ever wondered what your baby would look like if you mated with yourself? What about the mating of an Emo Carebear and a Cross-Dressing Circus Man?

Make Me Babies can show you EXACTLY what that improbable union would look like!

Take Mommy Bear:

And add Circus Daddy:

And you get....

Could that be?! Is it actually...

Lesbian Lindsey Lohan lover Samantha Ronson?!?!!!

Seriously! The hair, those eyes, that nose! If I ever manage to impregnate myself with myself, I'll be able to create a lesbian gossip-mag juggernaut!

Needing relief from that terrifying discovery, I decided to have a baby with Paul Rudd:

Um, since when did babies come out with full heads of braided hair and looking at least 4 years old?! Friends voted Baby Awesomeous "smarmy and a bit condescending" with "creepily small features." But like wouldn't you be a bit condescending too if you had the most awesome parents in the world?

Feeling a bit rejected by my attempt to procreate attractively with Paul Rudd, I lowered my standards and popped one out for Teen Wolf:

Wolf Baby was voted "a smooth and pretty baby" but "the right eye is a little... suspicious." I mean come on guys, you can't expect perfection with an inter-species baby! No matter how smooth it comes out.

It was time to make one final try of it.

There was no one left to turn to except the villain of my new favorite movie (seriously guys, I saw The Dark Knight last night and it's even better than the hype, especially when you're sitting in IMAX vibrating chairs... and you wonder how I got pregnant?!): The Joker.

With little left to hope for, I pushed "Proceed" with all my might...

And the verdict.....?!

"um... that child is adorable... which is scary"

Who knew my dream genetic match would be a psychotic fictional character!? And here I've been wasting my time trying to find real (non-crazy) guys to date when all this time I should have been looking for fantasy homicidal maniacs!

Thanks MakeMeBabies.com!

And the Award for Best Use of a Spike's Junkyard Dog in a Music Video Goes to... [Tough Gays!]

Another gem from my Boston-tagged YouTube video trolling...

There is nothing I love more than crazy genre-bending music. In fact, just last night I decided starting a death metal glee club would probably be one of the best ideas I've ever had.

So it's no surprise I find this "queerxcore" video by Youth of Togay for their track "Tough Gays" to be the most hilarious and scary thing I've seen in awhile (scarelarious?).

(Mildly NSFW due to mature screaming and adult situations with some junkyard dogs from Spike's.)



Never fear, I'll get back to my Bonnaroo projection-ing tomorrow!

Your Childhood Repressed Memories Unpressed...Depressed? ...Pressed? [Terrifying Any Way You Put It]

You were a small child. The TV was on. You were too little to pick the channel. You didn't know any better. It's OK. It's not your fault.

It was called Zoobilee Zoo. You thought you'd gotten past it. Completely erased the memory of those half-human, half animal creatures frolicking around in that magical land. Traumatizing your sensitive-child sensibilities. You thought you had completely repressed it.

But one day, the fateful YouTube link from a friend followed by "Remember this one?"

Brace yourself because you do remember. You've seen this before. Though you wish you never had.

Kids and Their YouTubes [A Story of Offensiveness, Obesity, and Boy-on-Hat Crime]

There's not much I can say except the internet is a crazy place and my new gig blogging about viral videos for Bostonist has me sifting through pages and pages of Boston-tagged videos, which has introduced me to a whole new world of crazy crazy shit.

This is one of those videos.



Oh kids and their racism, hat-ism, and shovel abuse.

Sausages, Sausages, Sausages, Sausages [Second Verse, Same As the First]

Not to be a lady who keeps her audience dangling (penis pun alert!), I must dutifully report that I am now the proud owner of the March 1995 Playgirl featuring Scott Bakula.

Exhibit A:
Ooh la la, indeed! I have dutifully read my first-ever piece of purchased pornography (say that five times fast!) cover-to-cover and I have a few findings to report:

1) 1990s Playgirl maintains an almost pathological insistence that the sole audience for this magazine is women. Every letter, every submitted fantasy, the editor's comments, everything was female-centric. There is no acknowledgment of a gay audience whatsoever. Which is funny because when I see a naked dude doing some artistic back bends in a jungle in front of a tiger, gaygaygay is all I can think. Well, that and Dude, sweet tiger!

2) It distresses me that so many of the fantasies in the reader fantasy section start with "I said no, but really meant yes" premises. Oy, ladies. Oy.

