Yeah, yeah yeah. I know I promised more Bonnaroo projections. But between getting all my ducks in a row for this trip (like the all important purchase of the water-spritzing fan) and getting ready for the big work conference happening the day I get back from the 'Roo (my boss's only stipulation is that I must shower before schmoozing with the board bigwigs... fair enough), I find myself feeling a little Jessie Spano-ish.
I think most of you know what I'm talking about. The most famous cameo of NoDoze ever:
Thankfully, I'm still riding the "I'm so excited!" train with no scared in sight.
And as for the 'Roo, you're just going to have to wait patiently to see how I'm going to pack in Chromeo, Kanye, Sigur Ros, The Coup, Lupe Fiasco, Talib Kweli, and Ghostland Observatory between 12:15 a.m. and 4:15 a.m. on Saturday night.
Oh cruel scheduling gods, must you put so many bands I'm pumped to see all within the same (ridiculously late) block of time?
Wish me luck!
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Your Childhood Repressed Memories Unpressed...Depressed? ...Pressed? [Terrifying Any Way You Put It]
You were a small child. The TV was on. You were too little to pick the channel. You didn't know any better. It's OK. It's not your fault.
It was called Zoobilee Zoo. You thought you'd gotten past it. Completely erased the memory of those half-human, half animal creatures frolicking around in that magical land. Traumatizing your sensitive-child sensibilities. You thought you had completely repressed it.
But one day, the fateful YouTube link from a friend followed by "Remember this one?"
Brace yourself because you do remember. You've seen this before. Though you wish you never had.
It was called Zoobilee Zoo. You thought you'd gotten past it. Completely erased the memory of those half-human, half animal creatures frolicking around in that magical land. Traumatizing your sensitive-child sensibilities. You thought you had completely repressed it.
But one day, the fateful YouTube link from a friend followed by "Remember this one?"
Brace yourself because you do remember. You've seen this before. Though you wish you never had.
Friday, April 18, 2008
The Internet: Bringing Nerds and Nudity Together Since The 1980s [Quite Possibly The Most Important Purchase Of My Life]
Thanks to the gloriousness of our fair internet, I am now (or will at least soon to be once it arrives in the mail) the proud owner of the March 1995 issue of Playgirl featuring the one... the only... Scott Bakula!!!!
Having never actually seen an issue of Playgirl, this will finally end the debate over whether Playgirl shows ween. I've got 5-7 business days to brace myself for the answer.
And for those uninitiated into the wonders of Quantum Leap, here's a little taste of the magic (set to the tune of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"):
Having never actually seen an issue of Playgirl, this will finally end the debate over whether Playgirl shows ween. I've got 5-7 business days to brace myself for the answer.
And for those uninitiated into the wonders of Quantum Leap, here's a little taste of the magic (set to the tune of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"):
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Office Spinoff! [Can Stanley's Pimp Ways And Connection To The Muffin Man Save Him From Dwight's Blood Feud?]
If Perez Hilton and his peen-dribbling, MS-Painty ways can be trusted, The Office is getting a spinoff!!
And a quick Google search confirms it: a backdoor pilot is in the works! (Wow, that sounds sketchy! And for once, I didn't even make it up!)
So, what will the show be about?
My fellow Office-lovah, Jeremy and I speculate:
me: word on the street: there will be a spinoff of the office
jeremy: so i heard!
me: who do you think is in it?
jeremy: i'm in it with stanley
me: fuck yeah
jeremy: we lose our jobs and end up moving in together and the series is about our hijinks trying to make ends meet
me: stanley becomes a pimp and a russian prostitute moves in
jeremy: in ep 3 yea
me: who turns out to be german and dwight's 7th cousin, so dwight makes cameos
jeremy: and he beats her to death. yea, we already shot that ep
me: and then dwight has to avenge his cousin so you and stanley go on the run
jeremy: yup and we run into cabo where we meet up with michael and george michael bluth
me: and hide in the attic but then the house gets fumigated and you and stanley go on an acid trip through a piece of swiss cheese and you meet the muffin man
jeremy: haha i can't believe all this leaked
Will Jeremy and Stanley be able to buy the Muffin Man off with a fistful of Stanley Nickels?
Tune in to find out!!!!
And a quick Google search confirms it: a backdoor pilot is in the works! (Wow, that sounds sketchy! And for once, I didn't even make it up!)
So, what will the show be about?
My fellow Office-lovah, Jeremy and I speculate:
me: word on the street: there will be a spinoff of the office
jeremy: so i heard!
me: who do you think is in it?
jeremy: i'm in it with stanley
me: fuck yeah
jeremy: we lose our jobs and end up moving in together and the series is about our hijinks trying to make ends meet
me: stanley becomes a pimp and a russian prostitute moves in
jeremy: in ep 3 yea
me: who turns out to be german and dwight's 7th cousin, so dwight makes cameos
jeremy: and he beats her to death. yea, we already shot that ep
me: and then dwight has to avenge his cousin so you and stanley go on the run
jeremy: yup and we run into cabo where we meet up with michael and george michael bluth
me: and hide in the attic but then the house gets fumigated and you and stanley go on an acid trip through a piece of swiss cheese and you meet the muffin man
jeremy: haha i can't believe all this leaked
Will Jeremy and Stanley be able to buy the Muffin Man off with a fistful of Stanley Nickels?
Tune in to find out!!!!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Getting Engaged: So Hot Right Now [Hotter Than A Hot Pocket]
If you were to make a list of things that creep me out, Country Music Television, Tom Arnold, and reality wedding tv shows would all be on there. And yet, when combined, they make for some of the best television I've ever seen. It must be the Florida in me, but I love My Big Redneck Wedding. These couples not only buck tradition, but they shoot them and serve them to their wedding guests! And there is always camo and mud involved. And where there is camo and mud, there is my heart.
So to honor my new television obsession, AND because my roommate Tim popped the question to my roommate Jenny a mere hour ago in our foyer (congrats you guys!), I give you one of my all-time favorite clips from My Big Redneck Wedding:
So that's why I know all these fancy words!
You can watch full episodes over at the CMT website.
So to honor my new television obsession, AND because my roommate Tim popped the question to my roommate Jenny a mere hour ago in our foyer (congrats you guys!), I give you one of my all-time favorite clips from My Big Redneck Wedding:
So that's why I know all these fancy words!
You can watch full episodes over at the CMT website.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Good News for People Who Like Good TV! [And Movies!]
Not only is the Writers Strike pretty much over, but Jason Bateman has confirmed that there are talks to make an Arrested Development movie!
I would so buy the souvenir cornballer!
"I can confirm that a round of sniffing has started," Bateman says. "Any talk is targeting a poststrike situation, of course. I think, as always, that it's a question of whether the people with the money are willing to give our leader, Mitch Hurwitz, what he deserves for his participation. And I can speak for the cast when I say our fingers are crossed."Woo hoo! Below is the MSNBC coverage of the announcement:
I would so buy the souvenir cornballer!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The Golden Girls Go Lezby, But First Have To Figure Out What "Lesbian" Means [A Very Special Episode]
Last night I was jogging away on the treadmill at the gym--this is going to need sound effects: "do dodo dodoooo!"--trying my darndest not to fall off as I flipped through the channels on the attached TV screen, when I flipped onto an episode of The Golden Girls: "ohh... jackpot!"
It was mid-episode and Dorothy and Blanche were having some sort of heart-to-heart about Dorothy's "odd" friend Jean who had come for a visit. "La la la... jog jog jog... mis en scene..." when suddenly I pay attention again and their "odd" friend Jean is having a heart-to-heart with Dorothy (because, duh everything is heart-to-heart on Golden Girls). And then Jean confesses she is a (gasp!) lesbian and (double gasp!) has the hots for Rose!!
"Jog jog jog... jigga, whaaa?"
Lesbianism on The Golden Girls?!?!
It's a good thing I was running indoors because my mouth would have caught flies at that point.
Apparently, I was not the only one shocked the topic came up in the episode, as The Golden Girls themselves seemed a little unsure as to what a "lesbian" actually was.
And because I can never suffer the abuses of popular culture alone, I now give you the fantastic clip where Dorothy and Angela (hello, mother and daughter sharing a bed!!) discuss with Blanche what "lesbian" even means. Nooo not Lebanese, or an actress...
As cringe-y as some of their comments make me, it was 1986 so ah, brava Golden Girls for handling such a sensitive topic. Though for all her trouble and forthrightness, poor Jean gets the "I like you, but I just want to be friends" treatment in the end. (Girl, I feel your pain! Stay strong, my brave fictional-friend geriatric Sista!)