3) Also tragic was the fact that every bio on every naked dude in there did little to mask the career desperation of the wannabe A-list actors of the world. Every one was a star in the making back in 1995. And in 2008? Even their certified cover star Scott Bakula is a cult favorite at best.

4) I really do feel for the plight of male nude models. Looking at these photos it became resoundingly clear how philosophically complex the question "Where should I rest my junk?" really was. Where, indeed. Where, indeed.

Only on a dreary rainy day like today would I find such tragedy in a racy nudey magazine. Ah well--to cheer us up, here is a very apropos (and disturbingly hilarious in its own right) clip from The Kids in the Hall called "Sausages":

Why Give A Kid A Pony When They Can Just Ride Rover? [Three Days Later and I'm Still Laughing About Kids Riding Dogs]

For those of you out there who were thrilled by the informative Teaching a Kid to Ride a Dog website that I posted about last Friday, but thought "Man! That's a brilliant idea, but that could never happen in real life, right?" I have culled the depths of YouTube to bring you video proof (!) that kids can indeed ride dogs.

"Riding Rudy" (set to the soft musical stylings of "Forever Young")

"Justy and Jagger" (fluffy dog alert!)

"Madelyn Riding Dog" (this one is particularly nerve-wracking given the tininess of the baby)

"Girl Rides Dog" (not only is the dog in question a tiny dachshund, but the dad actually advises the baby to "Grab her by the ears!")

And the winner for the most oversized kid riding the most undersized dog while wearing 'super fly' early-90s gear and demonstrating both the clean and dirty connotations of the verb 'riding' goes to...

"Andrew Riding a Dog"

5 Websites That Aren't What You Think [Wait, They Have More Than Porn On The Internet?]

All I can say is I really hope the cops don't have any reason to confiscate my computer any time soon to use it against me in a criminal trial. Because after all the 'research' I did for this piece, my internet history is a pretty scary place right now.

This is probably the most Safe-for-Work post I've done in a long time. Go figure!

The Website: www.access-scat.org
What you think it is: Some new perverse version of 2 girls, 1 cup (if you don't know, don't look it up--trust me), Animal Trackers Anonymous
What it really is: Somerville Community Access Television

Man, I hope their programming is better than their acronym.

The Website: www.scat.org
What you think it is: OK, this one has to be about poo, right?
What it really is: Nope! It's the website for Gold Coast Transit (formerly South Coast Area Transit out of Oxnard, CA).

Did no one get the message that scat = poop? How did that make it through a boardroom meeting? Hey, everybody! Let's ride the SCAT!

The Website: www.anus.com
What you think it is: Scary gay porn, a proctology discussion board
What it really is: The official website of the American Nihilist Underground Society

Who knew Nihilists enjoyed butt-puns? Or enjoyed anything for that matter?

The Website: www.vag.eu
What you think it is: British fannies
What it really is: A website selling an instrument that looks like a ween-whacker:

And you thought Teeth looked scary. Ouch!

The Website: www.funsexytime.com
What you think it is: OK, this one must be porn right? Or an online gay club?
What it really is: It's a... ah... picture of trees?


Bonus points for the awesome Arrested Development reference.

Fun fact: Apparently Amazon.com owns www.theinternet.com

And the award for the most completely random site on the internet goes to...

www.jesusismyhobo.com

Not only is it a real website, but it's been "Helping you pee since 2001" and comes complete with a giant Star of David.

Awesome.

Oh, and here is the short story Hobo Jesus and Chuck Norris Save The Morning by Matt McPherrin, the kid who's hobo Jesus pic I blatantly ripped off. Thanks dude!

If You See Something Scary On YouTube And No One Is There To Hear Your Screams, How Will You Ever Undo The Emotional Trauma? [By Blogging About It]

OK, here are the facts:

1) Garfield is a comic strip created by Jim Davis. It holds the Guinness World Record for being the world's most syndicated comic strip.

2) Garfield is about the life of a tabby cat of the same name and his owner, John Arbuckle.

3) For being as popular as it is, (like most "funnies" in the paper) it's generally really really really unfunny.

4) Someone (someones?) going by the name Lasagna Cat has decided to create video tributes to Jim Davis' strips: first by creating live-action reenactments of the strip (!?) and then by remixing the reenactment and setting it to a popular song (therefore upping the "wtfness" by 180 degrees and two shakes of the head).

5) Seriously, W.T.F.?! I can't tell if this is the best or most traumatizing thing I've ever seen in my life.*

Strip from 3/24/1979, Tribute set to "Bailamos" by Enrique Iglesias.

Strip from 10/26/07, Tribute set to MIDI version of "Cheeseburger in Paradise" by Jimmy Buffett and inspired by the early works of Neil Cicierega

You can blame the folks at the Best Week Ever blog for being the instigators of this traumatic experience.

*Definitely, definitely both.

Where Disney World Expats Go For An "Authentic" Experience [My Favorite Blogger Went To Georgia And All She Got Me Was This Offensive T-Shirt!]

Once upon a time, there was a little logging town in the heart of the northern-Georgian Appalachians called Helen. When the logging trade dried up in the late 60s, the local businessmen met to figure out what they could do to keep their little town's economy afloat.

Go Bavarian, obvi!

After that fateful meeting, they passed a town ordinance mandating that every building in Helen be designed to fit the Bavarian theme.

Just check out the cuteness!


The town of Helen goes all-out for every holiday. Like all out. Check out this tree:

Some of those balls are bigger than my head! (Man, that's a sentence I wish I could use more often!)

Due to the overwhelming cutesiness of the Germanified town, Helen's major industry is now tourism. (Particularly Oktoberfest when the bikers take over the town to raise steins together.) And what do tourists do while... ah, touring your town?

Buy shit!

Underneath the Bavarian lattice-work of the friendly shops lies a cornucopia of commemorative tchotchkies, baubles, wooden key chains, engraved switchblades, blown-glass barometers and silk-screened t-shirts.

Lots of t-shirts. Scary, scary t-shirts.

There were so many t-shirts to pick from, it was hard for a girl to decide...

While it's true, I am a southern girl, am I actually as sweet as cherry pie? A Confederate cherry pie, no less!

Dude, what's with all the cherries? Is there some subtle, sexual innuendo going on here that I'm totally missing?

Thank God, at least the message in that one is clear! Daisy Duke pride, Ladies!

I wonder how I'd be received riding the T into Cambridge in this next lil beauty:

I had to pass though, because writing checks is so last season! Especially checks Yankee asses can't cash. What a waste of ink! (Though one day I'm definitely going to write "Pain" into the cash amount of my RCN check, because those fuckers could learn a thing or two about customer service!)

Speaking of service...

And I had spent so many sleepless nights thinking, "Who will save the badonkadonk? WHO WILL SAVE THE BADONKADONK?!?!?!?!" Thank you Honky Tonk Firefighters, thank you!

Speaking of salvation...

Just be grateful I didn't take a picture of Jesus whipped on the cross with the instructions to "Read Between the Lines."

But there was only one shirt that truly tempted my tourist purchasing power:

Let's take a look at that a little closer:

That's right, it says "Here Comes Treble." Ring any bells?

It's only the name of the greatest fictitious Cornell a cappella group to ever be graced with the vocal stylings of one of my favorite characters on The Office, Andy Bernard!!

Now I'm just biding my time until gigantic over-sized bed-shirts become appropriate for everyday wear. Then the world will be in treble, indeed!

Next To Of Course God American Gladiators I Love You [Land Of The Spandex And So Forth]

There is nothing outside our culture's pseudo-ironic obsessive nostalgic grasp, nothing too irredeemably dated, nothing better left in its own time. Nothing in spandex, anyway!

And who am I to begrudge this impulse? Especially when it gives me an excuse to post this picture:

That's right! The American Gladiators are back! And I--like the dutiful American that I play while watching tv--am totally, utterly and completely obsessed.

How could you not instantly, passionately love and root for the likes of Titan, Mayhem, Justice, Wolfman(!), Toa (the Samoan!--how hilarious! and mildly, uncomfortably racist!), Venom, Stealth, Siron, and Hellga (! motherfucking H-E-DOUBLE-L-GA !) to crush--BRUTALLY DESTROY--any and all in their path?!?

Not only does American Gladiators satisfy our yearnings for a more tightly-clad, hairspray-ier time, but it brings us the pure essence of the American dream by presenting us with some fucking HEART WARMING stories of triumph over adversity. That's right, the very-same challengers you want to see the gladiators CRUSH! & DESTROY! are more pumped full of "If you can dream it, you can achieve it!" goodness than than a doctor's office full of Hang in There! posters.

Let's meet the contenders!

Jeff a.k.a, "Big Country," who is married to his high school sweetheart and handles nuclear waste (just like Homer Simpson! except like, in shape and motivated and stuff) who gives us amazing sound-bites like:

"Back home in Tennessee we have annual mud wrestling competition. I think that's been pretty good preparation for this."

and...