It was mid-episode and Dorothy and Blanche were having some sort of heart-to-heart about Dorothy's "odd" friend Jean who had come for a visit. "La la la... jog jog jog... mis en scene..." when suddenly I pay attention again and their "odd" friend Jean is having a heart-to-heart with Dorothy (because, duh everything is heart-to-heart on Golden Girls). And then Jean confesses she is a (gasp!) lesbian and (double gasp!) has the hots for Rose!!
"Jog jog jog... jigga, whaaa?"
Lesbianism on The Golden Girls?!?!
It's a good thing I was running indoors because my mouth would have caught flies at that point.
Apparently, I was not the only one shocked the topic came up in the episode, as The Golden Girls themselves seemed a little unsure as to what a "lesbian" actually was.
And because I can never suffer the abuses of popular culture alone, I now give you the fantastic clip where Dorothy and Angela (hello, mother and daughter sharing a bed!!) discuss with Blanche what "lesbian" even means. Nooo not Lebanese, or an actress...
As cringe-y as some of their comments make me, it was 1986 so ah, brava Golden Girls for handling such a sensitive topic. Though for all her trouble and forthrightness, poor Jean gets the "I like you, but I just want to be friends" treatment in the end. (Girl, I feel your pain! Stay strong, my brave fictional-friend geriatric Sista!)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
[Acid] Trip Down Memory Lane: 80s & 90s Childhood TV, Rembering The Shows That Raised You While Your Parents Were Out Drinking
Because TV right now is lame and writer-less, I now present you with DivMo's Retro TV hour!
Remember any of these??
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!!!!!
Denver the Last Dinosaur
Noozles!
Maya The Bee
Hey Dude!
David the Gnome (my personal all-time favorite... I forgot how amazingly cheesy the theme song was. Brilliant!)
All That / Kenan & Kel / Pete & Pete / Clarissa Explains It All / The Secret World of Alex Mac / My Brother and Me / Are You Afraid of the Dark? / Salute Your Shorts / Legends of the Hidden Temple / You Can't Do That on Television / Animorphs
Soooo good. They really should institute a 80s & 90s kid show nostalgia network. I know I would watch religiously.
Remember any of these??
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!!!!!
Denver the Last Dinosaur
Noozles!
Maya The Bee
Hey Dude!
David the Gnome (my personal all-time favorite... I forgot how amazingly cheesy the theme song was. Brilliant!)
All That / Kenan & Kel / Pete & Pete / Clarissa Explains It All / The Secret World of Alex Mac / My Brother and Me / Are You Afraid of the Dark? / Salute Your Shorts / Legends of the Hidden Temple / You Can't Do That on Television / Animorphs
Soooo good. They really should institute a 80s & 90s kid show nostalgia network. I know I would watch religiously.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Next To Of Course God American Gladiators I Love You [Land Of The Spandex And So Forth]
There is nothing outside our culture's pseudo-ironic obsessive nostalgic grasp, nothing too irredeemably dated, nothing better left in its own time. Nothing in spandex, anyway!
And who am I to begrudge this impulse? Especially when it gives me an excuse to post this picture:
That's right! The American Gladiators are back! And I--like the dutiful American that I play while watching tv--am totally, utterly and completely obsessed.
How could you not instantly, passionately love and root for the likes of Titan, Mayhem, Justice, Wolfman(!), Toa (the Samoan!--how hilarious! and mildly, uncomfortably racist!), Venom, Stealth, Siron, and Hellga (! motherfucking H-E-DOUBLE-L-GA !) to crush--BRUTALLY DESTROY--any and all in their path?!?
Not only does American Gladiators satisfy our yearnings for a more tightly-clad, hairspray-ier time, but it brings us the pure essence of the American dream by presenting us with some fucking HEART WARMING stories of triumph over adversity. That's right, the very-same challengers you want to see the gladiators CRUSH! & DESTROY! are more pumped full of "If you can dream it, you can achieve it!" goodness than than a doctor's office full of Hang in There! posters.
Let's meet the contenders!
Jeff a.k.a, "Big Country," who is married to his high school sweetheart and handles nuclear waste (just like Homer Simpson! except like, in shape and motivated and stuff) who gives us amazing sound-bites like:
"Back home in Tennessee we have annual mud wrestling competition. I think that's been pretty good preparation for this."
and...
"He's a little bit slippery but it's just like hog wrestling at the fair!"
and, on competing against Wolfman:
"I'll to make it across and try not to catch the mange." (Mange! Brilliant! And who said all the writers were on strike.)
And then there's Adonis (he was born for this!) Lockett: first in family to graduate college, whose mom just got back from Iraq and if he wins she can retire from the wars (!!!) and he says things like "I'm going to give it 150%... and leave it on the field..."
Then there are the ladies:
Christie, the martial artist who is married with 2 kids and is the current World Female Grappling Champion, but is sadly not allowed to choke a bitch to make it through the gauntlet.
and...
Siene, who lost 50 lbs and shouts "I believed in myself!" as her explanation as to how she made it past Hellga. (Uh, have you seen Hellga? I think it takes a little more than belief to get through those double-Ls.)
Hellga, consider me your first official groupie:
Pray that the writers strike ends sooner than later guys, or this is going to be a very very scary year on DivMo.
And who am I to begrudge this impulse? Especially when it gives me an excuse to post this picture:
That's right! The American Gladiators are back! And I--like the dutiful American that I play while watching tv--am totally, utterly and completely obsessed.How could you not instantly, passionately love and root for the likes of Titan, Mayhem, Justice, Wolfman(!), Toa (the Samoan!--how hilarious! and mildly, uncomfortably racist!), Venom, Stealth, Siron, and Hellga (! motherfucking H-E-DOUBLE-L-GA !) to crush--BRUTALLY DESTROY--any and all in their path?!?
Not only does American Gladiators satisfy our yearnings for a more tightly-clad, hairspray-ier time, but it brings us the pure essence of the American dream by presenting us with some fucking HEART WARMING stories of triumph over adversity. That's right, the very-same challengers you want to see the gladiators CRUSH! & DESTROY! are more pumped full of "If you can dream it, you can achieve it!" goodness than than a doctor's office full of Hang in There! posters.
Let's meet the contenders!
Jeff a.k.a, "Big Country," who is married to his high school sweetheart and handles nuclear waste (just like Homer Simpson! except like, in shape and motivated and stuff) who gives us amazing sound-bites like:
"Back home in Tennessee we have annual mud wrestling competition. I think that's been pretty good preparation for this."
and...
"He's a little bit slippery but it's just like hog wrestling at the fair!"
and, on competing against Wolfman:
"I'll to make it across and try not to catch the mange." (Mange! Brilliant! And who said all the writers were on strike.)
And then there's Adonis (he was born for this!) Lockett: first in family to graduate college, whose mom just got back from Iraq and if he wins she can retire from the wars (!!!) and he says things like "I'm going to give it 150%... and leave it on the field..."
Then there are the ladies:
Christie, the martial artist who is married with 2 kids and is the current World Female Grappling Champion, but is sadly not allowed to choke a bitch to make it through the gauntlet.
and...
Siene, who lost 50 lbs and shouts "I believed in myself!" as her explanation as to how she made it past Hellga. (Uh, have you seen Hellga? I think it takes a little more than belief to get through those double-Ls.)
Hellga, consider me your first official groupie:
Pray that the writers strike ends sooner than later guys, or this is going to be a very very scary year on DivMo.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Will Tila Make The Bi-Curious Bi-Furious? [Live Blogging The Finale of A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila]
Tonight will answer our burning questions: Will Tila choose a man or a woman for her shot at love? And ah, is that where we caught the burning?
9:55 p.m. Five minutes to finale!! Crystal Meth addicts are an awesome lead in. Keep it tuned here for all the sordid details of the Tila Tequila finale!
9:58 p.m. Meet our contenders: Dani
It's a good night for names ending in I/Y.
10:05 p.m. Oh crap! That meth special was on one of the bajillion other MTV channels. We tune in just in time to see Dani ahhhh... rapping?!? with TONS of eye makeup on... YIKES!
10:07 p.m. The roommate poll is in: I'm the only Dani hold out. Though I must admit I'm not sure why she's choosing this moment to fem it up with all that makeup. I hope this isn't the first chink in her adorably butchy armor.
10:09 p.m. Woah, what the hell is going on with that Mountain Dew colored walls? My eyes!
10:10 p.m. Aww the parents are back! Ohh I hope the fams have to camp out in the big bed. HAHA Bobby's a snuggler who slept with his mommy til he was six.
10:11 p.m. New item on my Christmas list: a chandelier made of vibrators. I wonder if Martha Steward Living put it out?