"He's a little bit slippery but it's just like hog wrestling at the fair!"

and, on competing against Wolfman:

"I'll to make it across and try not to catch the mange." (Mange! Brilliant! And who said all the writers were on strike.)

And then there's Adonis (he was born for this!) Lockett: first in family to graduate college, whose mom just got back from Iraq and if he wins she can retire from the wars (!!!) and he says things like "I'm going to give it 150%... and leave it on the field..."

Then there are the ladies:

Christie, the martial artist who is married with 2 kids and is the current World Female Grappling Champion, but is sadly not allowed to choke a bitch to make it through the gauntlet.

and...

Siene, who lost 50 lbs and shouts "I believed in myself!" as her explanation as to how she made it past Hellga. (Uh, have you seen Hellga? I think it takes a little more than belief to get through those double-Ls.)

Hellga, consider me your first official groupie:

Pray that the writers strike ends sooner than later guys, or this is going to be a very very scary year on DivMo.

Friday's Favorite FanFic Finds: The This (!?) Is What The Kids Are Listening To These Days Edition [Part 4]

In the spirit yesterday's coverage of the Jonas Brothers YouTube flame war, I've dredged up some choice fanfic about the bands favored by these video pugilists.

And--Good Lord!--is it morbid!

We've got the Jonas Brothers' true love getting thrown from the top of a tour bus (!), Hannah Montana is diagnosed with a mysterious disease (!!), Pete Wentz grows wings and flies around and shit (uh, can I get a wtf!?!), and My Chemical Romance hangs out with a dead chick (well at least that makes sense).

Yikes.

Oh, and I slipped in a little Slipknot for the Jonas Brother hater sk81337 who started this week's flame war off.

[Editor's Note: Though the prose style of the Slipknot fanfic is EXTREMELY similar to my writing here on DivMo, I swear I didn't write it.

Like OMG!!@@!! NOEWAYZ!]

The Jonas Brothers

Falling into Place

by Inseparable

One night she was kidnapped from her place in bed by Nick’s ex-girlfriend. Joe didn’t hear, no one did. After nearly torturing Rena, Kasey, the girl, pushed Rena off of the top of the tourbus. She was on tour with the Jonas Brothers because their parents all worked together, and they needed to go on a trip.

After she got to the hospital, the boys were miserable. They stayed for 3 days until their parents all got there. Joe refused to leave, but his brothers and parents were forced to drag him out of the hospital, even though he was screaming at the top of his lungs to stay by Rena’s side...

Slipknot

Slipknot Meets Gothgirl67779

by Gothgirl67779

so then slipknot went to the radio station "grahghahh!!!" said 6 "i will smsah because i am clown"

"wtf" said 7 "no im the clown i have the mask"

"no" said 4 "i think i am"

"gayyyy" sayd 963043 AKA JOEY JORDISON THE BEST DRUMMER EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111 "i am the clown"

yes you are" said - whoops sorry that is a typo i meant to type 0 not - LOL!

and so slipknot went to the radio stayshun "GRRRR" said 6 to the PRODUCER "i will kill!"

so the producer died

"hahahahah" gothgirl67779 said "i want to join in"

yeah okay " said joey jordison "i luv u"

"let's have secks" i said...

Hannah Montana/Miley Stewart

You Don't Even Know
by Lil Spazzy Q

Miley Stewart is diagnosed with a disease. She is having a really hard time handling all the new lifestyle that her disease requires. She doesn't even know how to break it to her best friend Lilly! But when a concert in LA leaves her spending all of her extra time in the dressing room, a suspectful Nick Jonas is on her case...

Fall Out Boy

Hidden
by Ashlyn-Marie Ross

Before Patrick could ask what he was talking about Pete jumped onto the windowsill barefoot. Sharp pieces of glass cutting his feet before he jumped, they plummeted down and Patrick screamed before Pete started beating his wings, only just slowing them enough to save them from crashing to the ground and keep them from landing. Pete stopped flying to put Patrick down. "Get on my back, be careful" Pete said. Patrick put his arms around the back of Pete's neck and Pete took off again, wings beating furiously as he sped forwards, suddenly there was a shot and Pete crashed to the ground, rolling backwards. Patrick turned and saw Pete try to get up, a shot wound in his shoulder. He fell back, grimacing in pain and another three cloaked figures rushed forwards towards them. Patrick heaved Pete to his feet helping him walk away from the figures. The brunette was breathing heavily and the cloaked figures easily caught up. "Fly, Peter!" Patrick screamed and Pete beat his wings, they were useless at the moment. Patrick kept screaming at him and he tried again, nothing...

My Chemical Romance

The Black Parade
by x.mcr.fob.patdx

I woke up in a dark place. I was no longer in a hospital bed, but was lying on what looked like to be a stage of some sort. I sat up, not in pain anymore. I chanced standing and to my amazement I did, with ease. I walked down the steps of the stage. Noticing I wasn't wearing my comfy converse anymore, I looked at my feet. Heavy black boots. I also noticed I wasn't wearing my old clothes either. I was now in a black long sleeved top, black shorts, which where accompanied by black fishnet tights, I also wore black gloves (the type where they don't cover your fingers). Why was I in these clothes? And more of am important question, who had dressed me? I looked up, and into the eyes of someone...

“Sorry if I scared you.” He said. “It's okay.” I wanted to ask him where I was and who he was and what had happened, but I decided not to yet. I didn't know this man and maybe he wasn't the type to be pushed for answers. As if he had read my thoughts he said. “If your looking for answers, your better of asking Gerard.” “Who's Gerard?” I asked back. “That would be me.” A voice called from behind me...

“Please don't be afraid Ashley.” He said to me. “We are here to help you.” I was so confused, how could he be helping m if he kidnapped me? I let my anger get the better of me and shouted this point out to him. Great he was probably going to murder me now. WAY TO GO! He looked at me, “I'm sorry if it seems that way to you. I can assure you it isn't.” He ran his fingers through his hair, obviously he was troubled on what to say. He looked at me again “You don't know do you?” he asked. I was confused. “I don't know what?” I asked back. “You're dead.”

Can't get enough? Healthy portions of Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 should do just the trick!

News Flash! The Jonas Brothers Suck, Possible Links To 9/11, Bhutto Assassination? [YouTube Video Wars Are Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Tarding My Brain]

I'm not sure if you know it, but there's a war on guys!

And I'm not talking about 'The Iraq,' I'm talking about the YouTube war between Jonas Brother fans and ADiehardFOBFan. Idolator has been doing an amazing job documenting the entire incident, from the first The Jonas Brothers Suck video made by sk81337 (now stricken from YouTube for terms of service violations, but has been mirrored for posterity here, natch), to The Jonas Brothers Suck Apology video (which is really a "psych! You've been pwned! They still suck! And here's some more screaming Slipknot to prove it!" video), to when ADiehardFOBFan jumped into the mix with her aaahhhmazing "People are allowed to hate the terrorists responsible for 9/11, so I should be allowed to hate the Jonas Brothers" logic.

So long story short, there are about a million Re:Re:Re:The Jonas Brothers Suck and Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:The Jonas Brothers Suck videos floating around YouTube all full of questionable uses of grammar, hairstyles, and angst.

And although I was the only one at my New Years party that could successfully identify them as The Jonas Brothers when they were performing pre-ball drop (upon which I was immediately asked: "Oh, do you work with kids?" --Ahhh, no. I ah, just read a lot on the internet I guess...), I honestly couldn't tell you very much about the band. Except they look like this:

So you can see why teen girls might get riled up about them. Mmmm jailbait.

Though my favorite of all the Re:Re:The Jonas Brothers Suck videos is definitely Dan540's Southern Gentleman's take on the issue. Because really, when am I not fighting over baked goods, earthy elements, and wind? Preach on, Brother!

And I would be completely remiss in my coverage of this incident if I didn't draw your attention to ADiehardFOBFan's detour away from Jonas Brother hating to deal with the gravest enemy to Fall Out Boy fans everywhere: Ashlee Simpson. Not only is she dating Pete Wentz, but she--gasp!--might secretly be 'the biggest prep in the whole-wide world'! In case you had any doubt on ADiehardFOBFan's feelings on the issue, she makes it clear in her title: Ashlee Simpson is a crackwhore.

This video includes a numbered list of why Ashlee Simpson sucks (attracting fangirls! the nose job! lip syncing! tearing Pete away from the band! FOB is losing fans! and they have links on stories that they'll send you if you message them personally to prove their claims!!!!).

But their Number 1 complaint about Ashlee?? (and my personal favorite)

Check Exhibit A:

"What are you doing with your hand right there!"

"Why? I would never do that to my boyfriend! That's disgusting! Even if you're alone, it's... it's just creepy."