10:12 p.m. Between the electric blue dress, the red roses and the puce walls... save me... Nice that the dinner table debate is whether it's better to be "Mad" or "Crazy"
10:14 p.m. And we're not even 15 minutes in and the moms have begun poll dancing...
10:15 p.m. Roommate brings up a valid point: So ah, where is Tila's family in all of this?
Commercial Break: According to Fox--the bastion of all reporting accuracy--Dani is actually a mush of fem and butch: "futch" (rhymes with mooch) and is coming out with a clothing line (!?!) called Futch, natch.
10:20 p.m. Way to bend gender stereotypes guys! Bobby is the snuggler who asks Dani to talk to him because he's lonely and Dani says "I've never been this in touch with my feelings before. This sucks."
10:23 p.m. Oh God, not another montage where they play The Indigo Girls when Dani is kissing Tila! Way to play into the lesbian stereotypes producers! And the clip that makes me LOVE Dani: when she declares their kiss "Awesome!" and then quickly follows it up with the adorably self-aware: "Who says that?!"
10:25 p.m. "Bobby, I know you want me. Deep throat that thing!"
And ah, how fake is his "I love you" whisper? Ahh, Bobby's montage gets scored by Boys Like Girls. Punny!
Commercial Break: Tila takes on the rumors that she's secretly straight and has a 5-years-her-senior boyfriend the whole time on her MySpace page: Apparently she wasn't allowed to leave the house either. Way to find love via The Stockholm Syndrome!
10:32 p.m. Roommate points out Dani is unlikely to move out to LA for Tila since she actually has a career as a firefighter in Florida... Fuck it, I'm still rooting for her.
10:36 p.m. Haha Bobby's gift: A songbook for Tila to write in "if she has feelings." How charmingly naive. Like Tila actually writes songs. Or has feelings.
Commercial Break: Most amazing article title related to Tila Tequila: Tila Tequila Closing in on SpongeBob SquarePants
10:41 p.m. Hmm this song playing as she walks down the stairs sounds like... could it possibly be? Tila Tequila singing! Shocker! I gotta admit, the song is lame but the dress is adorable.
10:45 p.m. The "this is hard for me speech." I'm just bracing myself for the inevitable commercial break. Gasp! No commercial break! She picked Bobby! Shit!
10:47 p.m. Most fucking depressing end ever. And what's with all this scary music and the weird kissing montage. And the fucking Fray song....
A chase? "How to Save a Life"? What's going on? An invite for a 3-way? Noooooooow we get the commercial break...
Commercial Break: Yeah, they totally want you to think she changed her mind. But the cynic in me is pretty positive she's just going to give Dani a hug and a "let's stay friends" speech.
10:53 p.m. Dani stays classy despite getting her heart stomped on. Tila's got some crazy fake crying going on there.
Ah, chin up Dani. Even the straight girls are crushing on you. I don't think you'll ever need a shot to get a girl again.
And ah, Bobby is acting really weird... er... stoned?
Oh Lord, Tila just said "My lover, my boo... I could be your wifey..."
"In the end, I chose a man!" Yeah, real shocker there, Hun.
The End.
Oh wait... it's: The End?
Until The Hangover next and the reunion special next week! Here's hoping it's as eventful as the I Love New York Reunion.
9:55 p.m. Five minutes to finale!! Crystal Meth addicts are an awesome lead in. Keep it tuned here for all the sordid details of the Tila Tequila finale!
9:58 p.m. Meet our contenders: Dani
It's a good night for names ending in I/Y.10:05 p.m. Oh crap! That meth special was on one of the bajillion other MTV channels. We tune in just in time to see Dani ahhhh... rapping?!? with TONS of eye makeup on... YIKES!
10:07 p.m. The roommate poll is in: I'm the only Dani hold out. Though I must admit I'm not sure why she's choosing this moment to fem it up with all that makeup. I hope this isn't the first chink in her adorably butchy armor.
10:09 p.m. Woah, what the hell is going on with that Mountain Dew colored walls? My eyes!
10:10 p.m. Aww the parents are back! Ohh I hope the fams have to camp out in the big bed. HAHA Bobby's a snuggler who slept with his mommy til he was six.
10:11 p.m. New item on my Christmas list: a chandelier made of vibrators. I wonder if Martha Steward Living put it out?
10:12 p.m. Between the electric blue dress, the red roses and the puce walls... save me... Nice that the dinner table debate is whether it's better to be "Mad" or "Crazy"
10:14 p.m. And we're not even 15 minutes in and the moms have begun poll dancing...
10:15 p.m. Roommate brings up a valid point: So ah, where is Tila's family in all of this?
Commercial Break: According to Fox--the bastion of all reporting accuracy--Dani is actually a mush of fem and butch: "futch" (rhymes with mooch) and is coming out with a clothing line (!?!) called Futch, natch.
10:20 p.m. Way to bend gender stereotypes guys! Bobby is the snuggler who asks Dani to talk to him because he's lonely and Dani says "I've never been this in touch with my feelings before. This sucks."
10:23 p.m. Oh God, not another montage where they play The Indigo Girls when Dani is kissing Tila! Way to play into the lesbian stereotypes producers! And the clip that makes me LOVE Dani: when she declares their kiss "Awesome!" and then quickly follows it up with the adorably self-aware: "Who says that?!"
10:25 p.m. "Bobby, I know you want me. Deep throat that thing!"
And ah, how fake is his "I love you" whisper? Ahh, Bobby's montage gets scored by Boys Like Girls. Punny!
Commercial Break: Tila takes on the rumors that she's secretly straight and has a 5-years-her-senior boyfriend the whole time on her MySpace page: Apparently she wasn't allowed to leave the house either. Way to find love via The Stockholm Syndrome!
10:32 p.m. Roommate points out Dani is unlikely to move out to LA for Tila since she actually has a career as a firefighter in Florida... Fuck it, I'm still rooting for her.
10:36 p.m. Haha Bobby's gift: A songbook for Tila to write in "if she has feelings." How charmingly naive. Like Tila actually writes songs. Or has feelings.
Commercial Break: Most amazing article title related to Tila Tequila: Tila Tequila Closing in on SpongeBob SquarePants
10:41 p.m. Hmm this song playing as she walks down the stairs sounds like... could it possibly be? Tila Tequila singing! Shocker! I gotta admit, the song is lame but the dress is adorable.
10:45 p.m. The "this is hard for me speech." I'm just bracing myself for the inevitable commercial break. Gasp! No commercial break! She picked Bobby! Shit!
10:47 p.m. Most fucking depressing end ever. And what's with all this scary music and the weird kissing montage. And the fucking Fray song....
A chase? "How to Save a Life"? What's going on? An invite for a 3-way? Noooooooow we get the commercial break...
Commercial Break: Yeah, they totally want you to think she changed her mind. But the cynic in me is pretty positive she's just going to give Dani a hug and a "let's stay friends" speech.
10:53 p.m. Dani stays classy despite getting her heart stomped on. Tila's got some crazy fake crying going on there.
Ah, chin up Dani. Even the straight girls are crushing on you. I don't think you'll ever need a shot to get a girl again.
And ah, Bobby is acting really weird... er... stoned?
Oh Lord, Tila just said "My lover, my boo... I could be your wifey..."
"In the end, I chose a man!" Yeah, real shocker there, Hun.
The End.
Oh wait... it's: The End?
Until The Hangover next and the reunion special next week! Here's hoping it's as eventful as the I Love New York Reunion.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
My Dreams Are Alive With The Tedium Of 'The Hills'
The other night I had a horrible dream: I was hanging out with the kids from The Hills. Or at least in my dream-mind I knew these were the kids from The Hills though they took the shape of Generic Blond Girl and Generic Rich Boy. Which yeah, if you're familiar with the show at all, that's pretty much dead on.
In this nightmare I was forced to accompany them to the bank while Generic BG withdrew some money from her daddy-fed bank account. We may have actually walked through a drive up window--it was all very harrowing. And boring: very very boring. This is how I knew I was on The Hills.
The moment of dramatic tension occurred with Generic BG realized 'OMG! There's like, barely any money in this account! What will I do???!!?'
To which Generic RB suggested, 'You could get a job.' In that flat, the-producers-just-fed-me-this-line kind of way.
To which Generic BG replied, 'Yes! That's a great idea! Now I just need to find a job that makes $20 an hour and work for that whole hour so I have some money to put back into that account so Daddy doesn't get mad!'