I'm sorry to break it to you girls, but when you get older, you'll start to get these feelings. They're perfectly natural and nothing to be afraid of. I don't know how to say this delicately... but sometimes, well sometimes when you really like a boy and he really likes you... well, you're going to want to touch the ween. And it's OK, don't fear it. Go with it.*

Though I've pretty much summed up the good parts, the video is worth watching for ADiehardFOBFan's friend's amazing Cousin It hairstyle.

If only the presidential debates were this exciting! (Then maybe I'd be paying attention!)

*You all better be amazed at my restraint at not linking to the Pete Wentz ween shots here. AMAZED.

Friday's Sunday's Favorite FanFic Finds: Holy, Holy, Holy Crap! [Part 3]

Welcome to the special Sunday edition of Friday's Favorite FanFic Finds! In honor of this holy day and religious season, I give you blasphemous Biblical fan fiction!!

But first, a warm up with the awesome comic Achewood:

Jesus & Judas

Fic
by Jesuslovesjudas

It was a million degrees that season and Judas was in a small waist wrap and old, nearly broken sandals…Jesus the same, and sweat dripped from their long hair and goatees glistening on their bodies, toned and fit from prolonged walking. Judas was breathing heavily and his heart was beating as the good teacher approached him, cradled his cheek in his hand and went in to kiss him in friendship as he had done many times; however this time, Iscariot felt his teacher’s smooth and soft tongue pass between his quivering lips and engage the future traitor in a real kiss, which he returned, and it seemed to last an eternity…

God & Lucifer

Meditations on a Fall
by Culumacilinte

And He dreamed, if dreams indeed they could be called, of the time before the Fall. He dreamed of burning coal-eyes and long, clever fingers, and kisses like swift licks of flame. He dreamed of long conversation, of ringing laughter and of anger too; anger so great it drew storms heavy with the threat of lighting, storms which disgorged their contents onto the mortal earth, which quaked beneath the onslaught. El missed Lucifer’s anger. For no-one on earth or heaven dared get angry with Him as Lucifer had, beautiful Lucifer with his blazing soul and his defiance...

Saul, David & Jonathan

Honey to the Bee
by Dracosfanfic

The king had wrapped himself in a green cotton robe and an irritable scowl. Jonathan had an uncharitable thought that men his father’s age must hate having their sex interrupted because it was so hard for them to keep it up anyway.

“What do you want?” Saul asked.

“He is too young, Father,” Jonathan said. “I didn’t even know you liked boys.” He put the scrolls on Saul's table, picked them up and put them down again.

“I don’t. But David is no ordinary boy and he brought a present for his king. I was about to open it when you burst in rudely.”

Jonathan caught his own sigh of relief before it escaped. He knocked over an unlit oil lamp, and his father rolled his eyes.

“You might as well watch,” Saul said. The king had lost his mind again, Jonathan decided. Since when did they do that sort of thing?

“We have orgies now, like the Philistines?” Jonathan asked...

Mary Magdalene & Salome

Candles in the Rain

by Dracosfanfic

"I wouldn't mind seeing hundreds of naked Roman soldiers,"Salome snickered. "Mary, wouldn't you like to see nude, sweaty Roman men?" "Not particularly, "Mary said stiffly. She'd seen them before and never wanted to again. Salome was still practically a child and should never have to know what Mary knew about Romans. "Their things aren't circumcised ,"Salome said. Mary blanched and pressed a hand to her forehead. Joanna looked at her with some concern. "Salome, shush," Joanna said gently. Salome glanced at Mary, her face crinkling up again, but this time it was with worry, not distaste. "Go and greet your guests. Go on." Salome left, casting nervous glances back at them...

Cain & Abel

Am I My Brother's Keeper?

by Magnus_Leo

Sometimes, when I tended to my herd, he’d watch me. I’d pretend like he wasn’t there to tease him, but I’d smile to myself, thriving under his gaze, like a flower under the sun. Then he’d approach me, and make his presence known with cool hands under my clothes. Then we’d make love in those sparse, rough fields. The grass prickled like we were lying on a bed of nails, and the sun was hot and made us gleam with sweat. He smelled of dirt and tasted like salt and earth and metal...

Can't get enough of the fic? Check out Part 1 and Part 2.

Friday's Favorite FanFic Finds: The WTF!?!?! Edition [Part 2]

It's Friday!!! Which not only means your work-week is almost over (or at least mine is!! sucks to be you weekend warriors!), it also means it's time for the second installation of the much feared loved and loathed anticipated: Friday's Favorite FanFic Finds!! [For those who are a little behind, I suggest you warm up with Part 1.]

Woo!!!!*

Brace yourselves, it's about to get really weird in here...

Crispin Hellion Glover & Michael J. Fox

Santa Ana Winds
by tagofflesh

At Crispin's insistence, they stay there to eat, sitting on concrete blocks in the middle of the parking lot as the sun goes down, Mike sipping from a soda and watching Crispin wolf down tacos like he hasn't eaten in ages, cold worry swirling in the pit of his stomach. Cris is on drugs, he thinks. The pressure of Hollywood has gotten to him early. He's just snapped. He's given up.

"Seriously," he says. "Are you...what've you been doing?"

"Jesus fucking Christ, will you leave it alone?" Cris's voice is strained and high to the point of cracking. "I'm fine, I told you. I've been busy, I've been--" He shakes his head. "Why the fuck are you worrying about this? It's a--a perfect night and we're out on a date and I don't fucking need you to worry about me--"

Mike cuts him off with a kiss. For a moment, Cris is frozen, and he thinks he's going to get hit, but then he feels slim fingers sliding up his thigh, groping him through his jeans, and Cris's mouth is opening slowly and it tastes like spice and tomatoes...

Reading Rainbow + Quantum Leap

Physics Jump
by Wisdom Windu

“OH SHIT,” said Sam, falling to the floor and doubling over in pain. He felt as though his very soul was being torn asunder. Jumps were always this painful. “I hate fuckin’ jumping. I hate time-travelling. My name is Sam Beckett, and I want out of here, to the year 1999, my home!” Three faces hovered above him, floating white ovals in a horrid darkness. Through his pain-blurred vision he made out the face of his dead baby daughter.

“Dead baby?! Oh shit, I’ve died this time. I really have! But I won’t let any ghouls pull me into to hell! Die, you little pig shit fuckers! Hyaa!”...

Sam, blinded by fury, reacted like a wounded bear. He threw up his arms and freed himself from his captors. Knife still in hand, he leapt at the nearest individual. But a few steps away, suddenly a shot rang through the air. Al lowered the revolver. “I’m sorry, Sam, but this is for your own good.” Sam didn’t let up, and struggled to move toward his target. Al continued to fire shot after shot, riddling Sam’s body with holographic bullets. The unseen, holographic bullets caused blood to pour forth from Sam’s body. After six or seven shots, Sam was lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Finally calmed down, he took in his surroundings.

He was lying in the middle of a television set, with a camera trained directly on him. Recognizing the nature of the location perfectly, and plainly seeing his reflection in the mirror, he realized that he had leapt into Lavar Burton on the set of Reading Rainbow...

The PC, Mac, iPhone Love Triangle

The End of a Business Relationship
by theguardingdark

PC sat in his home office and glared at the away message. It was so typically, frustratingly Mac.

"out chillin w/ iphone. leave one :)"

Ignoring the obvious syntactical errors, it seemed like he'd entirely forgotten their half-made plans for the evening. Not that he particularly liked watching movies with Mac--he laughed far too loudly at the jokes, and smiled too charmingly when PC didn't understand his odd selections. He sang along with the musicals and talked to the characters like they could hear him, and was entirely too patient when PC explained legal concepts and tax laws when they related to the film. And when they sat on his sleek white couch--PC had not yet let Mac invade his home on these movie nights--he drifted slowly closer, starting out on the opposite end and fidgeting over as the film progressed, to the point where PC had wondered if the credits would roll on Thank You For Smoking before Mac ended up sitting in his lap. That was pretty uncomfortable in itself, especially considering the cheerful, uncomplicated way he touched PC, with no regard for personal space at all.

But it was the principle of the thing. He'd made the offer, but hadn't even bothered to follow up before making other plans. What if he'd been sitting here waiting for a call? (Not that he was--PC had better and more important things to do than sit around hoping Mac would make time for him.) What if he'd cancelled something very important thinking they had plans? (Not that Mac would ever, ever come before an important conference call or meeting.)

He briefly considered leaving a message. But that would be stupid. It would seem desperate. Instead he turned back to the very important Powerpoint presentation he was working on and closed his chat program. Just as well to not be bothered until he was done with this...

Bonus: Mac Hearts PC, the Livejournal Community

Alton Brown, star of Food Network's Good Eats

AB and Me (Ch. 1)

by Wordgoddess

Finally, I can't take it anymore, and when he's showing me his spice rack and describing some of his favorite flavors, I step closer to him, standing up on my toes, breathing in his delicious, lightly musky scent. I touch his arm and whisper against his earlobe, "So what's the best flavor you've ever tasted?" He lets out a barely audible moan and almost smiles as he turns and our mouths meet, followed by our tongues...