Even though I was living in this dream reality with them, aimlessly wandering around the streets of LA as they tried to 'problem solve!' it struck me in that moment--even though there were no cameras or crew in sight--that this existence was horribly, horribly fake. Who exactly thinks working for one hour to put $20 in a bank account is going to solve their money problems? And like, yeah right a girl on The Hills is having money problems to begin with. Clearly, the 'conflict' was a simple ploy by producers to keep the show 'interesting.' Yay! Let's watch Generic BG make a spoiled ass out of herself for one hour on 'the job.'
Thankfully, I managed to wake myself up before we actually got to the job. Though I had other dreams that night (one ending with me jammed into a window trying to squirm my way through to avoid some falling logs that were determined to crush me, and one in which my family ditched me to go to New York on a vacation and I had to completely move out of my apartment for no particular reason as fast as humanly possible), The Hills dream still troubled me the most in my waking hours.
I've been spending too much time talking about Nihilism recently to handle thinking about what it means to dream you're living in a fake reality show.
And after reading this interview Hills 'star' Lauren Conrad gave to Entertainment Weekly, capturing the 'reality' of her fake life seems horrifically tedious:
'Oh, Hi Lauren? ...Oh yeah? That conversation we had last night where you spent half an hour angsting about our pseudo relationship? Yeah, I remember that. ...Oh really? Not on camera? You mean we get to do it over again? Super!' [Insert finger-gun to brain shot here. Pow!]
For those of you fortunate enough to have never visited The Hills, whether in real life or dream, I give you this brilliant James Franco & Mila Kunis reenactment from FunnyOrDie.
In this nightmare I was forced to accompany them to the bank while Generic BG withdrew some money from her daddy-fed bank account. We may have actually walked through a drive up window--it was all very harrowing. And boring: very very boring. This is how I knew I was on The Hills.
The moment of dramatic tension occurred with Generic BG realized 'OMG! There's like, barely any money in this account! What will I do???!!?'
To which Generic RB suggested, 'You could get a job.' In that flat, the-producers-just-fed-me-this-line kind of way.
To which Generic BG replied, 'Yes! That's a great idea! Now I just need to find a job that makes $20 an hour and work for that whole hour so I have some money to put back into that account so Daddy doesn't get mad!'
Even though I was living in this dream reality with them, aimlessly wandering around the streets of LA as they tried to 'problem solve!' it struck me in that moment--even though there were no cameras or crew in sight--that this existence was horribly, horribly fake. Who exactly thinks working for one hour to put $20 in a bank account is going to solve their money problems? And like, yeah right a girl on The Hills is having money problems to begin with. Clearly, the 'conflict' was a simple ploy by producers to keep the show 'interesting.' Yay! Let's watch Generic BG make a spoiled ass out of herself for one hour on 'the job.'
Thankfully, I managed to wake myself up before we actually got to the job. Though I had other dreams that night (one ending with me jammed into a window trying to squirm my way through to avoid some falling logs that were determined to crush me, and one in which my family ditched me to go to New York on a vacation and I had to completely move out of my apartment for no particular reason as fast as humanly possible), The Hills dream still troubled me the most in my waking hours.
I've been spending too much time talking about Nihilism recently to handle thinking about what it means to dream you're living in a fake reality show.
And after reading this interview Hills 'star' Lauren Conrad gave to Entertainment Weekly, capturing the 'reality' of her fake life seems horrifically tedious:
We're not filming The Truman Show, we don't have cameras set up all around our apartment, and they're not with us 24/7. Basically what they're doing is taking our lives and telling a story...the cameras stopped rolling...I went home and called someone [Brody], and the next day talked about it. [MTV] was like, Okay, well, we need to get that on tape, and since they're trying to tell a story the right way, I basically had to go and call [Brody] again, have the exact same conversation on camera.Wow. No wonder the whole thing sounds so damn awkward and scripted! Can you imagine the call the next day?
'Oh, Hi Lauren? ...Oh yeah? That conversation we had last night where you spent half an hour angsting about our pseudo relationship? Yeah, I remember that. ...Oh really? Not on camera? You mean we get to do it over again? Super!' [Insert finger-gun to brain shot here. Pow!]
For those of you fortunate enough to have never visited The Hills, whether in real life or dream, I give you this brilliant James Franco & Mila Kunis reenactment from FunnyOrDie.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Notes From The Couch: A Heavily Medicated Tour Of Daytime TV
There is nothing that brings a person closer to their television set than never-ending illness (12 days and counting!).As it turns out, the chain-smoking-granny- cum -SPED voice effects I was experiencing were due to a prolonged case of bronchitis with a splash of walking pneumonia--just to spice things up.
Good times.
But who am I if not a consummate silver lining seeker?
What's one person's serious illness is another's opportunity to live in her pajamas and catch up on all the freaky shit on TV she misses while at work.
And boy is there some good television out there.
I first present you with my favorite new find in the children's programming department: Nickelodeon's Yo Gabba Gabba
Hyped on both Jezebel and Stereogum, Yo Gabba Gabba is every bit as crazy and brilliantly drug-trippy as its title suggests. Just check out this clip of "The Party in My Tummy Song" to join the cult:
Aside from acid/heavy antibiotics-tripping with the Gabba Gabba crew, my other TV pursuits included several true-life specials: My Wedding Day Ruined My Life; Four Weddings and an Execution (Oh yes, that was about ladies marrying violent death row criminals); Made: I Want to be a Male Model (from a chubby, hairy and totally adorable lead singer of a metal band); Made: I Want to be a Fashion Designer (from a boy in dire need of ADD meds); about four hours of Kathy Griffin stand up, and unaccountable time spent in the black hole of the ANTM marathon.
One of the bright spots of Couch Camp Day 2 was stumbling upon 2 previously unseen episodes of one of my favorite underrated reality BFF shows: Rob & Big. It's the touching story of a pro-skater and his giant body guard doing all the crazy shit I would do if I had tons of cash at my disposal and a partner-in-crime: buying a miniature horse, taking elaborate family photos with the dog, buying time traveling equipment from crazies on the internet and then actually flying to Canada just to get some other crazy in a basement to help them use it...
And waking up one day and saying "Hey, I want to be a one hit wonder!" And then making a bad ass music video for said "hit":
Good times indeed.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Pushing Television: The Best Show On TV You're Probably Not Watching (But Should!)
It doesn't take much to get me to watch a TV show. I count Canadian pre-teen soap operas and public television ESL programming among my favorites, and have shouted "A clue! A clue!" along with the youngest of them. But my love of bad for bad's sake is primarily because there is very little on television that is genuinely good, and a girl's gotta love something.
Winning my genuine love is not very complicated and follows a very simple formula:
Cute male lead + Palpable sexual tension + Decent writing = Yay! Heart! Heart! Heart!
See, I told you that was simple. And yet, so many shows fail to come through. At least that's the excuse I give for why I've never been into Seinfeld--because uh, Jerry is so not doable and the only sexual tension there might have been between Kramer and a bagel.
Now let's apply this formula to ABC's new series Pushing Daisies:
Cute male lead?
Check!
Sexual Tension?
Check! (Ned brings his childhood sweetheart back from the dead, only to never be able to touch her again without turning her back into a corpse. That doesn't prevent them from making out with plastic wrap though. You can't get much more tension than that!)
And double check! (To add to the hotness, Ned's coworker Olive Snook has the hots for him too. Uh, who wouldn't? Lee Pace is dreamy!)
And as for the writing, just check out this preview and I dare you not to be completely enchanted. The aesthetic is an Americanized Amelie with pie. What could be better than that?
You can catch up on all the episodes you've missed over at the ABC website. They haven't mastered the uninterrupted streaming yet, but it's worth sitting through the occasional glitchiness.
Now let's just keep our fingers crossed that this writers strike gets resolved when they sit down at the table with the executive fat cats on Monday so we'll have a show to continue falling in love with on Wednesday nights. The final pre-strike episode airs at 9 p.m. this week.
Winning my genuine love is not very complicated and follows a very simple formula:
Cute male lead + Palpable sexual tension + Decent writing = Yay! Heart! Heart! Heart!
See, I told you that was simple. And yet, so many shows fail to come through. At least that's the excuse I give for why I've never been into Seinfeld--because uh, Jerry is so not doable and the only sexual tension there might have been between Kramer and a bagel.
Now let's apply this formula to ABC's new series Pushing Daisies:
Cute male lead?
Check!
Sexual Tension?Check! (Ned brings his childhood sweetheart back from the dead, only to never be able to touch her again without turning her back into a corpse. That doesn't prevent them from making out with plastic wrap though. You can't get much more tension than that!)
And double check! (To add to the hotness, Ned's coworker Olive Snook has the hots for him too. Uh, who wouldn't? Lee Pace is dreamy!)