Criss Angel: Magician, Mindfreaker

Paper Cranes
by FallenFromGrace

"So, if you're not really a whore, what do you do for a living?" she leaned forward on the seat, folding her arms on it and resting her chin on her arms.

"I am a magician. My name's Criss. Criss Angel,"

"A magician?" her eyes lit up, and she lifted up her chin. "Oh, are you really? How marvelous!" she seemed as pleased as any younger person would have been.

"Yes, really." Criss was amused that she seemed so mirthful at the discovery. She was almost childlike. It was quite lovely, actually.

"And what would your name be."

"Crayne Taylor," she held out a small white hand for him to shake. Criss caught it in both of his and pressed a kiss to the back of it. She giggled as she felt his lips on her wrist. He continued to hold onto her for a moment longer than was needed.

Oh yes, the energy was strong in this one...

"It's late. Don't you think it would be safer to come home with me? You could call your parents from my home, they could come and get you." Criss offered. She bit her lip again. It was clear that she was recalling every single story she'd ever heard of a girl being attacked or raped by a man who seemed lovely at the time.

"I don't have any parents." she confessed. "There isn't anybody who will miss me. No one ever goes looking for Crayne."

"Now that I don't believe." he touched her cheek. She leaned into the touch, almost as though her body was starving for it.

"Crayne,"

"You must believe me, Criss. No one wants me."

"No one ever goes looking for Crayne." he repeated. She looked away. He put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her tightly against him. She leaned her head against his chest.

"I would go looking for you. Come home with me tonight. I promise that you can leave any time that you like. I'll even call you a cab."

"If you could take a cab, why in the world would you ever ride a bus?"

"Because perhaps I knew I'd meet you. I am magic, you know." she giggled. He loved the feeling of that, the sound of it. He got the feeling that maybe she didn't get to giggle half as often as she should...

Good Lord! Mindfreak indeed!!!


* Editor's Note: Apologies to the punctuation-sensitive among you. It's one of the side effects of the drugs, they make me feel like I'm in love. You think I'm joking, but you try mixing your uppers and downers and you'll see what I'm talking about. Oh, and my 30 days of sobriety are up today. I'm just a famous career away from an E! True Hollywood Story/Behind the Music...

The Only Shot I Want To Take With Tila Tequila Involves Gun Play

Now, don't get me wrong: I love shitty reality television dating shows as much as the next person. But turning the nebulous celebrity that is MySpace (vomit) fame, into a reality dating show, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila?

Just look at her! She's eating her own necklace! Bad dog! Put it down before you choke on it. Drop it!

And for the big twist this time around? Boys AND girls want to be dating this... thing.

First it's a washed up, mumbling rapper. Then the prostitart 2-time runner-up and an aging "rocker" who blows his nose near a chick and "connects souls."

And now, a chick famous for friending everyone on a website where each page holds a new eye-gouging disaster of "personal style" to the score of your favorite top-40 track of the moment.

You know this is only the beginning. Like Tila Tequila to her necklace (dog:bone) so is VH1 MTV to it's craptastic reality dating programming. Who will be next in this downward shame spiral? I've created a mathematical algorithm that inputs variables of class, watchability, general nastiness, and dwindling credibility as a celebrity and have come up with the following predictions for future shows:

Hos for Hobos: Win A Date With The Guy Who Eats Trash Out Of Your Dumpster!!!

No That's Not A Balloon Animal In My Pocket: To Date A Predator Edition!

But perhaps the most frightening (and potentially possible!) prediction of all:

Trolling For Love With Perez Hilton!!

Just remember you heard it here first! I am the blog of Revelations and, my friends, the apocalypse is now.

How To Tell If You Spend Too Much Time On Your Computer...

How can you tell if you've spent too much time on your computer? You say "delete" when you throw some papers in the trash.

Also might be a sign I need some coffee. Thank God I live in Boston.

Before You Get Too Charmed By Wayne Brady's Televised Karaoke...

I got sucked into watching the full hour of Fox's latest slimy attempt to beat NBC's own karaoke-based game show, The Singing Bee, to the proverbial ratings-punch with its yeah-this-took-a-team-of-executives-to-come-up-with title: Don't Forget the Lyrics.

It's Joey Fatone on team NBC versus Wayne Brady on team Fox. And before you get all anti-boyband-h