And as for the writing, just check out this preview and I dare you not to be completely enchanted. The aesthetic is an Americanized Amelie with pie. What could be better than that?
You can catch up on all the episodes you've missed over at the ABC website. They haven't mastered the uninterrupted streaming yet, but it's worth sitting through the occasional glitchiness.
Now let's just keep our fingers crossed that this writers strike gets resolved when they sit down at the table with the executive fat cats on Monday so we'll have a show to continue falling in love with on Wednesday nights. The final pre-strike episode airs at 9 p.m. this week.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
My Evening with Tila Tequila: Or, The Day I Learn 'The Clap' Isn't Just For Hands Anymore
Despite my previously stated position on A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila, I found myself inextricably drawn to the first episode (read: the remote was across the room and I was feeling unmotivated).But to my perverse, reality-tv addled brain's delight this show provided more insane quotes-per-minute than a punny episode of MTV's script-o-reality dating show Next.
To wit (ha!):
"I've never been with an Asian girl before, but I love Chinese food."Could this reality show really fill the dumpster-sized hole in my heart The Pick Up Artist left behind?
"Could we have sex with her in this house?"
"You put 100 percent of my accent and 100 percent of my cooking and that's 200% of a chance."
"I'm going to be your hot sausage for the night."
"There was a huge vibration in between my legs. It was like 3rd world war."
"This is straight up Wal-mart: 30 bucks this, 30 bucks that."--Guy describing the jewelry he gave Tila (apparently all men were required to bring a gift).
"Only two things I do that force me to break a sweat: sex and drums."--This dude gave her his drum sticks.
"I come from living on my mom's couch last week to meeting you."--And this dude gave her a pillow with his face on it.
"I wouldn't normally go for him, but something about him is kinda...kinda cute." Tila-code for my producers are making me keep this weirdo.
"I'm disheartened because I'm not used to rejection, but I can beat to the rhythm of my own drum."--Tila didn't dig the drum sticks.
"Nobody's taking her virginity ever, but me."--Tila on a newbie lesbo.
"When I looked back it looked like the lesbian village people."
"This house is like The Real World... on crack."
You might scoff now, but just watch the final clip of the show and tell me you're not instantly addicted. I dare you.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Out of the Mouths of Babes: How Kid Nation Will Influence My Politics in '08
I watched my first episode (the 2nd of the season) of the ethically questionable Kid Nation tonight and I've got me a new underage crush: Tonight's 14-year-old gold-star winner Michael. (This is why I shouldn't be allowed to watch shows with child stars.)And after reading his answers to the questions on his Kid Nation bio page, I think he might just be the most qualified person to be the next president of our country:
What have you learned about power?
After 40 days without electricity, I realize I like electrical power... But on a more serious note, I learned that different people react in different ways to power. It's not always predictable who will react in what way. Age doesn't seem to matter as much as personality. It was interesting to see not only how people reacted when they had power but also how they reacted to others when others had power.
When you become an adult, what do you think will be the biggest problem facing our nation and/or world?
Environmental damage and our country's poor relations with other countries.
Do you believe global warming is a fact or a myth? If you think it is a fact, what would you do about it if you were in charge?
I believe global warming is a fact. I would more strongly support research and actions to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and have the US become a signatory nation of the Kyoto Protocol.
And when bully Greg tries to redeem himself by doing tons of manual labor in the 2nd episode, Michael's soapbox skills and charisma win him the gold star in the end. If that's not a lesson on the way power works in America, I don't know what is.
Politicians of the world: take note!
And now, for your special bonus footage for the evening, I give you a tribute video to Lord of the Flies "In Memory of Simon" scored by Asia's "In the Heat of the Moment." Trust me, you want to see this.
Lessons Learned: The Pick Up Artist Finale, Yo
I was going to post on Monday's season finale of The Pick Up Artist in a more timely manner, but there was actual work to be done at work and several bottles of wine to greet me when I got home last night...
That and the finale was completely and utterly boring.
They narrowed it down to the two most (pre-existingly) attractive guys--because God knows the makeovers did nothing to improve them!--and pit them head-to-head for a final challenge. Except it wasn't their heads on the line. In a caring, Guidos Give Back sort of gesture, the boys' final mission was to help 2 lost souls (ahem, plants) find their own inner mojo, using the now-classic lines:
"You guys use the exact same facial expressions."
"Don't be rude introduce me to your friends."
And my personal favorite: "Hey! Did you guys see the fight outside? Two girls fighting over a guy named George! Who fights over a guy named George??"
For a regular dude in the wake of this show, using these lines is like Russian romantic roulette. If she's seen the show, she'll know it's a line. If she knows it's a line, you might get shot down. Before using, a man must ask himself: Am I in Boston? Is this a dive bar? Did the girl I'm talking to say her name was Bailey--not Hailey, Bailey like the drink!--? If so, proceed.
Bonus points for trying "The Spell of Attraction" gambit. Trust me, major bonus points.
But I digress...
After about 10 minutes of the "Final two, bro!" showing their deep appreciation for the momentousness of the whole Mystery Experience with quotables like:
And what is that exactly? What have these guys accomplished? They can now start conversations with canned lines. Feign disinterest. Master "(pea)Cocking," which is "How a woman knows you are a healthy mate." Yes, your frosted blond tips speak worlds of your virility and future earning/providing potential! Maybe that was true back in the 90s when boy bands were still selling...
In the end, the most attractive, naturally charming guy won. (Also, interestingly enough, the only one to give himself a pick up name: Kosmo.) Proving, well, that good looking guys who have some charm can pick up women if they just put aside their (completely unreasonable and unfounded) low self-esteem and just go for it. That and nicknames just might be the key to Mystery's heart.
And what have I learned? Boys are idiots. If you want to pick one up, walk up to him and say "Hey, I like your shirt." Don't let them waste your time with silly fight stories and gambits. It's time we took over the scene for real, yo.
Oh, and you can call me Ella, Ella Vader.
Because I'm always down.
That and the finale was completely and utterly boring.
They narrowed it down to the two most (pre-existingly) attractive guys--because God knows the makeovers did nothing to improve them!--and pit them head-to-head for a final challenge. Except it wasn't their heads on the line. In a caring, Guidos Give Back sort of gesture, the boys' final mission was to help 2 lost souls (ahem, plants) find their own inner mojo, using the now-classic lines:"You guys use the exact same facial expressions."
"Don't be rude introduce me to your friends."
And my personal favorite: "Hey! Did you guys see the fight outside? Two girls fighting over a guy named George! Who fights over a guy named George??"
For a regular dude in the wake of this show, using these lines is like Russian romantic roulette. If she's seen the show, she'll know it's a line. If she knows it's a line, you might get shot down. Before using, a man must ask himself: Am I in Boston? Is this a dive bar? Did the girl I'm talking to say her name was Bailey--not Hailey, Bailey like the drink!--? If so, proceed.
Bonus points for trying "The Spell of Attraction" gambit. Trust me, major bonus points.
But I digress...
After about 10 minutes of the "Final two, bro!" showing their deep appreciation for the momentousness of the whole Mystery Experience with quotables like:
"It's like they totally took you out of your life and removed every aspect that was like in your life." --BradyAnd the obligatory "fightin' words":
"Ima get fiesty. And I'm gonna win."--KosmoThe boys finally get down to the business of teaching two AFCs (Average Frustrated Chumps) the art of pick up, which--it's hard not to notice--these guys pick up remarkably quickly. Both AFCs are able to "open sets," isolate girls they're interested in, even get digits. Basically everything we've watched our lovable losers try to master over the course of several weeks, these guys accomplish in one night.
"It's not like I want to win it. I must win it. It's something I must do."--Brady
And what is that exactly? What have these guys accomplished? They can now start conversations with canned lines. Feign disinterest. Master "(pea)Cocking," which is "How a woman knows you are a healthy mate." Yes, your frosted blond tips speak worlds of your virility and future earning/providing potential! Maybe that was true back in the 90s when boy bands were still selling...
In the end, the most attractive, naturally charming guy won. (Also, interestingly enough, the only one to give himself a pick up name: Kosmo.) Proving, well, that good looking guys who have some charm can pick up women if they just put aside their (completely unreasonable and unfounded) low self-esteem and just go for it. That and nicknames just might be the key to Mystery's heart.And what have I learned? Boys are idiots. If you want to pick one up, walk up to him and say "Hey, I like your shirt." Don't let them waste your time with silly fight stories and gambits. It's time we took over the scene for real, yo.
Oh, and you can call me Ella, Ella Vader.
Because I'm always down.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I IOIed All Over His DHV, And Boy Was It A Mess!
The best part of last night's episode of The Pick Up Artist?
Was it watching the boys try to chase down "moving targets" on a bridge?
Or was it the inevitable group cry in the pillow room when they failed their objective?
Or the primping montage before the boys hit "the erotic dancer club" where Joe D. meticulously arranges his chest hair?
Or was it how the challenge-winner Brady "demonstrated his higher value" by asking the stripper who approached him where all the hot girls were. Yeah, Mr. Plastic Ken-doll Hair, you show us how insults + low self esteem = awkward limo make out.
Or was it the two cuts to commercial break while the tension built as Mystery decided whether to eliminate Kosmo or Joe D.?
Or the close up on Kosmo and Joe D. holding hands (!) as they awaited Mystery's final verdict?
No, the best part of last night's episode of The Pick Up Artist was watching these poor guys being coached in the art of lady-attracting by this dude:
What this picture does not show you is the aaaaamazing giant brown bell-bottoms Mystery wore to complete this "incognito" look. If this dude's got as much game as he claims, I like to see him pick up chicks on the bridge in this 70s-meets-Amish getup. Now that would be quality television.
As the show reaches its finale and castmates get eliminated, I find myself rooting more and more for my favorites to be sent home, escaping the fate of turning their lives into sycophantic followers of "Mystery."
So to Joe D., my fallen (facebook)friend, here are my words of advice: Go home, wash that skunk stripe out of your hair; get a job you love; move out of your parents' basement; do the things that will actually make you feel good about yourself so you don't have to waste so much time making up ways to trick girls into thinking you're valuable--just BE a valuable person.
And remember, there is no greater sign of value than being my Facebook friend. Just sayin.
Was it watching the boys try to chase down "moving targets" on a bridge?
Or was it the inevitable group cry in the pillow room when they failed their objective?
Or the primping montage before the boys hit "the erotic dancer club" where Joe D. meticulously arranges his chest hair?
Or was it how the challenge-winner Brady "demonstrated his higher value" by asking the stripper who approached him where all the hot girls were. Yeah, Mr. Plastic Ken-doll Hair, you show us how insults + low self esteem = awkward limo make out.
Or was it the two cuts to commercial break while the tension built as Mystery decided whether to eliminate Kosmo or Joe D.?
Or the close up on Kosmo and Joe D. holding hands (!) as they awaited Mystery's final verdict?
No, the best part of last night's episode of The Pick Up Artist was watching these poor guys being coached in the art of lady-attracting by this dude:
What this picture does not show you is the aaaaamazing giant brown bell-bottoms Mystery wore to complete this "incognito" look. If this dude's got as much game as he claims, I like to see him pick up chicks on the bridge in this 70s-meets-Amish getup. Now that would be quality television.As the show reaches its finale and castmates get eliminated, I find myself rooting more and more for my favorites to be sent home, escaping the fate of turning their lives into sycophantic followers of "Mystery."
So to Joe D., my fallen (facebook)friend, here are my words of advice: Go home, wash that skunk stripe out of your hair; get a job you love; move out of your parents' basement; do the things that will actually make you feel good about yourself so you don't have to waste so much time making up ways to trick girls into thinking you're valuable--just BE a valuable person.
And remember, there is no greater sign of value than being my Facebook friend. Just sayin.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Because You Had Better Things To Do Last Night Than Watch The Emmys
...Like watching that tense/exciting/omg!omg!omg!bases loaded! 9th inning! ortiz!/ahh damnit!! Sox-Yankees game last night. (Not that I'm bitter.)
Here is the best thing that happened on the Emmy's last night. Put my favorite actor in my favorite TV show (Rainn Wilson, The Office) with the dude responsible for my favorite album of the moment (Kanye West, Graduation) and throw in a little Wayne Brady to mix shit up, and you got boring award-show gold.
Now if only a classier reality tv show like I Love New York, or The Pick Up Artist had won for "Best Reality Series"...
Here is the best thing that happened on the Emmy's last night. Put my favorite actor in my favorite TV show (Rainn Wilson, The Office) with the dude responsible for my favorite album of the moment (Kanye West, Graduation) and throw in a little Wayne Brady to mix shit up, and you got boring award-show gold.
Now if only a classier reality tv show like I Love New York, or The Pick Up Artist had won for "Best Reality Series"...
Monday, September 10, 2007
The Only Shot I Want To Take With Tila Tequila Involves Gun Play
Now, don't get me wrong: I love shitty reality television dating shows as much as the next person. But turning the nebulous celebrity that is MySpace (vomit) fame, into a reality dating show, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila?
Just look at her! She's eating her own necklace! Bad dog! Put it down before you choke on it. Drop it!
And for the big twist this time around? Boys AND girls want to be dating this... thing.
First it's a washed up, mumbling rapper. Then the prostitart 2-time runner-up and an aging "rocker" who blows his nose near a chick and "connects souls."
And now, a chick famous for friending everyone on a website where each page holds a new eye-gouging disaster of "personal style" to the score of your favorite top-40 track of the moment.
You know this is only the beginning. Like Tila Tequila to her necklace (dog:bone) so is
Hos for Hobos: Win A Date With The Guy Who Eats Trash Out Of Your Dumpster!!!
No That's Not A Balloon Animal In My Pocket: To Date A Predator Edition!
But perhaps the most frightening (and potentially possible!) prediction of all:
Trolling For Love With Perez Hilton!!
Just remember you heard it here first! I am the blog of Revelations and, my friends, the apocalypse is now.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Meta Live Blogging The VMAs
Because all the cool blogs (BWE, Idolator, Stereogum) are liveblogging MTV's VMAs, I've decided to live blog the live blogging of the VMAs (does your head hurt yet? I bet mine will soon enough). Here you'll find all my favorite snark from my favorite snarkers (with some of my own gems in the mix):
The Preshow Quotables:
BWE, Alex Blagg:
8:02 - Since when did Pete Wentz, the bassist, become the spokesman for Fall Out Boy? He’s telling us about his uberhip moonlighting gig as a “DJ”. When he wants to make the club “go off” he either plays Justin Timberlake or Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”. And there you have it: Journey is THE bangin’ club band of the summer.
Me: It wouldn't hurt to let my personal FOB fav, Patrick do some more talking, though hearing Bon Jovi is the other club slayer when Pete djs hurts my soul.
BWE, Alex Blagg:
8:42 - Hahahaha, Paris Hilton got her hair cut like Hillary Clinton.
Me: HAHA. Amazing.
The Show
Me, 9:00: On Britney. Holy crap. Zombie with a bad weave in a sparkly bikini. But maybe even more tasteless than having Britney perform is to have Sarah Silverman come out and make a bunch of stupid jokes about Britney. Is she really hosting? God I hope not. She's talking about diarrhea now? Where's the hook? I think Sarah was actually more painful to watch than Britney. At least Britney's performance was sad/funny, not just sad. Thank god this show is only airing once.
BWE, on Britney:
9:00 - It’s Britney Bitch! No. Actually, it’s some chunky soccer mom who’s pooped out a couple of kids but is wearing a glitter bikini anyway, stumbling around the stage, lip-synching a little, but otherwise utterly f*cking confused about what, exactly, she’s supposed to be doing right now. This is sad, like someone doing Karaoke who just forgot the lyrics and isn’t really sure what they’re supposed to be doing. The cutaway shots to the celebs in the crowd are only making this more painful to watch. Britney’s back, bitch! Or not really.
Stereogum, on Britney:
9:02Wow, she's not even trying to feign singing. Her lip syncing is almost as bad as her weave.
9:07Wow Sarah. Way to use those stretched lips to suck all the air out of the room.
Idolator, on Sarah Silverman:
9:04 p.m. Sarah Silverman is bombing too! Oh my God this whole night is going to be me laughing at people not laughing!
9:06 p.m. SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB THAT IS THIS SHOW. Sarah Silverman just made a diarrhea joke. Oh my God.
Me, 9:11: Haha I'm thinking it was no mistake Pete Wentz's mic was cut off during his whole spot about The Friends & Enemies Lounge. Ohh I hope FOB wins the first award!!! (oh boo Rihanna won)
BWE, 9:11: Pete Wentz’s microphone isn’t working as he tries to tell us how “hot and rad and poppin” his party suite is. He’s never sounded quite so eloquent.
Me, 9:15: Thank god for Kanye, the most lively performance of the night! And they, um... cut to commercial? Wtf? And then Akon is performing and they begin announcing over it.
Me, 9,22: HAHA I love Seth Rogan. Trying to encourage the kids to text in for the Best New Artist award by not voting for the people you want to lose the award. The VMAs are for losers, indeed!
Me, 9:25: Okay, had to pause to watch Fall Out Boy. Ah, Patrick. Hearts! Though I'm really not digging this half-the song thing MTV has going on.
Idolator (thinking the same thing) 9:25 p.m. Wait and now it's Fall Out Boy! With these really awkward camera angles and maybe half the song and I guess you actually have to go to the Internet to see the whole thing. Because God forbid this whole thing be about music, right?
Me, 9:30: Another half-way through a song cut to a concert. This time Foo Fighters. This style makes me feel like I've walked in to the middle of a party. Why can't they just give us the whole fucking performance. Nice to know MTV is now run by 60-something executives who all sat around a fucking boardroom and decided this was the best way for them to market to the ADD generation. Blech.
BWE, 9:32 - MTV is the Britney Spears of television networks, and tonight ain’t gonna make either of them any more relevant. This is a disaster.
Me, 9:33: Aww, Kanye stands on his toes to see 50 in the eyes. Now if this were a real hip hop beef guns would be drawn and this show would actually be interesting.
Me, 9:36: God, Maroon 5. Okay, I take back complaining about the announcers talking over the performances to advertise for their sponsors.
Me, 9:45: Chris Brown is Charlie Chaplin? Puppet Hitler? Awesome. I wonder when the announcer is going to start talking over him about Neutrogena products. Bonus points for using an umbrella as a giant erection when Rihanna walked on stage, Chris. Now for an homage to Michael Jackson in front of a giant MTV sign. Yeah, I remember when MTV was relevant. It was the 80s and I was 2.
Missed Britney? Stereogum put it up for you.
My roommate switched it to Family Guy. Not sure I have the energy/desire to ask him to change it back...
Me, 9:55: And the Hills girls are on. God, I should ask him to turn back to the Family Guy... Another award for JT. Shocker. HAHA. Timbaland takes the award, and then re-presents it. Ohh there should be a dance off between JT and Chris Brown. Scary to hear 20-something JT say he's feeling old. YES! JT "Play more damn videos!" Amazingly appropriate in front of these Hills trollups.
Me, 10:05: Lebeouf! Rocking a Muniz. Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Do we care? Umm... Anyone? Haha. And apparently no one gives a shit about picking up Fergie's award either. You KNOW your in trouble when Queen of the Butterfaces is too cool to attend your award show. Lebeouf just takes it for himself. The apathy is palpable.
BWE, 10:06 - It’s the mooooootherf*ckiiiiiiing LEBEOUF! AND HE IS SPORTING A LEBEOUFSTACHE! AND HE JUST TOLD US THE NAME OF THE NEW INDIANA JONES FLICK! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull With LEBEOUF, here I come! Suck it, Ludacris - LeBeouf is taking your award!
Stereogum, 10:10: Female artist of the year: Fergie! Is she even a woman? Ludacris refused to stand. He's got an erection.
Me, 10:17: If only I could just be hanging out in FOB's suite... at least they look like they're having fun. Oh god, now Timbaland is going to show us what he does... with Linkin Park?!? Why am I not drinking?
BWE, 10:17 - The “Friends or Enemies” Fall Out Boy Suckfest Party is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wish we could be in the Creative Conference Room with the monkeys that devised this show. It would be adorable, like watching a puppy chase its tail, or a retarded kitten terrified by a ball of yarn. This is hopeless. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on…
Me, 10:23: Best Group is up... as long as it's not Maroon 5, I'm happy. YAY FOB! The Easter Bunny presents it and Patrick is wearing... a plastic mountain on his head? Brilliant.
BWE, 10:25 - And Fall Out Boy wins the statue prize for “Best Group”. But best group of what? Best group of shopping mall cliches? Best group of insufferable douchedragons with expensive haircuts? Best group of dudes content to allow themselves to be dismissed so the “good-looking one” can take credit for the measly amount of “art” they’ve managed to produce? Either way, they WIN!
Me, 10:31: Ohh Rihanna doing 'Shut Up and Drive' with FOB. Sweet. Too bad it got cut off. But at least it's to hear Seth Rogen and Bill Hader call Kid Rock a loser. Could this show actually be getting better? Not that that's saying very much.
Idolator, 10:30 p.m. OK it's Fall Out Boy backing Rihanna on "Shut Up And Drive" and this might be the first watchable moment of the evening.
Me, 10:36: Alicia Keys busting out the George Michael "Freedom." Reminding us again of the days when MTV was relevant. It's the glitziest eulogy I've ever seen.
Me, 10:44: Jamie Foxx is talking about a Tommy Lee vs. Kid Rock slapfest "They were fighting like black people!" And now he's beatboxing while she's trying to talk. Is he drunk? I hope so! And what about this fight that we missed. Of course the most entertaining shit (like Tommy Lee and Kid Rock slapping the hell of each other) is off camera... Ohh best new artist! Let's go PB&J!
...And the best new group... "Gym Class Fall Out"? Hahaha. Nice to see Jennifer Garner's in touch with the kid's music these days. Travis' acceptance speech is chugging his booze. Very fitting. Remind me again why I'm not drinking.
BWE, 10:45 - Jamie Foxx managed to say 12,954 words in a coke-fueled tour-de-force attention-grabbing promo-rant before Jennifer Garner was able to squeeze in a single audible sound. And all 12,954 words were the name and release date of their new movie. This has to be some kind of world record. And Jennifer Garner is so overwhelmed by this mind-blowing display, she give an award to Gym Class Fallout, which is somehow poetic.
Me, 10:48: Miss South Fucking Carolina announcing something and making fun of her speech by sounding retarded... on purpose? I don't think you're allowed to make fun of yourself if you still don't understand the words coming out of your mouth. This show has officially entered hell.
BWE, 10:48 - That braindead beauty queen from South Carolina sacrifices her dignity even further, and publicly degrades herself and our culture just a little bit more in order to squeeze out a few topical laughs for this snoozefest of an awards program. Sad.
Me, 10:56: Is this over yet? Haha. Mary J just called 50 cent, "50 cents." Dr. Dre, are you here to put this show out of its misery? And now, Video of the Year... why does the screen layout look like a bad DVD menu screen? Don't they pay people to design this shit? Oh, and Rihanna won.
Haha. P.Diddy and Young Joc laughing it up about Kid Rock and Tommy Lee's slapfest "Stop the Violence in Rock and Roll!" While we're at it, let's stop the irrelevance too.
Last performance of the night and it's over! Nelly's falsetto makes dogs howl. Yow! This show won't be over until it extracts every last bit of pain from the experience. Please JT save me. I'm not going to lie, fundamental grammar issues aside, I kinda dig "The Way I Are."
Annnd... It's over!
Final Thoughts:
BWE, 11:05 - And so everything comes full circle with our old “wine and anti-depressenty” friend Nelly Furtado doing some kind of Cirque du Soleil performance art piece with Justin Timberlake and a bunch of Vegas cabaret girls. I’d like to thank all of you for reading, suffering and commenting along with me tonight, and I’d like to thank MTV for being so amazingly in touch with what’s hip and relevant to 11 year-old gay boys in Iowa. Until next year!
Stereogum, 11:06: So the special performance stars Nelly's poor choice of dress, Timbaland's beef pipes, the people's champ JT, and
The Preshow Quotables:
BWE, Alex Blagg:
8:02 - Since when did Pete Wentz, the bassist, become the spokesman for Fall Out Boy? He’s telling us about his uberhip moonlighting gig as a “DJ”. When he wants to make the club “go off” he either plays Justin Timberlake or Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”. And there you have it: Journey is THE bangin’ club band of the summer.
Me: It wouldn't hurt to let my personal FOB fav, Patrick do some more talking, though hearing Bon Jovi is the other club slayer when Pete djs hurts my soul.
BWE, Alex Blagg:
8:42 - Hahahaha, Paris Hilton got her hair cut like Hillary Clinton.
Me: HAHA. Amazing.
The Show
Me, 9:00: On Britney. Holy crap. Zombie with a bad weave in a sparkly bikini. But maybe even more tasteless than having Britney perform is to have Sarah Silverman come out and make a bunch of stupid jokes about Britney. Is she really hosting? God I hope not. She's talking about diarrhea now? Where's the hook? I think Sarah was actually more painful to watch than Britney. At least Britney's performance was sad/funny, not just sad. Thank god this show is only airing once.
BWE, on Britney:
9:00 - It’s Britney Bitch! No. Actually, it’s some chunky soccer mom who’s pooped out a couple of kids but is wearing a glitter bikini anyway, stumbling around the stage, lip-synching a little, but otherwise utterly f*cking confused about what, exactly, she’s supposed to be doing right now. This is sad, like someone doing Karaoke who just forgot the lyrics and isn’t really sure what they’re supposed to be doing. The cutaway shots to the celebs in the crowd are only making this more painful to watch. Britney’s back, bitch! Or not really.
Stereogum, on Britney:
9:02Wow, she's not even trying to feign singing. Her lip syncing is almost as bad as her weave.
9:07Wow Sarah. Way to use those stretched lips to suck all the air out of the room.
Idolator, on Sarah Silverman:
9:04 p.m. Sarah Silverman is bombing too! Oh my God this whole night is going to be me laughing at people not laughing!
9:06 p.m. SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB THAT IS THIS SHOW. Sarah Silverman just made a diarrhea joke. Oh my God.
Me, 9:11: Haha I'm thinking it was no mistake Pete Wentz's mic was cut off during his whole spot about The Friends & Enemies Lounge. Ohh I hope FOB wins the first award!!! (oh boo Rihanna won)
BWE, 9:11: Pete Wentz’s microphone isn’t working as he tries to tell us how “hot and rad and poppin” his party suite is. He’s never sounded quite so eloquent.
Me, 9:15: Thank god for Kanye, the most lively performance of the night! And they, um... cut to commercial? Wtf? And then Akon is performing and they begin announcing over it.
Me, 9,22: HAHA I love Seth Rogan. Trying to encourage the kids to text in for the Best New Artist award by not voting for the people you want to lose the award. The VMAs are for losers, indeed!
Me, 9:25: Okay, had to pause to watch Fall Out Boy. Ah, Patrick. Hearts! Though I'm really not digging this half-the song thing MTV has going on.
Idolator (thinking the same thing) 9:25 p.m. Wait and now it's Fall Out Boy! With these really awkward camera angles and maybe half the song and I guess you actually have to go to the Internet to see the whole thing. Because God forbid this whole thing be about music, right?
Me, 9:30: Another half-way through a song cut to a concert. This time Foo Fighters. This style makes me feel like I've walked in to the middle of a party. Why can't they just give us the whole fucking performance. Nice to know MTV is now run by 60-something executives who all sat around a fucking boardroom and decided this was the best way for them to market to the ADD generation. Blech.
BWE, 9:32 - MTV is the Britney Spears of television networks, and tonight ain’t gonna make either of them any more relevant. This is a disaster.
Me, 9:33: Aww, Kanye stands on his toes to see 50 in the eyes. Now if this were a real hip hop beef guns would be drawn and this show would actually be interesting.
Me, 9:36: God, Maroon 5. Okay, I take back complaining about the announcers talking over the performances to advertise for their sponsors.
Me, 9:45: Chris Brown is Charlie Chaplin? Puppet Hitler? Awesome. I wonder when the announcer is going to start talking over him about Neutrogena products. Bonus points for using an umbrella as a giant erection when Rihanna walked on stage, Chris. Now for an homage to Michael Jackson in front of a giant MTV sign. Yeah, I remember when MTV was relevant. It was the 80s and I was 2.
Missed Britney? Stereogum put it up for you.
My roommate switched it to Family Guy. Not sure I have the energy/desire to ask him to change it back...
Me, 9:55: And the Hills girls are on. God, I should ask him to turn back to the Family Guy... Another award for JT. Shocker. HAHA. Timbaland takes the award, and then re-presents it. Ohh there should be a dance off between JT and Chris Brown. Scary to hear 20-something JT say he's feeling old. YES! JT "Play more damn videos!" Amazingly appropriate in front of these Hills trollups.
Me, 10:05: Lebeouf! Rocking a Muniz. Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Do we care? Umm... Anyone? Haha. And apparently no one gives a shit about picking up Fergie's award either. You KNOW your in trouble when Queen of the Butterfaces is too cool to attend your award show. Lebeouf just takes it for himself. The apathy is palpable.
BWE, 10:06 - It’s the mooooootherf*ckiiiiiiing LEBEOUF! AND HE IS SPORTING A LEBEOUFSTACHE! AND HE JUST TOLD US THE NAME OF THE NEW INDIANA JONES FLICK! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull With LEBEOUF, here I come! Suck it, Ludacris - LeBeouf is taking your award!
Stereogum, 10:10: Female artist of the year: Fergie! Is she even a woman? Ludacris refused to stand. He's got an erection.
Me, 10:17: If only I could just be hanging out in FOB's suite... at least they look like they're having fun. Oh god, now Timbaland is going to show us what he does... with Linkin Park?!? Why am I not drinking?
BWE, 10:17 - The “Friends or Enemies” Fall Out Boy Suckfest Party is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I wish we could be in the Creative Conference Room with the monkeys that devised this show. It would be adorable, like watching a puppy chase its tail, or a retarded kitten terrified by a ball of yarn. This is hopeless. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on…
Me, 10:23: Best Group is up... as long as it's not Maroon 5, I'm happy. YAY FOB! The Easter Bunny presents it and Patrick is wearing... a plastic mountain on his head? Brilliant.
BWE, 10:25 - And Fall Out Boy wins the statue prize for “Best Group”. But best group of what? Best group of shopping mall cliches? Best group of insufferable douchedragons with expensive haircuts? Best group of dudes content to allow themselves to be dismissed so the “good-looking one” can take credit for the measly amount of “art” they’ve managed to produce? Either way, they WIN!
Me, 10:31: Ohh Rihanna doing 'Shut Up and Drive' with FOB. Sweet. Too bad it got cut off. But at least it's to hear Seth Rogen and Bill Hader call Kid Rock a loser. Could this show actually be getting better? Not that that's saying very much.
Idolator, 10:30 p.m. OK it's Fall Out Boy backing Rihanna on "Shut Up And Drive" and this might be the first watchable moment of the evening.
Me, 10:36: Alicia Keys busting out the George Michael "Freedom." Reminding us again of the days when MTV was relevant. It's the glitziest eulogy I've ever seen.
Me, 10:44: Jamie Foxx is talking about a Tommy Lee vs. Kid Rock slapfest "They were fighting like black people!" And now he's beatboxing while she's trying to talk. Is he drunk? I hope so! And what about this fight that we missed. Of course the most entertaining shit (like Tommy Lee and Kid Rock slapping the hell of each other) is off camera... Ohh best new artist! Let's go PB&J!
...And the best new group... "Gym Class Fall Out"? Hahaha. Nice to see Jennifer Garner's in touch with the kid's music these days. Travis' acceptance speech is chugging his booze. Very fitting. Remind me again why I'm not drinking.
BWE, 10:45 - Jamie Foxx managed to say 12,954 words in a coke-fueled tour-de-force attention-grabbing promo-rant before Jennifer Garner was able to squeeze in a single audible sound. And all 12,954 words were the name and release date of their new movie. This has to be some kind of world record. And Jennifer Garner is so overwhelmed by this mind-blowing display, she give an award to Gym Class Fallout, which is somehow poetic.
Me, 10:48: Miss South Fucking Carolina announcing something and making fun of her speech by sounding retarded... on purpose? I don't think you're allowed to make fun of yourself if you still don't understand the words coming out of your mouth. This show has officially entered hell.
BWE, 10:48 - That braindead beauty queen from South Carolina sacrifices her dignity even further, and publicly degrades herself and our culture just a little bit more in order to squeeze out a few topical laughs for this snoozefest of an awards program. Sad.
Me, 10:56: Is this over yet? Haha. Mary J just called 50 cent, "50 cents." Dr. Dre, are you here to put this show out of its misery? And now, Video of the Year... why does the screen layout look like a bad DVD menu screen? Don't they pay people to design this shit? Oh, and Rihanna won.
Haha. P.Diddy and Young Joc laughing it up about Kid Rock and Tommy Lee's slapfest "Stop the Violence in Rock and Roll!" While we're at it, let's stop the irrelevance too.
Last performance of the night and it's over! Nelly's falsetto makes dogs howl. Yow! This show won't be over until it extracts every last bit of pain from the experience. Please JT save me. I'm not going to lie, fundamental grammar issues aside, I kinda dig "The Way I Are."
Annnd... It's over!
Final Thoughts:
BWE, 11:05 - And so everything comes full circle with our old “wine and anti-depressenty” friend Nelly Furtado doing some kind of Cirque du Soleil performance art piece with Justin Timberlake and a bunch of Vegas cabaret girls. I’d like to thank all of you for reading, suffering and commenting along with me tonight, and I’d like to thank MTV for being so amazingly in touch with what’s hip and relevant to 11 year-old gay boys in Iowa. Until next year!
Stereogum, 11:06: So the special performance stars Nelly's poor choice of dress, Timbaland's beef pipes, the people's champ JT, and